Am I the A-hole he says I am?

[BecauseThatsHowYouGetAnts]

We all had a normal day; I stayed at home with our 1 and 3 year olds. He went to work 8:30-4:30. When he came home I asked if he could cook dinner as I couldn't remember the last time he did. We usually do 50/50 with cooking.
We eat, each put a kid to bed and then I come straight downstairs and make the kids their nursery snacks and lunches and drinks for the next day. All in all with cleaning bottles, a tuppaware and preparing all the food ready for the next day it usually takes me about 30 minutes.
Normally partner would come down and do dishwasher while I do this and if I finish I help with the last bit of clearing up. This time he spent around 35 minutes "having a poo" and he turned his pc on. I was getting annoyed at this. Messaged him half way through to come down and help. Another 10 minutes or so pass before he comes down and at this point im just finished. I knew he was going to want me to carry on doing chores. He asks me to help him do the dishwasher and tidy kitchen. I refuse. Saying I just spent 30 minutes preparing their food for the next day, he chose to spend all that time "having a poo".
Hes now refusing to do anything because im not helping. Calling me selfish and lazy. Because he cooked dinner I should also be helping with dishes. Even though it would usually get done at the same time I do lunches. I've cooked most recent days and usually done dishwasher next day or weve done it together. I also don't refuse or want help with doing lunches just because ive cooked dinner.

So IABU I should also do the dishwasher with him.
IANBU, I already spent 30 minutes doing kids lunches while he did whatever he was doing upstairs. He should now do it himself like he would have normally while I do lunches.

Sorry this is my first AIBU post. Would like to add he was very unkind and called me names and said hurtful things. We are in the process of a long breakup/realising we don't want to be together.

P.p.s This might seem trivial but it ends up causing arguments and making rifts. So small things make big problems. I want to know whos in the right.

You both need to grow up and share the chores it’s not hard to talk about it to your partner

It all sounds pretty immature and petty to be honest.

This. Are you both at work tomorrow as kids both at nursery? Who's doing the nursery run?

he was very unkind and called me names and said hurtful things

That’s the important bit. The rest is all noise. Your partner should not call you names. Why is your breakup being drawn out?

Well if you're at the point of realising you don't want to be together then I'd be surprised if he were cooperative and helpful. Most people going through a break up aren't.

Why the fuck do men spend so much time on the toilet ?

If you are breaking up, I'd just each do your own dinners and cleaning up and share the kid related chores. You obviously are not going to see eye to eye if you already at the splitting stage. Why the long split? Just do it.

It sounds trivial but I have been there where everything builds up and you end up losing it over something small. I would have said you need to talk again when calmer and explain how you feel and try to communicate better but your comment about a long break up suggests there are more underlying issues here and I’m not sure that a decision as to who was right or wrong tonight will change that.

Looking at their phones and avoiding doing other stuff! An excuse basically.

What are you making for your child’s packed lunch that it takes half an hour?

What takes 30 mins to make for lunch?

To be honest, I would be fuming at this too. I'd just say " you do the dishes, I do the lunches. It's what we've always done so what's the problem?" Then if he said "but I made tea" i'd probably have said something snide like " oh wow! Do you want a Blue Peter badge?" 😂

Of course that would just be an outburst because I'd be pissed off that I was doing everything myself. I do that sometimes. Then I get over it until next time...

It's human nature hun. Ignore the people who pretend they never get annoyed at anything.

Tit for tat communication is both immature and will end your relationship. You have a huge communication problem. Mainly him.

I can't imagine not being able to "chose" to have a poo without getting it in the neck. Or spending half an hour putting some snacks in a box.

His life sounds pretty miserable, to be fair.

This is so juvenile and sad. Keeping petty tabs on exactly how long each person spends doing certain tasks. Sometimes he might do more, sometimes you might do more. You’re being ridiculous.

Yeah, its very petty. Most arguments are. They all add up and cause resentment though. But then, sometimes just doing things because you don't want to argue also means people mistreat you, be lazy, because they know you'll just do it. It'll get worse, they expect more and more from you because, if you argue about it its petty, so just do it. Thats why im here. Should I have just done it.

In my experience to get out of chores. DB always has an urgent need for a 30-minute poo when it was time to wash up.

Yes, but tomorrow I would go and have a 30 minute bath and make a very big song and dance about it

If you are breaking up then every little thing is suddenly a big thing.

When you are a happy loving team, either of you being a lazy shit occasionally is not a big deal, you each pull up the slack, know that it will be reciprocated on a later date.

But a break up is different, it magnifies every little issue x1000.

Best advice I can give is to get the break up done and dusted as fast as possible. Its not good for either of you and it really isnt good for the kids to live in the atmosphere. They WILL be picking up on it, no matter how much you think that they are not. They may not understand what is happening or why, but they will feel the anger, sadness and resentment between you.

Our kids are grown and gone, but we still follow the same rule that whoever cooks, th either does dishes.

You've already decided you're breaking up? Get on with it. This kind of petty nastiness will escalate. The sooner you're all out of this unhealthy atmosphere, the better.

In your shoes, just get it done and speed up the separation.
Thing is, if you don’t do it you end up living in a messy chaos. But this sort of pettiness is ugly, and you need to part ways asap.

it all sounds very petty. monitoring his toilet habits, spending 30 mins making a packed lunch. I spend about 5 minutes on this. Were you taking your time to make a point?

You were home all day and couldn’t have done everything so that your evening was free?

He’s been at work all day and came home and cooked and you are nagging him to do more?

You need to organise your day a bit better if you can’t get things done.