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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What do you think of this living situation with PIL? Living next door :/

65 replies

Crowde · 02/10/2025 19:05

Dh and I are looking for our first home outside of London. I’m 30, Dh is 33.

A creative suggestion has been put forward and I am very torn.

PILs have a bungalow on a very large plot in my ideal location - the outskirts of a very pretty (and desirable/expensive) market town that has a train st within walking distance. It’s very quaint but extremely connected. They have been granted permission to build a three build, two storey home. They were going to sell the plot to a builder but have offered it to us. The plot is 0.7 acres. It would be split in half.

PILs are very respectful and certainly wouldn’t be dropping in without notice. But it just seems far too close for comfort.

What do you think? We would end up living in a house and location we otherwise simply could not afford. Dh thinks we would be mad to turn it down in this economy.

OP posts:
Timeforabitofpeace · 02/10/2025 19:46

As long as you definitely own your plot yourselves or have your own mortgage on it, it’s a good idea.

Beesarestrong · 02/10/2025 19:50

I think it sounds like a great opportunity. If you are all decent, respectful people, it should all be ok. I know a daughter (and family) who live like this next to her mother & father and it works wonderfully. They don't intrude though.

Member984815 · 02/10/2025 19:50

I wouldn't, it's all good and well until something happens. They may seem young excited for grandkids now but things change . Would you own the land or just the house? I see someone said you could always sell but how would that go down . I know people who have done similar built on granny flat and regretted it . I'd let them sell , maybe they could help with a house less close with the proceeds

Trushy · 02/10/2025 19:57

I'd do it

Original poster
Crowde · 02/10/2025 19:58

I don’t know why but the idea is just very awkward fee fee

OP posts:
stichguru · 02/10/2025 20:02

Do it. Build your own house on your plot. Design your dream home. Unless you can't stand to be in the same room as your in laws, you'd be mad to turn that down!

RosePetals86 · 02/10/2025 20:22

Will 100% change the dynamic of the relationship I would say no. Like others have said it all comes at a cost just somewhere further down the line. I’d save longer and buy on your own terms.

Morningsleepin · 02/10/2025 20:31

I lived next-door to my exMIL and it was great

Obeseandashamed · 02/10/2025 20:39

I would definitely do it!

RunningNananananananananana · 02/10/2025 20:42

Nope, no way.

RedLeicesterRedLeicester · 02/10/2025 20:43

I’d be considering the expectation for caring for the in-laws as they age…

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 02/10/2025 20:45

So they will give you the land and it will legally be yours (you and your DH) and the land boundary will be clearly and legally marked?

And they’ll be okay if you build, live there for six months then move for work or other reasons?

No way. They won’t be okay with that, whatever they say.

What if you and your DH separated? He gets the house? You’re homeless. You get the house? You’re going to live there? Really?! You and another partner?!

If they want to help you, it’s cleaner for them to sell the land and give you some of that money.

That’s assuming your DH is an only child too.

It’s a no from me.

Redpeach · 02/10/2025 20:47

I would

P0loGirl · 02/10/2025 20:50

I lived next door to my PIL for ten years. Houses not connected but they could have been, were very, very close! It was actually fine, never an issue. I’d go for it!

DisforDarkChocolate · 02/10/2025 20:54

Hell no and I have great in-laws.

People age and it's generally shit.

BlueSeagull · 02/10/2025 20:56

Absolutely not, not ever. Doesn’t matter how good a relationship is you need some distance

TheCurious0range · 02/10/2025 20:57

Depends how well you get on, when I'm Rightmove lottery win shopping I always look for somewhere with a separate cottage and stables for the in laws!

ETA the stables would be for MILs horse not her!!

averythinline · 02/10/2025 21:00

No no no....Not in a million years... I wouldn't want to be that beholden to anyone....
Your instincts are telling you this .. it's why you asked...
Get a house somewhere you can afford yourselves

GinToBegin · 02/10/2025 21:12

I’d do it, but i’m expecting to be increasingly involved with caring, so being that close, without actually living together feels like the best of both worlds. Near enough to help and support without added travelling time, but then your own spaces at the end of the day.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 02/10/2025 21:15

@Crowde mil will not be out of your house when you have a baby! couldnt have that!

JLou08 · 02/10/2025 21:18

I'd be snapping it up. I would want to be sure on the deeds and that it was my plot and completely separate to PIL home. I'd see being close as a bonus as DH and I would be contributing to caring for parents if needed as we did with grandparents.

Emma2803 · 02/10/2025 21:19

Do it. We built beside my in law's. It was/is fantastic to have family so close, especially once we had children. My in-laws are like you described yours and being, and we would visit them more often than they come to us.

The children adore their grandparents, plus it's so handy if I need them to keep an eye on them for a short while. They can nip over themselves now they are older. Also great if we need someone to sign for a parcel! 🤣

Saved us an absolute fortune not needing to buy a site, or save for a deposit.

Givenupshopping · 02/10/2025 21:22

Crowde · 02/10/2025 19:17

We can just about afford a very small but somewhat depressing house in the new build estate around the corner.

OP, when you say 'We can just about afford a very small but somewhat depressing house in the new build estate around the corner', do you mean around the corner from your IL's, or round the corner from where you live now? If where you live now, (in London), then I feel sure there must be lots of other places that are close to train lines, in addition to the place your IL's live in, and some of them may well be cheaper, enabling you to buy a much nicer home in a place of YOUR choosing, rather than in a place that suits your DH, and his parents.

In your shoes, I would do LOTS and LOTS of research BEFORE agreeing to this proposal, because as has already been pointed out to you, they WILL expect pay back at some point, and particularly as they get older. You'll likely be very surprised at how quickly the time between them being fit and able in their 60's, to turning into grumpy old people passes, and you suddenly realise that more and more is being asked/expected of you, simply because you live next door.

I also feel that with almost 50% of marriages ending in divorce, that the likelihood of you and your DH staying together is fairly slim, and as they're his parents, naturally you will be the one expected to move out, whether or not the break up is your fault or choice.

PLEASE, PLEASE, think this whole thing through, and then think it through again, as all too often these sort of arrangements end in difficulties for everyone!

Tumbler2121 · 02/10/2025 21:22

They are effectively giving you the value of the site. How about they sell it to a builder, and you have the money for a home if your choice?

mdinbc · 02/10/2025 21:29

I would. I would make a stipulation that if you ever sell the property then they would get the value of the property as it is now (not future value).

I could see upset if you decided to build, then in five years sold for profit.