Page 2 | Do I send the kids when they don’t want to go

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/10/2025 08:18

what’s the current split of time is he eow or 5050?
if eow I would keep sending them as you need a break. I would write to him and share what they’ve said so he’s aware.
if 5050 and he doesn’t do homework I would raise it in writing and then if no improvement reduce his time as you need quality time with kids too.

JetFlight · 03/10/2025 08:47

Why is it boring for them? Does he do stuff with them? He’s taking them away so hopefully that’s not boring.
It’s so easy to not be boring for children at those ages that it sounds like he doesn’t do much with them.
It’s always in the children’s best interest to have a good relationship with both parents so I’d facilitate it by sending dc with stuff that helps them not to be bored. Craft or art stuff, a game, a comic.

Lavatime · 03/10/2025 08:58

At those ages, providing there's no safeguarding concerns then it's in their best interests to have a relationship with both parents. Letting them say they don't want to go and then not sending them is putting far too much responsibility on such young kids- they can't consider the long term impact it will have on their relationship with their dad because they're kids.

Branleuse · 03/10/2025 08:59

I would tell the children that they are going there because he is their daddy, and its daddys weekend. Sometimes it might be a bit boring and sometimes it will be fun, but its not up to you because its daddys time, and that maybe they could tell him what sort of things they want to do with him.

PollyBell · 03/10/2025 09:01

35goingon80 · 01/10/2025 08:59

My children are 6 and 9. Every week is a struggle to get them to their dads. To be honest it’s a pain as I have to get everything ready for school, he never reads with them/homework never done. They are going away this weekend (not abroad) so he has decided to have them from Friday because it suits him. It’s like he picks and chooses and I don’t get a say. I don’t think my 2 like the fact that new gf is there or something, do they have to go?

Well you chose him as their father so unless you go to court and the court decides no then yes you do

Cookaburraa · 03/10/2025 09:07

I’m a stepmum to kids of similar ages. No real issues with the adults, all established. EOWE.

If we don’t plan big STUFF with SC, I’m sure they don’t want to come. Yet weekends with their mum are just spent doing chores, watching TV and occasional food shop or the local park. SC never play in their rooms here, they’re always on us for constant interaction and entertainment.

I think it’s normal. They can relax more at “home.”

Cookaburraa · 03/10/2025 09:09

My point is yes they should go OP! It doesn’t sound like your ex has done anything wrong except not living with you.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 03/10/2025 09:11

It doesn’t sound like an ideal schedule if you have all the weekdays and he has all the weekends. I can see why they wouldn’t enjoy that too.

Is your ex reasonable enough to discuss a change in schedule?

Having some weekdays and some weekend days at both houses is always better I think, even if one person has more of the overall time. Neither parent should get all the weekend time - or the kids shouldn’t always have to be away from their “main” home on weekends, to put it better.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 03/10/2025 09:13

PollyBell · 03/10/2025 09:01

Well you chose him as their father so unless you go to court and the court decides no then yes you do

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That’s a strange outlook. No one knows exactly what their partner will be like as a parent til it happens.

My exh was a brilliant uncle. Always talked about how much he wanted kids. He was a crap and barely engaged father with our two when they were little.

Original poster

35goingon80 · 03/10/2025 09:21

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 03/10/2025 09:13

That’s a strange outlook. No one knows exactly what their partner will be like as a parent til it happens.

My exh was a brilliant uncle. Always talked about how much he wanted kids. He was a crap and barely engaged father with our two when they were little.

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Yes, he was great pre kids, it was all left to me when his own children came along. I don’t want to stop them from going but there is so much work for me to do beforehand when it is school. He refuses to have them on weekends on a regular basis as he ‘cant’

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Jellycatspyjamas · 03/10/2025 09:27

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/10/2025 08:18

what’s the current split of time is he eow or 5050?
if eow I would keep sending them as you need a break. I would write to him and share what they’ve said so he’s aware.
if 5050 and he doesn’t do homework I would raise it in writing and then if no improvement reduce his time as you need quality time with kids too.

They should see their dad because he’s their parent and the relationship matters, not to give the other parent a break.

I’d not be too worried about them being bored. Life is boring at times, they need boredom to learn how to entertain themselves. Life at my house is hardly a barrel of laughs all the time - running a home is hardly exciting, but my kids are here nonetheless. They also see their dad 50% of the time and I’m sure they are bored there at times too, because life can be boring. Kids expecting an adult to engage with them all the time isn’t helpful or healthy.

KickHimInTheCrotch · 03/10/2025 09:32

YABU

They need to go to their dad's. Its nitbup to you to decide they don't go because its a bit inconvenient and they grumble about it.

Yes he needs to make more effort but you should be encouraging them to go

KickHimInTheCrotch · 03/10/2025 09:39

YABU

They need to go to their dad's. Its not up to you to decide they don't go because its a bit inconvenient and they grumble about it.

Yes he needs to make more effort but you should be encouraging them to go

ScholesPanda · 03/10/2025 09:43

Personally I don't think DC of 6 and 9 are in a position to know what's best for them, and I think they should see their DF. A 6 year old could say something is boring, and change their mind 5 minutes later.

You should probably speak to them and check what is making them not want to go, and if you have a reasonable relationship maybe mention to your ex-H. If it's the presence of his gf could she be introduced more gradually so he can spend the time focused on his kids?

I'd go against the grain of MN though and say I don't think you're two separate parents who no longer need to support one another just because you broke up. You chose to have children together, and even if your relationship has ended, you need to work together to parent them as best you can (unless of course he was abusive or something).

That's on him as much as you though.

Original poster

35goingon80 · 03/10/2025 09:47

I just feel like everything is on his terms, he picks them up late every single Sunday and the kids are waiting for him. He said to me I don’t need a time (I do as I’m working) I just to accept that he will pick them up at some point on a Sunday morning. They stay with him usually Sunday and Monday nights.

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Original poster

35goingon80 · 03/10/2025 09:47

I want them to spend more time with him, weekends will be better as he only see’s them for one day the rest they are in school. I may as well take them, he won’t budge though as he has plans weekends.

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CinnamonBuns67 · 03/10/2025 09:50

Yes you send the kids. Being bored or not wanting his partner there isn't a good reason for them not to go. However he does need to stick to a mutually agreed schedule as you should have just as much say as him. Perhaps mediation is a good option to get one agreed?

Original poster

35goingon80 · 03/10/2025 09:51

CinnamonBuns67 · 03/10/2025 09:50

Yes you send the kids. Being bored or not wanting his partner there isn't a good reason for them not to go. However he does need to stick to a mutually agreed schedule as you should have just as much say as him. Perhaps mediation is a good option to get one agreed?

I just think Monday is absolutely pointless and more hassle than it’s worth.

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Tryingatleast · 03/10/2025 09:52

padronpepper · 01/10/2025 09:26

Why should the op have to help navigate them having a relationship with a father who seems at best disinterested in them? Why is he not expected to step up and be a father?

Because she’s predominantly with them and they’re talking to her about it. Plus while he isn’t doing the parenting bit properly, ie school stuff, disinterested is a jump, op said he’s having them a certain day because it suits him, isn’t that what life is? Work/ an appointment/ plans we made makes us do something on a certain day so we have to pick a day that suits better

blackpooolrock · 03/10/2025 10:08

Yes they need to go even if its boring.

You need to speak to him to tell him he needs to do something with the kids and remind him of his responsibilities to them. He is their father and even though he may not live with them that doesn't mean everything falls to you.

JetFlight · 03/10/2025 10:29

35goingon80 · 03/10/2025 09:47

I just feel like everything is on his terms, he picks them up late every single Sunday and the kids are waiting for him. He said to me I don’t need a time (I do as I’m working) I just to accept that he will pick them up at some point on a Sunday morning. They stay with him usually Sunday and Monday nights.

He sounds rubbish. No wonder they’re bored if he’s picking them up late on Sunday. What’s he doing with them? Sunday nights have a ‘get ready for the week’ feel which can feel boring.
I don’t know what’s wrong with many men.
It honestly doesn’t take much to make your kids feel loved, wanted and time spent to be enjoyable.
No one has to do amazing excursions constantly or anything but even playing a game or getting snacks and watching a film with them is fun at that age.

user0345437398 · 03/10/2025 10:48

Why do you have to get things ready for school? If he's taking them to school from his then he needs to do all that.

Jellycatspyjamas · 03/10/2025 10:53

So he gets them Sunday morning, takes them to school Monday, has them Monday night and then drops them at school on Tuesday? That’s not actually much time for him to do homework etc with them so I wouldn’t expect that tbh. They need to spend time with their dad, taking away Monday would give them practically no time with him and makes it more likely contact would reduce to nothing.

Original poster

35goingon80 · 03/10/2025 10:59

Jellycatspyjamas · 03/10/2025 10:53

So he gets them Sunday morning, takes them to school Monday, has them Monday night and then drops them at school on Tuesday? That’s not actually much time for him to do homework etc with them so I wouldn’t expect that tbh. They need to spend time with their dad, taking away Monday would give them practically no time with him and makes it more likely contact would reduce to nothing.

It’s pointless on a Monday because he doesn’t even really see them but he is too busy to do Saturdays…

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JetFlight · 03/10/2025 11:04

35goingon80 · 03/10/2025 10:59

It’s pointless on a Monday because he doesn’t even really see them but he is too busy to do Saturdays…

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It doesn’t have to be pointless.
I presume he picks them up after school around 3.30?
Thats so much time there. All kids need is to feel they’re loved and cared for. If they have his attention for a while and feel cared for then there’s real benefit there.
If he’s just leaving them to watch tv or have screentime while he does whatever, then that’s pointless.