DSS saying he wants to quit sixth form and I don’t know what to do

[StressedOutOctober]

He’s just come in from KFC and said he’s done with sixth form he can’t do it anymore and wants to just work full time I honestly feel sick writing this I knew he was struggling but he’s only just restarted Y12 and it’s only been a few weeks 😭 I don’t know what to do at all I don’t want him wasting his life but he’s adamant it’s too much pressure and he’s tired all the time from working shifts as well

DP just said he needs to man up and get on with it which is easy for him to say he never helps with homework or goes to parents evening I’m the one who does all that I just feel like it’s all on me again and I’m not even his mum officially but I’m the one worrying sick while DP shrugs

AIBU to think he should at least try stick it out for the year and see how he goes or am I just forcing him into something he can’t do I don’t want to be the evil stepmum but I’m panicking he’ll throw everything away before he’s even started

20 hours in KFC
That is shocking
He is probably exhausted

He sounds like someone who might be happier - and therefore do better - on an apprenticeship, where he's working but it also leads to a qualification.

Take him to see the careers advisor at his college - actually go with him, don't leave him alone with it - and ask if they can help.

Listen to him. It takes courage to say that he doesn't want to do it. Did he really want to go back at all? Was he aware of your feelings that he would not be a success if he didn't do A levels so felt like he had to?
. I would look for an apprenticeship with him, talk calmly about what he wants to do. Try and encourage his (deadbeat) dad to get involved. Is his mum on the scene (apologies if you have already explained).
it's his future - A Levels are not the only pathway

He shouldn’t have started A levels in the first place. Having realised that, and restarted year 12 - why on earth is he still signed up for A levels? He’s been set up to fail. Twice.

Unless you can very quickly get him to agree to starting a BTEC, he may as well leave.

You never know, KFC might have apprenticeships or manager trainee positions. And he can always return to study later. Or gain qualifications whilst working.

Could he swap to an apprenticeship?

If he doesn’t have anything definite in mind carry on for now but look at other options.

Sounds like he's not best suited to Alevels. He needs to find a vocational college course. Build up skills while working.

Wow that was quite a twist at the end!

It's hard op but you sound like a wonderful SM, and, like you, I would be encouraging him to find a way to continue. I don't think that's an unreasonable line to push, and don't let them make you feel bad for doing so. Obviously you can't force him, but you can give advice - and I think its wise advice.

ETA you can give the advice ( so you've given him the benefit of what you feel) and as a second part of the conversation support him to look into alternatives if he still feels strongly he doesn't want to continue. At the very least he then can never come back and say you didn't suggest continuing, and sometimes really focusing on the alternatives helps crystallise thought processes.

But talk to him when he's not exhausted.

I suspect this is the real issue op. It's hard to think straight when you are exhausted - and interesting he said this on coming in from work.

I think it would be good if he knew what he wants to do with his life. See what the local college offers, the army? Speak to local firms. Tradesmen ….

Theres so much going on here I don’t know where to start.
your husband (his dad) has massive issues with responsibility. I’d hazard a guess he (your husband) has undiagnosed ADHD. It was the blame comment that led me to think that.
your poor DSS. He is bright but a-levels aren’t for him. He’s exhausted.
can your husband subsidise some of the KFC pay in exchange for cutting down hours? Does he even care enough to do this?

your DSS needs to find the right course for him… maybe a b-téc or a vocational course.

your husband needs to start being responsible. If he does have ADHD then that’s highly unlikely.

what does your husband do and why is he not helping? Is he intimidated by the homework? Or just lazy?

You’re in a difficult position with him being your SS and his dad not being helpful. I say this with kindness but you are catastrophising a bit here. Its not a disaster to leave school early, plenty of people do it and turn out fine. My kids left earlier than that, one did an access course and will start uni next year, the other has gone in to a computing apprenticeship, they are both very happy and have good prospects. Sounds like your SS doesnt really know what he wants but school
is really affecting him negatively.

Is there something more vocational he can do instead?

Perhaps something food related if he works in KFC.

Realistically it doesn't sound like uni is for him so what difference will having A levels make to his job prospects?

I'd say he needs to do further training and have something to move onto but I'd help him to look at the options and see if there's anything better. He's a decent worker. That counts for a lot. He just needs to find something that suits him better.

It's important to do it now while he is still funded. Going back in two years time will be much harder.

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Get him to have a look at this. My son was exactly the same, good work ethic for paid work, but had enough of education. There may be something there that catches his interest. Six years on, my son has travelled the world, got 40k in his LISA, just buying his first house. He's got so much confidence now and really appreciates what the military offers him. Can't hurt to have a look. Of the services, I didn't want him to go into the army as felt that could be too dangerous, and the RAF don't travel as much. But, the navy has been so good for him, he isn't sporty but managed the physical side of basic training okay. You just have to listen, follow instructions and try your best. In my opinion, the Royal Navy could open up so many opportunities for your step son. He sounds like a worker and is concentious, just the sort of person they want.

This. ALevels are not right for him. And 20 hours a week at KFC is far too much. Why is his dad not paying for his clothes?

I'm also surprised 20 Hours is shocking. I did that around a levels as did my sister and i'd say pretty much everyone I knew did at least 12 hours work a week.

Have times moved on so much?

I do worry it’s too late now cos term started nearly a month ago and I feel like if he swaps again he’ll just fall behind all over again 😩 but maybe I’m wrong I don’t know how it works with colleges and funding and stuff

He probably could’ve got better GCSEs if things had been different to be honest when he was living with his mum it was really chaotic constant rows at home and he ended up moving here right in the middle of his exams so he didn’t have the best chance really he is bright I can see that when he puts his mind to something but I think all the disruption just messed it up for him

That’s why I keep saying to him don’t throw away this chance now cos I know he’s got it in him but he just rolls his eyes at me and says I don’t get it I just don’t want him to feel like a failure already at 17

20 hours is way too much on top of a full time education!
He doesn't need that much extra money from a part time job at 17.

Maybe try and steer him towards an apprenticeship or vocational course. Not everyone is academic enough for A-Levels but there are other options to carve out a decent career.

Maybe he does need a break. He’s had a tough time, issues with his Mum, exams, moving, failing a year. It’s all a lot and he may not have the mental energy to study this year.

what about discussing college, looking at BTEC or apprenticeships? He could work this year, on the proviso that next year he will do something more formal towards his future. He could agree to try some short courses/ volunteering/ alternative work this year to get some ideas of what he might like to do and rebuild his confidence in learning.

A levels really are not for everyone.Hes given it a try. Im going against the grain on here but if he's sure, I'd let him leave. Working full time for a few months might help him see that future study could be worthwhile. Once he is 18 you cant make him stay in education.

Does his sixth form college have a careers advisor, or is there a local careers advice higher ed college? Ring and ask them. Kids that age are not good at asking for help and advice and sometimes just don't know where to start.

He really needs some advice. Giving up education is one thing, but have a good plan and some other kind of career in mind where he can develop .. as you say he is quite bright but has just been unlucky with circumstances.

Your DH should "man up" himself and take some responsibility but realistically you'd be better off, given the urgency,helping your DSS yourself and having a good chat with him. I don't think it sounds like anyone else is going to step in and help him... and you sound like a kind person. I don't think either of you will regret it. He will be glad that someone is in his corner.

I did 24 hours as a waitress alongside college at that age. I also did a lot of partying. I wasn't exhausted. A lot of my friends were doing similar and all managed fine.

He either stays at 6th form and massively cuts back on working at KFC (what does he spend his earnings on & do you still give him pocket money).

The alternative is that he finds an apprenticeship to do instead.

A-levels/college does not suit an awful lot of teens. He doesn’t seem to really want to be in that environment.

I agree. Far too much. No wonder he's knackered and over it all. It's admirable that he wants to get out and work a job on top of school work, but it's obviously not working.
I do think you should listen to him about the subject and his unhappiness. He's unlikely to do well if he really dislikes it. What does he actually want to do? What are his interests? My two have found college a much better fit than staying for A-levels, maybe he will be the same? Personally, I left school at 16 and was straight into full time work. I've been very successful and never once regretted it.

This. He needs some guidance.

There may be January start dates for some of the courses.

Vocational is a very different type of learning. He'd be more likely to get work with a catering (or other) qualification than poor a levels even if he scrapes them