Not using second christening dress MIL bought

[nebulacoccinella]

I had already bought my daughter’s dress firstly. Me and MIL had also talked about everything I wanted and didn’t want it to be. Lace, no satin, cream not white, long sleeves, floor length.
Then MIL randomly just gave to my fiance a ‘second christening dress even though I know you wanted to pick it yourselves, she can wear after the main event.’ It’s satin, white, sleeveless, above the knees. I had already found a second dress I wanted for this purpose of wearing for comfort, though I had never talked about it or my desire for such a thing. It’s typical for MIL to just ignore my wishes in relation to myself and my child and do whatever she feels without acknowledging it.
I am thinking to be non confrontational, saying that the one she got ended up not fitting, which should be believable as it was bought over 3 months before the event and my daughters really big for her age. AIBU?

I mean, really, if you're going to have a successful marriage with your fiance, he needs to tell his mother to back off. You both need to be on the same page, and he should always put you and your child first, over his overbearing mother.

Yes, you also need to stand up for yourself, but when it comes to his mother, really he should be the one asserting boundaries. He's a bit cheeky to leave it all to you. It's his mum, so better coming from him.

You mean, why is your mother-in-law like that, I’m a mother-in-law and I’m nothing like that .

Yep. Claim your space. Bundle up any tat she’s given you and donate it. When she asks, say that it was a lovely thought but not to your taste/doesn’t go with your decor, etc, and you have given it away. Dress your kid the way you want. When she asks, just say that you told her that you had a christening dress already and hopefully you will have an event for her to wear the other one before she grows out of it. When she drops in, say that now is not a good time and ask that she calls you first in future.

She sounds like a nightmare. I think if it were me, this would be the point at which I would make a very firm boundary with MIL. Feel free to use any small element of what she has bought that you like, by all means have her dress tucked away as a back up. But otherwise have the Christening 100% according to your vision and just brazen out the fall out: "oh sorry MIL, I had such a fixed idea in my mind of how baby's Christening would be, I knew you would understand. I'm sure you remember how much these milestones mean when you are the mother (tinkly laugh)".

And yes talk it though with DH beforehand and get him on board. It sounds like he will be understanding. The details of these events (food, tablecloths, dresses) won't matter to him, but he should understand and respect how important they are to you and that he needs to have your back.

The solution is obvious: when the MIL asks why the dress was not worn, say it was impossible, as you’d hung in a willow tree and burned it as a sacrifice to Satan.

She won’t trouble you again.

You have to sort all this out now, nebula, it's getting far too complicated and has little or nothing to do with your baby being baptised. The clothes, decorations and party are frills but it's quite possible to have a baptismal ceremony without any of that and it would mean the same.

Get back to why your baby is having this and rid yourself and everyone else of the surrounding pettiness and bad feeling. It's inappropriate.

It’s a christening . It’s not about the dress!

It's not the worst crime in the world is it?. She's your daughter's grandma and she's excited. If I was in that position I think I'd put the 2nd dress in even just for a little while. Having grandparents who are invested and want to be involved is a wonderful gift.

Just say you prefer yours and your daughter will be wearing it. If MIL wants to get confrontational about your simple, factual and absolutely uncontroversial response that's her problem. At that point, grey rock her.

Your kid, your kid's christening, literally every single decision gets to be entirely made by you and her dad - you can take other people's wants on board if it suits you. But you very much do not have to.

People who are decent will then turn up and shut up about their wants.

LMAO!

And if she complains, tell her she’s next.

Start standing up for yourself

Thanks for the dress but we already have one
Thanks but we don't need these decorations
Sorry, baby is asleep between 2-4 so visiting hours are earlier or later than that

Exactly no it’s not the worst crime at all, and you’re right we are very fortunate that both sets of grandparents care so much for our child! I think I will let her have some time in the dress to please my mil, but I don’t want this to continue be a habit where I cave to my mil overriding my wishes for my child which is what it’s been up to now. Perhaps it seems a daft place to draw the line but, little backstory, my parents threw away all my childhood things I had specifically asked them to keep so I could give to my kids. I got my daughters christening dress as an heirloom and put a lot of thought into it so it’d be timeless and have longevity. So to store it away for something my mil new I didn’t want when this is already a habit just doesn’t sit right with me!

You’re absolutely right! Thank you.

I’m sorry that was definitely an over generalisation.

Obviously, she is lying about losing the receipt. It's just another manipulation tactic.

Luckily, your DH is supporting you. Use your christening dress and change her into the other outfit that you have bought. MIL had her chance to choose outfits for special occasions for her own children.

It's about more than 'just a dress' though. It's about your MIL completely taking over special occasions and not taking no for an answer. It's your child and the party is in your house. Dress your daughter how you want and decorate your house to your tastes, not your MILs.

The fact that she turns up every time when your baby is asleep and insists on waking her is a red flag to me. It's about her exerting control over you and your DH, not about love and care for her grandchild.

Can't you ask your fiancé to talk to her?

He should tell her that this is your baby and you wanted to plan the christening yourself. You wanted to choose your baby's dress and the decorations and the cake and she's acting like it's her own baby's christening.

Don’t use her dress and use only a few of her decor pieces. If you do, you’ll only encourage her.

If she says anything, “oh MIL, but we told you we’d got her outfits sorted!”
”yes your pieces are nice but I saw these and they work better in the room. I put some of yours over there, look.”

My dc’s dress for her first birthday party was chosen by someone who did it by trampling over my boundaries, but I had no support in asserting what I wanted. I ended up feeling like a spare wheel at the party and it still hurts now to remember (child is mid teens).

If your husband thinks you need to be more assertive, I would take that on board. I still struggle now with people pleasing, but as I’ve got older, the field in which my fucks are grown has got less fertile and I look forward to a time when it’s completely barren!

If I’m understanding rightly , your dh is agreeing with yiu , but , standing up for yourself , is doing what you believe to be right , even if , No one else agrees
You weight it up and try ti be fair.
But yiur mil is a pushy personality, and will continue to walk , roughshod over you till you draw the line.
it is hard , but draw the line NOW
from here on it gets easier
you have one life …..

Your p needs a kick up the arse, it's his mother he needs to put her straight, not expect you to sort her out.
She's laying down the law now, just wait until you are married and she 'owns' you as a dil. Get her sorted now with proper support from your p and let her know her place.
Your home, your rules.

Your partner agrees with your choices and says you need to stand up for yourself, but this is his mother being domineering - why isn’t he standing up for the choices that he agreed with you? Seems to me that he is afraid to stand up to his mother, he is always the one being dominated. That’s the charitable opinion. The other option is that he’s not actually a very nice man and is setting you up to be dominated. Does he have your back?

She is taking over. She may feel like she’s helping, but it’s your child and totally normal to want your own theme etc. You need to nip it in the bud, before she is buying birthday banners etc. I’d just say you really appreciate her thoughtfulness but you already have a theme in mind. She has had her time to do this with her own DC, now she needs to step back a bit, and offer if she wants to be helpful, as she is over stepping the mark.

Why is your partner, supposedly agreeing with you, telling you to stand up to MIL? Why isn’t he standing up to his mother? Why is he expecting you to do the dirty work? Her interference needs to be stopped, this is more than an excited granny.

I mean, I'm a very committed atheist, but your attitude isn't very Christian, surely? Love and compassion, and all that..