Am I the A-hole he says I am?

[BecauseThatsHowYouGetAnts]

We all had a normal day; I stayed at home with our 1 and 3 year olds. He went to work 8:30-4:30. When he came home I asked if he could cook dinner as I couldn't remember the last time he did. We usually do 50/50 with cooking.
We eat, each put a kid to bed and then I come straight downstairs and make the kids their nursery snacks and lunches and drinks for the next day. All in all with cleaning bottles, a tuppaware and preparing all the food ready for the next day it usually takes me about 30 minutes.
Normally partner would come down and do dishwasher while I do this and if I finish I help with the last bit of clearing up. This time he spent around 35 minutes "having a poo" and he turned his pc on. I was getting annoyed at this. Messaged him half way through to come down and help. Another 10 minutes or so pass before he comes down and at this point im just finished. I knew he was going to want me to carry on doing chores. He asks me to help him do the dishwasher and tidy kitchen. I refuse. Saying I just spent 30 minutes preparing their food for the next day, he chose to spend all that time "having a poo".
Hes now refusing to do anything because im not helping. Calling me selfish and lazy. Because he cooked dinner I should also be helping with dishes. Even though it would usually get done at the same time I do lunches. I've cooked most recent days and usually done dishwasher next day or weve done it together. I also don't refuse or want help with doing lunches just because ive cooked dinner.

So IABU I should also do the dishwasher with him.
IANBU, I already spent 30 minutes doing kids lunches while he did whatever he was doing upstairs. He should now do it himself like he would have normally while I do lunches.

Sorry this is my first AIBU post. Would like to add he was very unkind and called me names and said hurtful things. We are in the process of a long breakup/realising we don't want to be together.

P.p.s This might seem trivial but it ends up causing arguments and making rifts. So small things make big problems. I want to know whos in the right.

No one is "in the right", you're both being petty. If he normally does it and you share 50/50, then consider asking him what's wrong that day.
And I would hate being hounded by my husband to do chores on his terms. Surely the dishwasher can wait if he can't be arsed that night.

you are both behaving so childishly it is difficult to work out where to start.

So i would do this, take a calm moment, when you haven't been arguing and decide on the split of "chores" or how both mucking in to run the household is going to look.

TBH i don't think waiting for him to come home then telling/asking him to cook is ideal - although i also don't think it needs any kind of pushback.

If you work full-time it needs to be around 50/50. If you are a SAHM or work part-time you need to do a bit more than he does.

ETA: forgot the important part. NOBODY should be name calling. That needs to stop

You've been at work all day too. When you're both home it should be an equal division of labour. You're not just a domestic servant. I'd say this to him too.

Why would he need an apprentice to wash up with him? Play him at his own game, ask him for support while making the nursery snacks and any other task, he can hold the lunch box.

I ask DH why he needs help for easy tasks, when I manage without him.

He still hasn't learned not to ring 50 times when he is doing the food shop, otherwise he will think twice about asking for assistance.

Wow, buried the lede there with "We're breaking up". What's the point of a "long break up"?

He's a dick; you know that; it's over. Having internet strangers tell you you're in the right won't change anything; he's not going to say, "Oh well, if a bunch of mumsnetters say so I will change my ways forthwith".

Name-calling? It sounds like it's over. So best to just get it over.

Equal division of labour logically means one person cooks and the other cleans afterwards however what I will also say is that you should aim to clean a little as you go when cooking. My DH leaves the kitchen in a real state so I have far more cleaning to do than he does when I have cooked so it’s not equal.

In your case, I think he’s doing the classic tactic men have employed for decades of hiding in the loo (my dad also used to do this and would read his paper) and you’re taking way too long with a lunchbox- it takes like 5 mins absolute max unless you’re making some sort of gourmet meal.

He's a knob who will only do chores if you're on your feet.

What is even the point of him.

It's him, not you.

Neither of you should be relaxing until the jobs are done. Then you can both relax together.

Side note, he’ll get terrible piles sitting on the loo that long. He should see someone if his bowels are bad.

So have you both decided to split up? If so maybe you should just treat each as house ‘mates’ and not have any emotionally based expectations of each other while you have to live under the same roof. Write a list and put it on a wall if you have to. You do your ‘chores’ and he does his and never the twain shall meet. You need to get this split moving for all of yours sake.

What's a long break up? Is he aware of it?

I wouldn't appreciate being told as I walk through the door that I'm to cook dinner if my partner has been home all day, off work. I wouldn't mind so much if I'd had a bit of a heads up.

Timing each others activities is fucking batshit. As is spending 30 minutes making a packed lunch.

We are in the process of a long breakup/realising we don't want to be together.

This is the key detail!

Have you had any practical discussions about splitting up? If it's all going to pot then division of domestic work is going to be weaponised.

I really wouldn't put energy into over analysing this if you are breaking up anyway.

If you break up neither of you should rush into another relationship until you are a bit more mature

This. Just a shame their two kids will suffer for their immaturity.

What are you prepping for next day? Are the dc at nursery and need packed food or could you do it as and when you need it? Yes he should help but are you being a bit of a martyr?

Having a wank, viewing porn or messaging other women

My DH says you have to let the poo come naturally or you can damage your rectum. Wish I had that luxury when I was bringing up babies and toddlers and had to do everything while he was at work, including a quick poo that didn't even last 5 minutes! Bloody men lol

Did you really ask him to cook for the family after a full day at work just because you had cooked more than him recently? Don't you think that sounds petty? Surely you should be trying to establish an amicable, flexible co-parenting relationship for the future
If I were you I would finalise your split sooner rather than later.
Do you both work the same number of hours or days or are you a sahm?
When our kids were young I was a sahm. Our agreement was I did all the basic housework (including most of the cooking) but DH took on at least half the child related chores when he was home. He had so little time at home we decided he should prioritise spending as much time with the children doing normal things (playing, homework, bedtime and bath time) as well as the fun stuff. It worked well for us and he developed a great parental relationship with them all .
When we were both working one cooked, the other did the dishes. We shared bedtimes and next day prep but it was all very fluid. No one kept score.
I think you are totally unreasonable. To be honest I would have called you some choice names too.

The only point here is that you are breaking up - he isn’t going to ‘help’ you is he? Just end the relationship

For those asking why it takes so long; the kids are young and at nursery all day. They both need 2 snacks each and a full packed lunch. At least 3-4 veggies and fruit each that need to be peeled and or cut into bits. Sandwiches made for each plus usually buttered crackers for the older one. Nothing is pre packaged apart from the yogurt. Sometimes tuppaware needs to be washed as its used so regularly and theres not enough at least 6 are needed. Plus a milk bottle ready. Everything needs to be labelled. Water bottles from the day washed and made. All in all yes about 30 minutes.
Just to add I had a free 5-10 minutes after the school run before I started work so I emptied dishwasher and filled it with the smelly dinner stuff from the night before. He did the rest when he got home. After a full day looking after 2 young kids or going to work and cooking we all get tired and grouchy by 9pm when we finish up.
Everyone is right about the pettiness and the need to break. But when my family live 3 hours away, we own a house and 2 kids under 4 its not as easy as people make it seem.

We've also been together since we were 18, and at nearly 33 weve never known anything else. Its big and scary for both of us.

We've also been together since we were 18, and at nearly 33 weve never known anything else. Its big and scary for both of us.

I understand that this is scary.

So instead of sniping and back biting, you need to sit down and say "look, this is happening so we need to figure out how to share the house while we work out how the split is actually going to happen".

Make a plan. You cook opposite nights for example and the ones who doesnt cook makes sure that the dishes are done. You each wash your own clothes but take the kids stuff to be washed at the same time so its a shared load. That sort of thing.

Relationship counselling can be really helpful in navigating an emotionally healthy split for all involved, I would recommend it.

It all sounds very petty and I would have just done it. Especially if he has been at work all day. To be honest I feel sorry for him.

When you have a disproportionate reaction to something the issue is something else

Im not following why if youre splitting up, you're asking him to cook your dinner and doing chores together? Surely you could have dont the lunches and left the dishwasher for him without texting?

You could each do half of what needs doing without bothering the other? Why dont you talk to him about whats actually upsetting you?