To elope or not to elope?

[Jollyhockeysticks1]

My fiance and I are 33 and 35 and have been engaged for 2 years. No plans to have kids, just a DDog. Absolutely zero wedding plans have been made so far, friends and family are constantly asking us about what we're planning.

The main reasons why I'm dragging my heels is firstly that I simply can't be bothered with all of the planning. I read about all of the wedding dramas, and bitchy hen dos on here and it really puts me off! I have a few different friendship groups, many of whom love a drink. I find the idea of mixing everyone including my partner's medic colleagues and my family members who are certainly not party animals soo awkward and cringeworthy!

I think it's absolutely ridiculous that the average wedding is now £23,700 and that I would prefer to spend the money on travel/property. We would have a lot of people to invite on both sides. We have attended weddings with significantly less guests than we would have to ask that have all been over £30,000. I hate the idea of being ruthless with the guest list and offending people who don't make the cut due to financial constraints. My mum has suggested to just invite family, but our friends who have married have spent loads on ensuring that we have a lovely day and I would just feel rude. Plus I would want my friends there if I did choose to get married!.

I think weddings have become out of hand from a cost perspective. I also think the concept of a cash bar is incredibly tacky. All of my friends who are not from the UK are shocked by our culture of making guests pay for their own alcohol to a party they have been invited to. I also wince at making my friends pay hundreds to attend a hen party or thousands plus annual leave to attend a destination wedding.

Conversely I am worried about missing out on a major milestone and regretting it later in life. As you can probably tell, I am a chronic overthinker and I falter a little when I see people's beautiful wedding photos. My mum keeps reminding me that my 90 year old grandmother would love to see me married and so would all of the family.

My absolute ideal wedding would be to go to Vegas with perhaps 7 of my closest friends and my partner's closest friends plus both of our siblings and just have a party. This would exclude older family members as they would not be interested in going to Vegas. The other option is just to tell nobody and elope entirely on a big holiday we have planned early next year. Please help!

I am a chronic overthinker

are you maybe seeing someone to chat about this op? Because your OP is all the place and indicates you are very highly strung about this

You don’t ONCE mention what you fiancé would like to do

It is all me me me and I I I

We got married in Vegas a year ago and loved it - zero regrets! We then threw a ‘happily ever after party’ when we got back with everyone invited. It was perfect 🥰

So I need to see a therapist because I have some anxieties/real concerns that many people experience about planning a wedding? OK hun!

And you saying you’re a “chronic over thinker” ONLY applies to this one issue?

There is no need to get outraged at wedding costs over several paragraphs — you don’t want an expensive, planning-heavy wedding, so don’t do it. It’s not compulsory. Either have the wedding you want with a small number of friends in Vegas, or just get married alone with two witnesses, and deal with the consequences, if any. DH and I got married on our lunchbreak with two witnesses and didn’t tell anyone for years. No regrets and no negative consequences. It was lovely and low-key.

If a person is an over-thinker, often it means just that. Humans have a tendency to ponder and overthink important life decisions, particularly when they may involve significant planning or a financial commitment. This does not mean that they need to be treated by a professional. To answer your other question, of course my partner has absolutely no say whatsoever, it's all about me, me me! Of course...

This

As I thought

Dh and I didn’t want to deal with a big wedding, we had a photographer duo that were husband and wife be our witnesses and got married in a small cottage. It was what we both really wanted, something a little bit special but just us.

Weddings are ridiculously expensive.

My friend is getting married next year and even with them trying to keep costs down it’s costing around £15k

Would a small family wedding and large party before you go off together work?

Weddings are only expensive if you make them. Mine was just over 4k. The main cost was the venue. My dress was £150 my husband got his suits in M&S. My sister found the bridesmaid dresses on eBay. Hen dos don’t have to be bitchy. I knew the financial situation of my friends so just went for a meal and karaoke.

Love you got married in your lunch break! That would be my type of wedding.

Do what will make you and dh to be happy.

I/we felt a lot of pressure to do the traditional big wedding it was a fabulous day but I could barely eat as I was so nervous DH was same, the table planing was a nightmare everyone had opinions and criticisms in fact that was true of the whole day. It would have been much simpler to elope then throw a party afterwards.

i am also an over thinker and still worry about things that happened on the day.

Me too! Although… I’d have booked the afternoon off!!

Well, we intended to go back to work, but didn’t in the end! We took our witnesses out for fancy tapas and champagne…

Firstly, you don’t necessarily have to spend that sort of money. We are having a lovely wedding with 70 guests on the coast which is costing £14k altogether (still a lot I know)- this includes £2k on a photographer and £2k on a band.
Friends who have got married abroad would have spent FAR less on providing alcohol to all guests than we would here. Unless you’re loaded or have a very small wedding it’s just not possible here, and many Brits (even close friends and family) would just take advantage of the situation and get very very drunk. The standard welcome drink, toast drink, and a bit of wine with dinner is fine to provide.
If you’d enjoy a small elopement wedding with just the two of you, or an intimate wedding with a few closest family and friends abroad somewhere, then go for it.

So kind of relevant to the retelling!

sounds lovely!!

Your wedding day can be as expensive as you make it.

my best friends all had huge expensive weddings (both divorced now) one friend eloped and are still together, dh and I had a small wedding still together,

your wedding is one day , it’s the marriage that’s important,

personally I wouldn’t elope as I wouldn’t have left my mum or dh’s parents out and I’d be gutted if my children eloped too. I’d much prefer them to have a little wedding and spend the rest of the money on travelling or a house.

I've met quite a few couples who deeply regret their lavish weddings, and paying it off for years afterwards. I have never met a couple that regretted eloping!

We did something in between, we had a few loved ones there (three on each side) and a super low key ceremony in the register office, took some pretty photos at a nearby park amongst the flowers, and then went for afternoon tea. The whole thing cost a few hundred, including rings, dress (H&M), ceremony. The only decision we had to make was which songs to walk in and out to. It was gorgeous and the photos we have to look back on are lovely, the two of us sat signing the document, us standing in front of a flower display, and a couple of all eight of us in the register office.

You have to ask if the photos you envisage missing out on are really worth spending thousands and thousands of pounds on. There's nothing stopping you having a couples photo shoot at a studio in the clothes you wore for the wedding.

I think it's a really positive thing to push back against the wedding industry that has people believing their wedding will be terrible if they don't have four different musical artists (choir, singer songwriter, band, string quartet), a photo booth, a chocolate fountain, a snack van, a late night fast food offering, etc. etc. etc. and to just go do the thing, get married, be married and focus on the marriage not the wedding.

And fwiw people in their late twenties to forties do end up a bit sick of attending cookie cutter weddings that all feel the same after the fifth one. So don't make decisions based on what you think guests would expect.

I vote elope :) becoming spouses is a major milestone regardless of how you go about it, so you'd be missing out on nothing.

You don't want a wedding because you have read about the dramas and the bitchy hen dos. I think one way to avoid them is to...not make a drama out of them. If you don't want an expensive wedding, then don't have one. If you want a Vegas party, then do it. Reading your post it sounds to me like you just don't know what you want or where to start. You say you are an over thinker and it sure sounds like it - you have taken two years and haven't yet figured out what you actually want. I'd start there.

OP, I can completely relate. Really close to my family & my wife has a huge group of really great friends. We would have loved to go to vegas but got married during the pandemic and it was difficult to travel to America at the time with the annual leave we had. In the end we got married in Denmark and it was brilliant, just us two and the wedding planner who did all of the admin side for us. The only things we did ourselves is book our flights and accom and buy our dresses etc. she sent options for everything else for us to choose and we have some gorgeous photos.

Honestly I really do love seeing friends and family get married, but I have never been to a wedding since we got married and wished we had a big one ourselves. The experience was amazing, the end result was that we are married which is what we wanted and the money we saved meant we have been able to have 2 children via IVF, we have bought a house & had lovely holidays. It’s a no brainer to me (no offence to those who had a big wedding).

Also as a side note, it’s lovely your Nanna would like to see you get married but it’s no one’s day but yours and your husband to be. Do what makes you both happy whether that’s a big or small wedding!

I’m so hoping my adult DC elope.

Weddings are a dreadful waste of money.

Well, the tapas was still plausibly within lunchbreak time, it just ended up overrunning😀…