Am I the A-hole he says I am?

[BecauseThatsHowYouGetAnts]

We all had a normal day; I stayed at home with our 1 and 3 year olds. He went to work 8:30-4:30. When he came home I asked if he could cook dinner as I couldn't remember the last time he did. We usually do 50/50 with cooking.
We eat, each put a kid to bed and then I come straight downstairs and make the kids their nursery snacks and lunches and drinks for the next day. All in all with cleaning bottles, a tuppaware and preparing all the food ready for the next day it usually takes me about 30 minutes.
Normally partner would come down and do dishwasher while I do this and if I finish I help with the last bit of clearing up. This time he spent around 35 minutes "having a poo" and he turned his pc on. I was getting annoyed at this. Messaged him half way through to come down and help. Another 10 minutes or so pass before he comes down and at this point im just finished. I knew he was going to want me to carry on doing chores. He asks me to help him do the dishwasher and tidy kitchen. I refuse. Saying I just spent 30 minutes preparing their food for the next day, he chose to spend all that time "having a poo".
Hes now refusing to do anything because im not helping. Calling me selfish and lazy. Because he cooked dinner I should also be helping with dishes. Even though it would usually get done at the same time I do lunches. I've cooked most recent days and usually done dishwasher next day or weve done it together. I also don't refuse or want help with doing lunches just because ive cooked dinner.

So IABU I should also do the dishwasher with him.
IANBU, I already spent 30 minutes doing kids lunches while he did whatever he was doing upstairs. He should now do it himself like he would have normally while I do lunches.

Sorry this is my first AIBU post. Would like to add he was very unkind and called me names and said hurtful things. We are in the process of a long breakup/realising we don't want to be together.

P.p.s This might seem trivial but it ends up causing arguments and making rifts. So small things make big problems. I want to know whos in the right.

It’s easy to get caught up in who did what and for how long and when. Especially with little kids when you are both tired. But none of this really matters. (It matters if it’s all the time possibly) but day to day who spent 5 minutes longer washing up-it’s not important. Then dishes get done or they don’t. No one dies either way. If you fixate on this stuff you forget about the real stuff-why you liked him in the first place, what you bring to each other as a couple. And that’s a dangerous place to be relationship wise.
I was like this in my first marriage. I’m not like it in my second. Of course there are times when I feel like I’m doing more. There are times when he does. And naturally tripping over dh’s shoes in the hallway for the millionth time is irritating. But it’s also not that big a deal in the scheme of things. So I’ve learnt not to sweat it really. And we are much happier for it.

Have you thought about marriage counselling to either save this or split "well"?

I'd say to him if defecating takes 35 mins he should go straight to the doctor because he is clearly very ill- if he says he isn't ill clearly it is him that is lazy because he took 2 mins in the toilet and then doom scrolled until the work was done. Tasks should be 50/50- it looks as if he just ignores a lot of the stuff you do and only thinks of it as the cooking/ clearing up split- you need to point out the other things you have to do.

Do you enjoy each other's company at all? Still have things in common? Despite this row it sounds like you try to share the chores and that sometimes, when one or other is tired, it can get a bit lopsided and lead to silly arguments. Which is an absolutely normal thing when your kids are little. If there's more than that to your split, fair enough, but it's not at all clear.

You both seem to live your lives like robots with an automaton regime that gets the job done.No mention of love nor care for each other so I guess that's why you're breaking up.

Have you thought through what living your life alone in charge of a couple of young kids entails? If you think you can take a long, uninterrupted shit whenever your bowels need you to you are living in fantasy land. Do you think you can just text your ex asking him to immediately stop what he's doing from wherever he lives and take the dc because you need a long time to shit? Hahahaha.

Sometimes yes. We spend most days amicably. Enjoying the kids and having fun. We recently had a family holiday and went go karting. He doesnt enjoy my company much though. A couple of years ago he admitted he didnt love me and its gone downhill from there. We tried 8 weeks of counselling at the time. Came out nearly worse off. There was only so much I can take before my love was gone too. So now it's working out how to separate without hating each other. We've always had petty fights so I guess we were doomed from the start. I need to learn to let go of the small stuff and he needs to step up and take more responsibility. Its too late for us but the kids still need us.

Im so confused by this, its making me smile. Are you talking to me or him? I push my bowel movements out so fast it hurts. I don't have the patience or time to sit there for half an hour.

Well, if you're both clear that the love is gone for good, then splitting and co-parenting would be best.

Weaponised shitting. Because they know if they do, whatever it is they were supposed to be doing, especially anything domestic, will most likely have already been done when they emerge.

Are you 12?

This would piss me off too. He's probably just being nasty because things are bad between you generally.
I used to get this kind of petty crap from my ex husband too when we were breaking up. He would argue black is white to get out of doing anything.
Next time I'd say I'll help once I've been to the loo and spend an hour in there and then be "too tired" to do anything.

It doesnt sound like either of you enjoy being together to be honest.

This is absolutely right, however you do not need to sit on the toilet for 30 minutes. You only need to sit there when it's ready to come out. If anything, standing up and moving round doing the dishes would only have helped!

They don't. Hence why they're splitting up, as she literally stated in her post.

I’m confused - were the kids at nursery all day or at home? You say they were at home but then say they’re at nursery all day? Either way, I don’t understand why the prep for the next day wasn’t already done, or if not, why dinner wasn’t underway. Surely if you’re at home these are some of the things you would be doing? (Not saying you should be doing all of them all of the time)

I wonder what excuses he will give me when I tell him this 😂

Taking 35" to poop might indicate he's the one with the ass issues, not OP. That's not the norm.

Maybe he should see a doctor about his constipation. Any other symptoms? Is it time for Husband's First Colonoscopy?

They were at home with me that day, but nursery all day the next as I had work 10-7.
We don't eat until 7pm. He gets home at about 4:45-5 so we were chilling on the sofa talking before dinner was started usually around 6:15.
The only prep I did for lunches that day was boiling the carrots. I suppose I could do some of their lunches in the day depending on what it is, so I don't have to do as much in the evening. Never occurred to me to do that.

You cannot change him, you can only change the way you respond to him. Arguments like this are hurting you, mentally detach , spend an extra fifteen minutes clearing up and hope it helps you split up amicably. Forget the right and wrong debate- you’re only Interested in you being in the ‘right’ anyway . Stop investing in how ‘wrong’ he is , stay polite and detach emotionally

You aren't even washing the dishes. The dishwasher is.

Oh I don't know. There's expecting to take an equal share in the chores and there's micromanaging someone else's time and issuing what are effectively, orders.

I haven't read the whole thread to be fair.