To elope or not to elope?

[Jollyhockeysticks1]

My fiance and I are 33 and 35 and have been engaged for 2 years. No plans to have kids, just a DDog. Absolutely zero wedding plans have been made so far, friends and family are constantly asking us about what we're planning.

The main reasons why I'm dragging my heels is firstly that I simply can't be bothered with all of the planning. I read about all of the wedding dramas, and bitchy hen dos on here and it really puts me off! I have a few different friendship groups, many of whom love a drink. I find the idea of mixing everyone including my partner's medic colleagues and my family members who are certainly not party animals soo awkward and cringeworthy!

I think it's absolutely ridiculous that the average wedding is now £23,700 and that I would prefer to spend the money on travel/property. We would have a lot of people to invite on both sides. We have attended weddings with significantly less guests than we would have to ask that have all been over £30,000. I hate the idea of being ruthless with the guest list and offending people who don't make the cut due to financial constraints. My mum has suggested to just invite family, but our friends who have married have spent loads on ensuring that we have a lovely day and I would just feel rude. Plus I would want my friends there if I did choose to get married!.

I think weddings have become out of hand from a cost perspective. I also think the concept of a cash bar is incredibly tacky. All of my friends who are not from the UK are shocked by our culture of making guests pay for their own alcohol to a party they have been invited to. I also wince at making my friends pay hundreds to attend a hen party or thousands plus annual leave to attend a destination wedding.

Conversely I am worried about missing out on a major milestone and regretting it later in life. As you can probably tell, I am a chronic overthinker and I falter a little when I see people's beautiful wedding photos. My mum keeps reminding me that my 90 year old grandmother would love to see me married and so would all of the family.

My absolute ideal wedding would be to go to Vegas with perhaps 7 of my closest friends and my partner's closest friends plus both of our siblings and just have a party. This would exclude older family members as they would not be interested in going to Vegas. The other option is just to tell nobody and elope entirely on a big holiday we have planned early next year. Please help!

You do what suits you and your budget. Weddings are totally out of hand now thanks to the instagram generation. We had just bought a house before we got married. Our venue was a local village hall. £100. £3k for catering, £600 for venue decor that we did ourselves. We were ruthless with the guest list. 40 day guests, an additional 25 for the evening. We did splurge £2k on a live band as I hate djs, the ultimate in tackiness.

neither of us had stag/hen dos as they are also a tacky waste of money. You can do a wedding for a decent price, just be prepared to be ruthless. Our day was magical, best day ever.

I am like this (massive overthinker, not romantic, very pragmatic) and dragging my feet with the wedding for 3-4 years almost cost me my relationship. He was going to leave because he thought I was not serious with him, and he had no time to waste. But that was not the case! Weddings are just not that important for me. Anyway, fast forward, we did go ahead with it and I'm surprised to say, it was one of the best days of my life!
You can tailor and plan your wedding the way you want it to be, and that's the beauty of it. It doesn't need to be scary ... (says she, in hindsight ;) x

The getting married in vegas sounds fun and a way better use of money.
you could have a party after your married to include everyone else.

I got married in my early 40’s. It was so easy to do away with all the wedding things we found tiresome (most of it tbh) with age you can rewrite the rules somewhat. We had an early evening ceremony, a champagne tower and then a cocktail party with charcuterie boards and bowls of street food. 40 guests. It cost £4k total. No boring chicken dinner and dull speeches. ‘City weddings’ can be very chic. Or elope and have a big party if you want to dance the night away (I didn’t!). Just don’t bow down to what other people think your wedding should look like.

we were the same, so arranged a small wedding in 3 months at a registry office I liked the look of from Instagram in London, which wasn’t close to our town so didn’t have to invite loads of people. Didn’t do a hen do or bother with bridesmaids etc, then we went to a pub for lunch after, then a few of us went to a bar for a dance. Was a total of 30 of us including 6 kids. Did the table flowers myself from dried flowers, bought a dress online for £80, think everything came to under £5K, including our hotel for 3 nights! And funnily, everyone comments how gorgeous and original our wedding looked. So just do what the hell you want and don’t worry about anyone else

Could have written this except we have one DC and Vegas would be my nightmare.

We don’t have the time, money or inclination to plan a huge £20k wedding but equally we will feel like we’re missing out on a milestone and the family celebration by eloping.

I think the issue is we don’t really see any good examples of anything in between. I don't want to have people attend a low key wedding and think it’s a bit crap in comparison to the all singing, all dancing ones people are used to now.

Add in family politics and it all seems like a bit of a nightmare. We know we want to get married but have no idea how to go about it!

don't do the 7 people in Vegas - that is very expensive and leaves many family unhappy at being left out.

you can do a big party in the UK for not much money - marquee at the pub or village hall type party and invite lots of people. that will allow all friends and family to celebrate with you and doesn't pressure them to spend lots on flights abroad or taking time off work.

then the ceremony itself could be a tiny one in the UK or a tiny one abroad - whatever makes you & your partner happy.

I think people have lost sight of the fact that a wedding is just an excuse for a party. You don’t need to buy in to all the associated wedding specific stuff for everybody to have a good time. I’m sure guests would rather have a free bar than chair covers and table favours, or any of the other examples of unnecessary tat that the wedding industry tries to persuade us is essential.

Maybe because it's her, her, her wedding?

Do what makes you and your DP happy. What does he say about how you are feeling?

I wanted to elope and didn't. The day was nice, we made a lot of people happy, danced, had all our friends and family in one place. Was lovely. Do I, 7 years on, think it was worth the money? Not really. I don't think I'd have regretted eloping and saving the cash (we spent about £15k), but it's hard to regret the day as it was a very happy one.

I didn't have a hen do, we did a relaxed pre wedding gathering with friends, but if I had my time over I don't think I'd bother with that. Also re the wedding, I saw it more as a big party with some vows in the middle. We questioned every tradition and expectation. As a result it didn't follow the usual schedule for a day (we started with photos, then the rest of the guests arrived and we had drinks and canapés, then the ceremony where we walked in together rather than having all eyes on me, then dinner, then dancing which we just put on a Spotify playlist!). Didn't have a cake, or a first dance, anything which made us uncomfortable we skipped. My dress was from ASOS. The only bits I regret were where we got kinda steamrolled into doing things 'properly', like having a bridal party all wearing the same thing, a videographer (have genuinely never watched it) and stuff like that.

You can make it whatever you like! Friends of mine did their whole day for <£1k. They rented a pub room with a garden, did bowl food, had a friend for the photography, borrowed lawn games. Was probably one of my fave weddings I've been to! And I'm a wedding photographer, I've seen a lot!

Go through all the bits and decide what you want.

If you have people travelling for the wedding, ypu can't ask them to travel for Hen do
Have a hen night a night or 2 before the wedding, doesn't need to be silly money, dinner with a quiz get everyone talking then clubbing.

Wedding,
Start with guest list - that's the hardest thing.
Then work out your budget

You can do anything from local community centre with a caterer to 5 Star hotel. One of my favourite weddings was in a community centre.

Things that add pointless costs, fancy stationary invites, order of service, favours (that people bin)

It is a bit.

If you aren't into fuss, could you not have a very small ceremony with your elderly relatives who seem to attach more importance to it?

A nice afternoon tea afterwards won't cost the earth. Then do the photoshoot as and where you want.

I am not a great believer in the more modern idea that weddings are "all about me." I guess some of that has developed from the fact that more couples pay for it themselves. But seeing the children in the family grow up and marry is often something parents and grandparents attach great significance too - and they have played their part. It's their day too. Quite frankly, for your friends it is just one more wedding in a string of weddings, half of which they probably dimly remember.

Conversely I am worried about missing out on a major milestone and regretting it later in life. As you can probably tell, I am a chronic overthinker and I falter a little when I see people's beautiful wedding photos. My mum keeps reminding me that my 90 year old grandmother would love to see me married and so would all of the family.
My absolute ideal wedding would be to go to Vegas with perhaps 7 of my closest friends and my partner's closest friends plus both of our siblings and just have a party. This would exclude older family members as they would not be interested in going to Vegas. The other option is just to tell nobody and elope entirely on a big holiday we have planned early next year. Please help!

I mean these two paragraphs are so weirdly juxtaposed op. Your mum keeps reminding you how much your 90 year old granny would love it, so you thought of a trip to Vegas which would exclude older relatives? And you hate the thought of expense and complications, yet travelling to Vegas would be ideal?

Photos first was a brilliant thought!

Oh wow.
Two completely unnecessary snap backs in a row, and I’m only about 10 posts in!
Do what you like. You obviously don’t really want help.

I dithered for years, mostly because I couldn't work out how to have a wedding without my father being there (he would've gone out of his way to ruin the day).

In the end DH and I had a registry office wedding, with our two best friends as witnesses (and it was a total surprise to one of them, she thought we were just going out for lunch). We went to our favourite restaurant afterwards. It was a fab day, the registrar said it was one of the best weddings she'd done because we were so chill. The wedding bit cost less than £100.

Do whatever feels right to you OP, don't be guilted into a wedding you don't want.

I know several people who had four people at their wedding (including the witnesses). If that suits you just do it. If you'd prefer to elope just do it. It's not up to other people to decide, and you don't have to please anyone else.

If your DP is up for it then my vote would be for eloping.

DH and I got married after 25+ years together, our 2 DC were witnesses, no one else knew. We got married in a registry office, had a nice meal with our DC afterwards (just the 4 of us). We told people about 15 months afterwards. No drama, no fuss, just us. Pretty cheap as well, the meal was the most expensive bit (about £500 for the 4 of us) but it was the perfect solution. Why not do it with just you and DH in Vegas? Then there is no drama about who goes/doesn't go, etc.

How was it “very pragmatic” to drag your heels for 3-4 years @Sandrine1982 ?

Really was the best idea! Meant we maximised time with the guests rather than spending all that money and missing a third of it! I also really enjoyed meeting my partner at the venue with the photographer before anyone else arrived and enjoying it for a bit in peace before the fam and wedding party arrived for the rest of the pictures. If you're not bothered about not seeing eachother till the alter it's a strong recommendation. We genuinely did one big group shot with everyone there, and the photographer spent the rest of the time capturing candid shots.

Go on holiday with immediate family and get married.

Best idea is no professional photos! We had a small wedding and my friend’s amateur photographer father just mingled and took candid pics. Was lovely. And didn’t take us away from guests for a nanosecond.

one group shot and that’s the only one we had framed

Didn't elope as such , but got married about 30 miles away from home ( the registry office was in a very old building and lovely looking )
just two friends as witness , no guests & went for a meal afterwards .
We wasn't even going to tell family until afterwards , but did in the end .

You could have a lovely low key wedding. Maybe hire a pub and get them to do the catering. Hire a band and DJ. Make own cake. Have a lovely party. Everyone has a memorable fab time because you and groom were having a fantastic day with friends and family.