Do I send the kids when they don’t want to go

35goingon80 · 2025-10-01T07:59:13+00:00

My children are 6 and 9. Every week is a struggle to get them to their dads. To be honest it’s a pain as I have to get everything ready for school, he never reads with them/homework never done. They are going away this weekend (not abroad) so he has decided to have them from Friday because it suits him. It’s like he picks and chooses and I don’t get a say. I don’t think my 2 like the fact that new gf is there or something, do they have to go?

tillytopthetope · 01/10/2025 09:01

So difficult.

if it’s court ordered contact then yes they have to go if it’s not then no they don’t have too. But if keeping a relationship with their dad is in their best interests then you need to do that. Put your feelings to the side, yes it’s inconvenient for you to sort everything out but if you don’t your children may not forgive you in the future. Perhaps get to the bottom of why they don’t want to go

Original poster

35goingon80 · 01/10/2025 09:03

tillytopthetope · 01/10/2025 09:01

So difficult.

if it’s court ordered contact then yes they have to go if it’s not then no they don’t have too. But if keeping a relationship with their dad is in their best interests then you need to do that. Put your feelings to the side, yes it’s inconvenient for you to sort everything out but if you don’t your children may not forgive you in the future. Perhaps get to the bottom of why they don’t want to go

I do want them to have a relationship with him, they just say it’s boring. I don’t think it is anything major but I don’t know what to do for the best. There is no court order.

OP posts:

vivainsomnia · 01/10/2025 09:04

Of course they do. Or do you think because it's a pain for you, they should be deprived of the bond and love they have with the other parent?

DaisyChain505 · 01/10/2025 09:04

Have you sat down and had a conversation with them about why they don’t like going?

It could be something as small as they don’t like how dark it is in their rooms at night or the cereal he gives them for breakfast.

You need to speak to them and ask why they don’t like going and explain how important it is that they see their dad and maintain a relationship with him but if there’s things that can be changed to make them happier, both you and their dad want to do that.

Whatever they tell you, approach their dad for a conversation with the attitude that it’s important to you that they maintain a relationship with him and your speaking to him so that can happen. Remind him you’re not trying to fight or cause arguments but just communicate the problems they’ve shared with you so that changes can be made.

BCBird · 01/10/2025 09:11

Get dad to talk to.them. I don't think you should have to persuade them. Perhaps he can organise something suitable to entice them? No doubt it might seem boring if they don't do much usually and they are not amongst their things

Swiftie1878 · 01/10/2025 09:24

35goingon80 · 01/10/2025 09:03

I do want them to have a relationship with him, they just say it’s boring. I don’t think it is anything major but I don’t know what to do for the best. There is no court order.

Show quote history

They need to see their dad. You need to help them navigate that, not give them an out.

padronpepper · 01/10/2025 09:26

Why should the op have to help navigate them having a relationship with a father who seems at best disinterested in them? Why is he not expected to step up and be a father?

GiantTeddyIsTired · 01/10/2025 09:31

My line in the sand is actually that I won't force them. I will give light encouragement, but his relationship with them is his to manage.

They need someone reliable, and that's me, and I will not force a crying child out of the door to see a parent that they don't want to see. If he wants to try and drag them out, then that's his relationship to damage with them.

I also require notice of intention to see the kids - my solicitor thought I was mad to only ask for 2 weeks notice (which I am firm about, it's not a big ask) as he felt it should be a firm timetable, but I know my ex, and that would be pointless. 2 weeks notice, with the ability to say no if the kids don't want to go was a good deal for me.

Wishitsnows · 01/10/2025 09:32

It’s down to him to try to persuade them and be interested enough in them that they want to go. You can’t be expected to parent for him. They will no doubt vote with their feet when they are old enough that they will be listened to. For now just let them know they have to go and you don’t have a choice in sending them.

BeeCucumber · 01/10/2025 09:33

Stop the contact. If he wants to see his children - he needs to make the effort - stop facilitating him.

GiantTeddyIsTired · 01/10/2025 09:34

vivainsomnia · 01/10/2025 09:04

Of course they do. Or do you think because it's a pain for you, they should be deprived of the bond and love they have with the other parent?

Well, it's clearly not a good one if they don't want to go?

My kids are bored witless at their dads, they don't even notice if they don't see him for a couple of months they still go and visit though, because they are at worst ambivalent (although that did take a bit of gentle persuasion/bribery from me for one of them after he didn't see them for over a year post split). If a child actively doesn't want to go, then they presumably have a reason, and that's what he needs to solve. Not OP.

Springtimehere · 01/10/2025 09:39

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Sliceofbattenberg · 01/10/2025 09:39

In your situation I would feel obliged to make them available at a certain prearranged time for him to collect. It's up to him to persuade them to leave with him.
Regarding the homework and the reading, the 9 year old is presumably old enough to take responsibility for doing it themselves? Or is their father actively preventing them?

Dopeydoraz · 01/10/2025 09:48

Divorce is cruel on children. Many parents like to pretend it isnt

vivainsomnia · 01/10/2025 09:49

Well, it's clearly not a good one if they don't want to go?
Don't want to go because it's booooring..... Oh please....how often my kids have told me that my proposed plans for the day were...booooring....because they much preferred to stay in front of the TV than going shopping.

What they didn't know because they were much too young to be able to is that even a trip going shopping was very beneficial. They learn many things and yes, we bonded through the experience. Talking in the car, teaching them about the costs of things, nutrition etc...and we managed to bring in some fun in the mist of it too, with sometimes a treat too.

He is taking them away this weekend, so it's not like he doesn't make any efforts.

Parents who listened to their kids moaning about them being bored are doing them no favours at all, not at this still young age.

GiantTeddyIsTired · 01/10/2025 10:58

Right - and if I need to make them do something boring, then I do. OP's ex wants them to do something boring, so it's him that needs to put in the effort to get them to come, not OP. She already has to make them do the day to day boring stuff like homework and the food shop. He can deal with making see him - it's not her problem.

Duckduckagogo · 01/10/2025 12:28

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Agree.

isthesolution · 01/10/2025 13:34

You need a regular contact agreement. The best way to manage that is that he picks them up from school because then you are involved in persuading or discussing.

If he doesn’t stick to it tell him to go to court for a contact order.

You might not want him to have contact now but it’s probably in their best interest to keep a relationship with their father (unless he is abusive etc) and also it’s reasonable that you will need a little break too!

Original poster

35goingon80 · 03/10/2025 07:43

isthesolution · 01/10/2025 13:34

You need a regular contact agreement. The best way to manage that is that he picks them up from school because then you are involved in persuading or discussing.

If he doesn’t stick to it tell him to go to court for a contact order.

You might not want him to have contact now but it’s probably in their best interest to keep a relationship with their father (unless he is abusive etc) and also it’s reasonable that you will need a little break too!

He is picking them up from school, he will have to deal with it.

OP posts:

BusWankers · 03/10/2025 07:47

Why is it "boring" at his house?

Swiftie1878 · 03/10/2025 07:48

35goingon80 · 03/10/2025 07:43

He is picking them up from school, he will have to deal with it.

Show quote history

They should talk to their Dad about their ‘boredom’. He perhaps doesn’t realise.

saraclara · 03/10/2025 07:54

Sounds to me as though dads can't win. Mumsnetters are constantly moaning about Disney dads, but now it's fine to say that kids don't need to go and see their dad because it's boring there.

Kids of that age are pretty quick to describe anything as boring. You don't say 'okay then, you can stop having a relationship with your dad for the rest of your life because you get bored there'.
We have no evidence that life is exceptionally dull at his house. He's taking them away for the weekend, for a start.

I'm just imagining a mother being told that she won't be seeing her kids any more because she's not entertaining enough.

saraclara · 03/10/2025 07:59

I do want them to have a relationship with him, they just say it’s boring. I don’t think it is anything major

It's likely to just be that they don't have their usual stuff around them and it messes with their routine. Just as your post is mainly you moaning about the effect that it has on yours.

That's not remotely enough to deprive their dad of contact with his children. .

pilates · 03/10/2025 07:59

I don’t think you can stop them
going to dad’s just because it’s ‘boring’.

Myfridgeiscool · 03/10/2025 08:06

I’d want to investigate why they don’t want to go. It shouldn’t be a struggle.