DSS saying he wants to quit sixth form and I don’t know what to do

[StressedOutOctober]

He’s just come in from KFC and said he’s done with sixth form he can’t do it anymore and wants to just work full time I honestly feel sick writing this I knew he was struggling but he’s only just restarted Y12 and it’s only been a few weeks 😭 I don’t know what to do at all I don’t want him wasting his life but he’s adamant it’s too much pressure and he’s tired all the time from working shifts as well

DP just said he needs to man up and get on with it which is easy for him to say he never helps with homework or goes to parents evening I’m the one who does all that I just feel like it’s all on me again and I’m not even his mum officially but I’m the one worrying sick while DP shrugs

AIBU to think he should at least try stick it out for the year and see how he goes or am I just forcing him into something he can’t do I don’t want to be the evil stepmum but I’m panicking he’ll throw everything away before he’s even started

If he’s keen to work I’d look at apprenticeships.

Why A-Levels? Why make him do them again when he already failed the year? Why make him do A-Levels when he only scraped through GCSEs? There are so many more things he could do at college and it doesn't have to be full time.

Has he been offered a full time job at KFC?
Is that where he wants to work full time or has he got an offer for another job?
If he has been offered full time work then I recommend going for it.
A relative of mine did that at 17. Joined the company management training scheme.
He's 24 now and buying a house.

Hmmm.... I wouldn't go straight to work being the problem. Some kids love work and they thrive off it. It instills work ethic and I feel perhaps taking that away won't suddenly mean he engages with yr 12 and study. Does he feel like he can't keep up? Does it make him feel stupid somehow? Is he even engaged with the subjects or doing it 'just because'. My DS did extended Btec at college and was in 3 days per week and worked 3-4 shifts and really enjoyed that balance. Never exceptional results, scraped by really same as yours. He's now at uni doing a practical/more vocational based degree and really enjoying it. The work ethic is what's actually really benefitted him. Staying at school definitely wouldn't have been right for him. Although I must say it worried me a lot at the time! DD is similar. She's doing sixth form but 3x Btecs so same year as your DS. So far so good and not the pressure of A Levels. Really engaged. And she's now working up to 14 hrs per week at the weekend.

If I were you, I'd be working backwards and quickly. You won't be able to just 'talk' him in to staying and actually achieving. Staying and seeing it through for the sake of it - he'll come out with an average pass at absolute best and where will he actually go next with that. If he choice Btecs he enjoyed, or college, or an apprenticeship - he's far more likely to actually do well.

Are there any Btec options at sixth form to look at?
If not - is there a good local college?
Has he explored Find An Apprenticeship?
Do you know what he means by 'just working'?

There's sooooo many options. Don't panic!
Talk to him, find out 'why'. Research options and quickly.

You can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink!

Perhaps swap to BTec, which will get him into university if he changes his mind. He will have choices. B TECH is graded as you go, so much more suited for some. If he doesn't know what he wants to do it can be harder!

We came to an arrangement with school that as long as ds showed up for lessons and did his work well, he didn't have to be there. Ds refused to even contemplate uni but changed his mind abruptly last minute. It's all about giving yourself choices.

It's def too many hours though at KFC. He needs to cut down and check the law.

Just keep chatting to him. Not telling. Listening and chatting. Maybe go to some open days at unis, with courses he might like, mainly so he knows what he is turning his back on. You just say its fine he doesn't want to go, but at least looking round means he makes an informed decision. He can't argue with that:)

Don't agree to him binning off sixth form unless he has an apprenticeship, maybe raf?

I attended college as a mature student and have done evening classes as an adult, if it's not working for him at the moment it doesn't mean the door for education is shut forever. He tried it last year and it didn't go well, its understood that it was the course he chose but what if it isn't? What if it's that at the moment he just isn't capable and going to work full time will be better and he can go back later if he chooses when he's more mature and better at juggling work and education?
I don't know him so I don't know what's best but I don't believe it's a now or never decision and I would insist that if he does drop out then he needs to be working full time and paying board, managing his money properly etc

He's 17, still not an adult, in full time education and living with parents.

When I was that age I was a Boots Saturday girl doing a 7 hour shift a week. That was enough on top of my three A levels and one extra GCSE.

He's absolutely knackering himself - of course he doesn't have the bandwidth to apply himself to studies if he's working shifts. I wonder if breathing in the deep fried atmosphere is entirely healthy?

Unfortunately he's got used to the cash. It's hard to go back.

Time to offer him an allowance for his clothes and going out, to free him up and encourage him to focus on the studies. You can't make him do anything though.

He's seriously lacking in parenting. 20 hours a week and "can't say no" to shifts, while attempting to do A levels? Is anyone looking out for this 17-year-old?

His dad's clearly tapped out and you haven't even tried to address his working hours properly, school needed to be involved before now. Poor lad.

If he's working 20 hours a week he's not really focussed on his studies. If he failed last year he needs to decide if he wants to study this year or not. If he does a maximum of 8 hours outside work. To put it in a different way to succeed he needs to spend 6 hours of study for each of his A level subjects outside of classroom. If he was doing that he wouldn't have all those hours to work at KFC.

This lad is v lucky to have you looking out for him. He’s evidently not getting that from his bio parents and he mightn’t want to hear it at all now but I’d bet in time he appreciates your care. Rather than proposing a solution for him, can you nudge him into considering some questions:

• What job / apprenticeship does he want to be doing at 19/20?
• What career path does he want to be on by 22?
• What salary / lifestyle does he want by 25/30?
• Does a kfc full time salary cover a full household budget, rent/deposit, holidays, etc if he wants to live out (not that moving out is imminent!)?
• Is there a route there to being a manager/progressing, or would there always be people with a-level or degree going in above him?
• Does his college offer Btec or other vocational courses? Could he do an apprenticeship with another retailer (or type of company entirely) which gives him potentially better career progression?

Caveat to say he might just be burned out and missing his friends, especially if he’s now pushed back a year. His college pastoral team (and careers service?) might help with some of these questions and explain his options to change / defer again, etc.

I had the same thing happen to my eldest DS, was working part time as well as 6th form then he decided it wasnt for him and wanted to work. He took on an apprenticeship at McDonald's. Its 2 years later he is now shift manager and completed his apprenticeship with a distinction, and he earns more than me! He is happy, he works hard and has gained qualifications. Don't get me wrong I was upset he dropped out of 6th form but it was his decision and I needed to Support what was best for him

You are being unfair to OP. She isn't his parent but seems to be the only person who is concerned about his future. OP is trying to address his working hours and prevent him from just leaving with no qualifications. Maybe you should put the blame on this boy's mum and dad who seem to have completely washed their hands of their son's education and his future job prospects.

There are more vocational qualifications available that they should look into but it isn't really OP's responsibility to tackle this, particularly as DSS is so reluctant and just wants to quit sixth form.

Let him leave school and do vocational study. Business media and psychology are not going to provide a path to well paid degrees unless he’s very strong academically.

I'm going to go against the majority here. I was forced to attend a VI form I used to say it was a complete waste of two years of my life, but in reality it was worse than that.

I ended up in hospital for a week and in the second year I hardly attended. I became depressed and that lasts until today.

It was a substantial part of the breakdown of my relationship with my parents.

I did eventually go to uni in my 30s.

Is work such a bad idea? He won't be at KFC for ever.

I can relate to your situation OP.
I have a 17 yr old son who

• doesn't like school much
• doesn't do very well at school (failed his last exams)
• has a part time job that he says, at least he gets paid for doing that and it's less stressful than school
• doesn't really know what he wants to do long term
• is bright but hasn't found his passion

I don't know if this is the right response for you, but if my son made a definitive decision and said he was quitting school and going to work instead, I would support him. He's almost an adult and my role in his life going forward is ideally the Grand Vizier (advising in the royal ear from behind the throne). Very good Sire, and might I suggest....

Stopping school and working instead...
(a) doesn't stop him from re-engaging with education later on when he's matured a bit and worked out who he is and what he wants.
(b) gives him a dose of reality - full time minimum wage is no-one's dream life, and especially not a bright 17 yr old who could do more exciting things.

I would support him, stay onside, and hope like hell that he decides to go back and do an apprenticeship or even a degree at some point later on.

KFC needs to go, if they can't give him 8 hours a week, then bin it. Your child is going to benefit long run from having A level's even if he skips further education and goes into work, esp. if his GSCEs weren't great. Employers will look at the latest qualifications and he is giving himself a better future with A levels than without,

Right now he thinks the ££ from KFC is good, so why not just earn but that's because it's essentially pocket money. He's not trying to live off min wages while paying rent, bills, food etc.

I would be looking at apprentiships in this situation. A levels dont sound for him and money seems very motivating.

People keep saying "apprenticeships" but companies like KFC will do their own internal management training schemes.
If he's keen he could do that.
Or he could just be a full time employee who goes to work, does the job, goes home. No everyone wants a "career". Some people just want a job.
If he likes the job then what's the problem with it?

Apologies, OP. I managed to miss that he's your DSS. It shouldn't all fall to you. What a negligent dick his dad is being.

He hasn’t really said what else he’s interested in properly that’s half the problem he just shrugs and says he doesn’t know he’s good with people when he wants to be and he likes messing about with tech and gaming but nothing that’s an obvious career path he does enjoy cooking sometimes which makes me think maybe catering or something practical like that but if I suggest it he just says nah I’m fine at KFC 🙄

As for clothes etc his dad doesn’t really bother buying him stuff he says he’s nearly an adult now so he should pay his own way and earn what he wants which I kind of get but at the same time he’s still only 17 and it feels harsh DP will happily spend money on a new telly or football tickets but then when it comes to DSS he just says well he’s got a job hasn’t he so that’s that so that’s why he works loads of shifts cos he wants the trainers and clothes and I’m the one left feeling bad about it all

DS2 (now 26) is very bright but hated school and got poor results. He did go to college but was hardly ever there - I couldn't control this as he could drive and had his own car. However he did pass his course - kept telling me that he was ahead of everyone else 🙄but when his certificates came he was telling the truth.

Every school holiday from the age of about 12 he used to find himself work in our village - he would look for anyone doing a manual job and he would ask if they needed a runner/gofer. From 14-16 he worked in the holidays for a local tree surgeon clearing up.

After college he had a couple of jobs which amounted to nothing.

He has now been with the same company (manual work) since and has also completed his fire fighter course so as well as working full time is an on-call firefighter.

So moral of the story is he did find his way, I would suggest not putting too much pressure on your DS and maybe sit down with him and go through some options.

You are right: his dad sounds harsh.

I wouldn't force him to stay but I would ask him what his plan is and I would probably say that if he is working then I would expect money towards board and lodgings. I don't think going to university is any guarantee of a good job especially if you aren't studying something more vocational (engineering, medicine etc) anyway so I wouldn't be so worried about that. He is young and could surely find a way back into education/career path with an apprenticeship or something in the future. Maybe he needs some help to figure out what to do - any careers advisors at sixth form?

He sounds like he has an excellent work ethic which is great but perhaps academics are not really for him if he only just scraped through GCSEs and is resitting Y12. So honestly quitting might be the best thing for him but he needs to have a plan to put that work ethic to good use and that isn’t a minimum wage job forever. Management training at KFC? Apprenticeship? Other options?

I’d also make it clear that if he’s done with FT education he needs to start paying board and go through what that would look like. Obviously not right now because he’s only 17 but eventually he’s going to want to move out and what would he need to earn in your area to get a houseshare or 1 bed flat. Is he learning to drive and how much will it cost him to run a car? Have these conversations so he doesn’t quit 6th form thinking he can double his wages at KFC and double his spend on trainers/going out.

Also, you sound like a great stepmum and he’s really lucky to have you.

(edited for typo)