Not using second christening dress MIL bought

[nebulacoccinella]

I had already bought my daughter’s dress firstly. Me and MIL had also talked about everything I wanted and didn’t want it to be. Lace, no satin, cream not white, long sleeves, floor length.
Then MIL randomly just gave to my fiance a ‘second christening dress even though I know you wanted to pick it yourselves, she can wear after the main event.’ It’s satin, white, sleeveless, above the knees. I had already found a second dress I wanted for this purpose of wearing for comfort, though I had never talked about it or my desire for such a thing. It’s typical for MIL to just ignore my wishes in relation to myself and my child and do whatever she feels without acknowledging it.
I am thinking to be non confrontational, saying that the one she got ended up not fitting, which should be believable as it was bought over 3 months before the event and my daughters really big for her age. AIBU?

We can't stop other people being controlling but we can refuse to be controlled. You are under no obligation to use the things she buys. You also don't have to have a conversation about it, beforehand, with her. If she asks why you didn't...."I didn't want to" is a fine response

Appreciate the honest take! I do agree obviously love and compassion are core to Christianity, but being a passive submissive doormat sometimes is but doesn’t have to be. And when my mil so frequently overrides mine and partners decisions for our child we don’t believe we need to accept anything from anyone as a result of having love and compassion

OP, it’s your baby and your Christening. I think your MIL’s behaviour is a combination of excited grandmother, and wanting to be involved. You’re going to have to be firm though - “MIL, we love that you are so excited about DC’s Christening, but we want to do it our way.” So compromise - put the baby in her awful dress for a photograph; only use the decorations that go with your scheme, and make it very clear to your MIL that your house is yours and that you will choose whichever furniture suits you and she doesn’t have to like it. As far as the cake is concerned, I think she was trying to be helpful. You said that she wanted a friend (and not her) to make it - so if she’s not a baker herself, she probably regards it as a big thing to make a Christening cake. I made a Christening cake for one DGC and bought one for another, but this was at the request of the mother. It doesn’t do to fall out with your MIL, but equally, you need to set the ground rules. She sounds well-meaning but inclined to over-step - so take advantage of the fact that she want to be involved and next time, take her shopping with you so you can get decorations together - you get what you want and she has the pleasure of being involved. I think her motives are good: it’s the imposition on you, and the fact that she goes against what you want, that is irritating.

Really? It’s not kind to just lie down and accept whatever someone else wants to impose onto your life. OP wants her child to be christened in a dress she’s chosen and has very good reasons for using her dress. MIL just wants to override OP as a power play, no real reason for her behaviour other than that. This is not a ‘be kind’ scenario.

Good
seems like you’ve got it surrounded
just tell her NO. with a pleasant smile.

What ever he wants, it shouldn't be a dress his mum bought. If he was that interested im sure he would have picked a 2nd dress himself

Not all mil are like this. I loved mine who passed away at 95. I still miss her. Is your husband an only child?

I’m an easy going person but you really need to nip this in the bud now or she will ruin every Christmas, birthday etc with this nonsense. My parents wanted to treat our daughter to her christening dress. They asked us which one we wanted and then bought it. They wouldn’t have dreamed of choosing a different one.

She is your child ... decorations cake dresses it's not mils choice.
Why oh why do mils have to give us mils a bad name by doing these things.
I'd just offer any help needed just shout to my kids not taking over... we've had our children let the parents have their special times mils.

I suspect this has nothing to do with the actual dress and everything to do with her being a passive-aggressive control freak. I was raised by one so I can spot them a mile off! It’s hard to stand up to people like this because they play the victim and call you ungrateful if you call out their controlling overbearing behaviour (“oh that’s such a hurtful thing to say, I was only trying to be helpful” blah blah blah).

With my DM, once I realised she was incapable of seeing anyone else’s viewpoint or respect people’s boundaries and was never going to change, I learnt to be breezy but firm with my opinions and then shut her down by changing the subject before she could respond again - playing her at her own mind games basically, which is sad but it was the only way I could have a relationship with her without going insane or smothering her in her sleep!

I think you need to take the same approach with your MIL and work out what tactics will work on her otherwise you’ll become her go-to doormat whenever she feels like throwing her weight around. Your DH is probably so used to her doing this shit that he’s either oblivious to it or just think it’s normal.

I think the same op. You've chosen the main dress, she hasn't asked for it to be used in place of that, and she didn't know you had bought the other.

Is it such a big deal to pop her in it for a few photos after the other has been showcased?

@Calliopespa what about the cake, decorations, removal of furniture demands of MIL?

When you say "this nonsense", she's only bought her grand-daughter a gift.

I think the nonsense is more the idea that having a baby means you can dictate what people are allowed to choose to gift with their own money.

My grandmother used to make us dresses - months of smocking and sewing. My mother and my aunts always made sure we used them for a nice occasion and gave my grandmother a photo, if she wasn't actually there to enjoy seeing us in them. My grandparents also travelled a lot and would bring us each back an outfit - often a traditional one; we all still have the most fabulous traditional "trachten" - and nobody got all weird about it. My grandmother had a photo of me in one when I went as Heidi on Book Day. It sat on her mantelpiece for years.

oh, is there a drip feed?

I'll have a look ...

Start as you mean to go on, nip this utter nonsense in the bud.

MIL had her children and presumably decided on their clothes, decorations and cake many years ago. It is your time now not hers.

Well the cake was just an offer and you've nipped that in the bud.

Baby is wearing the dress you chose and MIL seems to have accepted that.

The coffee table thing was rude.

I think much of it is just exuberant grandparenting op. I wouldn't frame it as all this "passive aggressive doormat psychobabble" or you will end up breathing too much energy into the situation. Maybe thank her for the second dress and say you will pop her in it for some photos after, and use the decorations you like and quietly shelve the others. And leave your coffee table where it is if you like it.

This isn't really about the dress, or the christening, or the decorations.
It's about the fact that your MIL thinks that she has the right to make decisions which are yours to make.
If you don't put your foot down NOW, this will continue and get worse.
She will find a way to do other things that you would naturally want to do (e.g. first trip to Father Christmas etc.)
Time to make it clear to her that this is your child - yours and your fiance's (and he needs to have your back!)

If he agrees with you why isn't he telling her no?

Honestly sounds like he is using you to tell his mother no so he can hold his hands out to her saying "nothing to do with me"

If she asks tell her I was all for it but your son said no.....

I agree with most of what you’re saying and that sounds lovely. A dress would be fine. Any dress that can be worn at any time. To buy a dress for a specific event when you have been told that the parents want to choose it themselves and then say you don’t have a receipt is not the same as buy a gift in my opinion.

@ This very same thing happened to me around my baby daughter’s christening..except it wasn’t my mother-in-law (I could start a million other threads about her lol) it was my SISTER’s ex mother-in-law! And it was a family heirloom! Just not my family!

But hasn't op chosen the one the baby is wearing for the ceremony? And the MIL has accepted that? I thought MIL only said you could pop her in this afterwards - which is actually quite practical. In our family we whip ours off after the ceremony and photos (usually to feed baby) and it's lasted quite a few babies in our family without rips or explosive poos etc!

I just kind of feel the secret to a warm and involved family is ... well, letting them be involved. I think it was op's place to choose the main dress - and I agree with you on that; it would be a different thread if MIL was saying she must wear this one instead. But I don't see that throwing MIL the bone of popping her in the other once the ceremony and main photos is over is such a big deal. MIL would probably feel delighted if OP said after the last photo "could I just put the baby in her other dress for a last photo?"

This.

I have a similar MIL. Many things were done when I had specifically said no when suggested by her and she ploughed ahead and did them anyway.

Clothes were bought and I never put them on DC. She has even opened gifts for my kids and returned items she didn't like herself!!!

I agree with the post above.

Don’t let her undermine you. I’d pick up on every tiny thing and put a stop to it. It will only get worse. First shoes, visit to Santa etc. Don’t let her override you.

Be assertive. Explain it's not your choice of dress you already have the second dress. Or do what you said tell MIL the dress is way to tight/short whatever. And she's not to get another as you have one already. Furthermore it's better that she talks to you before she chooses or pays for anything. As you've often got your own ideas!

I think you need to do this now and politely make it clear in advance next time that you've organised a b or c and will buy your own things.

Don't discuss it or ask anyone. Just put up your own decor. Put your own dress on the baby.

Its all very well thinking its your fiance's place to deal with MIL but if he isn't doing to do anything then you have to calmly, politely assert yourself.

No point arguing with her about the furniture beyond a calm "Im keeping it" She can say get rid of it - you don't have to.

Dial back discussions on the Christening. She's a welcome guest but a guest not the host.

You still have a chance to gently assert yourself and not put up with any nonsense.