How would you split the cost of this trip?

[GetBendyWithWendy]

Surprise birthday trip for the parent of adult children.

Attending:
The other parent.
One adult child with a spouse and teen.
One single childless adult child.

Divide the total cost by 5, other parent pays their portion, sibling pays their own, couple pay their share each and split between them the cost of their teen so that is the 5th portion.

That's what we do in my family. If we are buying tickets for something and the other parent is accompanying them (particularly if they don't like it), they get the tickets as a freebie.

We bought a hotel stay and tickets once and the other parents just got the freebie.

It depends on what the gift is.

For a tangible gift split between adult siblings, I’d do a 50/50 split. But I’d also expect the sibling with a child to buy something else as a gift from the child to their grandparent.

For a meal out (siblings treating parents and taking the child too), I’d expect each sibling and the spouse to pay a third. Yes, they’re not the spouse’s parents, but a 50/50 split would mean they’d only paid for themselves.

In our family the two adult children would split it 1/3 & 2/3

We wouldn't expect the other parent to pay - if we invited one parent we would assume they wanted their spouse and were treating both.

And we would roughly recognise that couple and teen used more rooms than single sibling and do a rough calculation and not argue about the cost basis. We'd see it as an opportunity to all have a great time together, and would only do something that we could all budget to do without quibbling over the basis of the split. If one family was struggling the other would just pick up more of the bill. No one takes the piss, no one begrudges, no one is mean.

The birthday-parent spouse would probably show up with a case of wine or something.

What is being proposed by the various family members, OP? You’ve had lots of opinions on what’s fair - but I don’t think we know yet what is the source of the dispute?

Or are you just gathering views before cost is discussed?

Personally I think we’d split three ways, unless there was a huge difference in price between a 3 bed vs 4 bed. In that case I think the adults with a teen should pay the difference .

Just gathering views 🙂

But there are 4 adults:
the other parent
two adult children
spouse of one of the adult children

Teen is paid for by the teen's parents

Yeah but presumably they’re all having their own room. So it doesn’t matter if the spouse is going or not, especially if they’re paying extra for the teen.

We do this kind of thing a lot. Three siblings, with 0/2/3 DC respectively. It's always split between the adults. No one has ever mentioned one sibling paying less/more because of the number of DC. The headcount for the purpose of paying is adults only.

In this case, we'd pay for both parents and split everything three ways. It's worked quite happily for about 20 years now!

Same with food/drinks. We do a big order/delivery of whatever we need and split it three ways. Otherwise you're into "Robert had two rashers of bacon! I'm a vegetarian, and carrots are cheaper, and your DD just ate another bagel' territory and that would be the end of the happy times

Or the three adults: the two adult children, plus the one adult child's spouse, split the cost for both their parents.

But the adult child + spouse pay for their teen child, especially if that teen child has his/her own room.

How many rooms? is the main question ...

I would pay per bedroom. Assuming there are four bedrooms and the cost is $1,000, each bedroom is "worth" $250.

So the couple pays for their bedroom and their kid's bedroom, $500. The single adult pays for their bedroom, $250.

Personally I wouldn't expect the parents to pay for their room at all but if you expect one parent to pay then they pay $125 and everybody splits the remaining $125.

Your sibling with no children is a saint. When the children get older and a family can't fit into one room, I hope you split it more fairly.

I think, if you’re quibbling about how the cost is going to be split, just don’t do it.
You’ll be counting pennies and tallying up debts the whole time. Who bought the food, the drinks, how much they had of the food and drink.

If you want to do this kind of break with family, the only way to do it is if you won’t begrudge paying for this or that or having less of the other because the trip is about the whole family rather than the individual units within it.

That's really, really unfair on the sibling without extra guests. My kids eat more than I do!

Anyone that has bought me a night or two away for a birthday or Christmas has bought it for my husband and I.

-My mum sends us to Wales for two nights
-My husband's mum sends us to Paris
-We send our friend and his wife to Brighton

On all of these counts it could be husband or wifes birthday gift.

Never have I ever shouldered part of the spend on time away when it's directed at my spouse. These kind of gifts are to both of them because that is likely what makes them happier.

Horses for courses though I suppose

So the couple pays for their bedroom and their kid's bedroom, $500. The single adult pays for their bedroom, $250.

So for 3 people, that sibling contributes the equivalent of $186 per person, while the single adult pays $250.

Way to go for fairness!

You aren't paying for people, you're paying for rooms. They're paying for the rooms that they use. Frankly if I'm going to quibble down to the last dollar about fairness I'm not going to go. I can't be bothered with that.

How many bedrooms in the house?
Whose idea was the trip?
In my family non birthday parent would cover the costs for all.

Is the other parent in on the suprise? If so, I'd say by bedroom.

For example:

Bedroom 1: mum and dad. In this instance the non birthday person would normally kick in for their room if it were my family, or half of it if others want to cover the birthday person.

Bedroom 2: married couple

Bedroom 3: kids

Bedroom 4: single person.

So if split 4 ways, non birthday parent pays 1/4.

Family pays 2/4.

Single person pays 1/4.

If kicking in for half of bedroom 1:

Non birthday person: 1/8

Family: 2/4 + half of room 1

Singleton: 1/4 + half of room 1

I think paying by room is fair. So if the family with the teen requires an additional room, they pay more for accommodation. If they will share, then each family pays a third. Food should be split per person.

I'd split it four ways between the adults. It's not fair to split it between families. I would assume the adult child with a spouse and child would take two rooms at the accommodation anyway? And therefore it's justified to pay more.

And I wouldn’t consider the impact of a second earner in one of the adult children’s households.

Are you in a household with two incomes? It sounds like it ...

You're not wrong, DoubtfulCat, which is why these things work if everyone's prepared to be fair, but not so much if someone insists that so-and-so won't be using much such-and-such, and then others look at them through narrowed eyes when they do

I guess it's a case of knowing the people concerned, and the very fact that OP's already concerned about "what's fair" seems to me to indicate a risk of this going south

We've long gone past that stage, and they're not a saint We just
all know that life shakes down in different ways. The sibling who has more DC does more caring duties. The sibling without DC accepts a lot of help for another, entirely unconnected thing.

Paying a 3-way split for a holiday home twice a year or so is one small part of the fabric of ours lives and the give and take we're all part of.