MIL / shoes in the house

[Magicboobies]

We were staying at in laws for a few days. All decided to go out on a walk with the kiddies , pram etc. As FIL was locking the front door, a dc realised they forgot something I asked to go back in nipped in to get it without taking my shoes off. I realise after I should have taken my shoes off (all laminate floors and clean enough shoes, not muddy) but I completely didn’t think at the time.
When I came out the house , MIl was hyperventilating. I asked what’s up and was told to “leave it” and FIL told MIL something like “don’t worry it’ll be ok” and she calmed down and we all went for a walk. I didn’t connect that to me going back in. Few days later when we were home I remembered MIL hyperventilating and asked DH what happened and he said it was because I went in the house without taking shoes off. I feel terrible. DH tells me to not bother. Should I just leave it or ring her and apologise?
apolgosie =yabu
Forget it = yanbu

Honestly op I can’t even read all these replies. How about sending a text saying…thank you for a wonderful weekend. The dc love seeing you both and spending time together. You can put some other blah blah about her generosity or great cooking or fabulous pillows but don’t overload it.

then in the future continue to be very cognizant of her no shoes rule and continue to abide by it both you DH and dc. It was a one off. I have a no shows house rule too but people before possessions always.

“taste in women “ yuck. what a misogynistic term

It’s pretty common and hardly misogynist when it’s used equally about men.

Thank god you're not my MIL. If you reacted like this to such an incredibly minor situation, by saying I'm 'less welcomed', I'd just say fuck it then, the grandkids and I won't come round to your house any more if it's going to cause this mental level of drama.

Absolutely batshit insane.

How bizarre

You that is @Toddlertamer1

I imagine the people around you just feel like they are walking on egg shells! 😆

So the MIL starts hyperventilating (although I suspect footage may indicate that this wasn’t quite the case!)

And DIL feels terrible days later about it

I imagine there’s quite a bit of drama in this family. I bet Christmas time is interesting

Why do people keep questioning the hyperventilating? OP described what MIL and those around her were doing and it was clear that she was.

I read it that OP wasv trying to be tactful at the time by not saying anything, but then later thought to ask her DH what it had all been about. And yes, if I'd discovered that I was the reason for someone getting into that state, I'd find that very uncomfortable, too.

We're also a shoes off household. The house is mostly carpet but we have a small tiled porch and the downstairs hallway is wood flooring. Lino in the kitchen next to the back door. I prefer shoes to be kept to the porch but often when guests are over they end up briefly walking into one of those rooms with shoes on. I don't make a big deal of it (unless it's my dad with his big muddy boots) and just give it a wipe when they're gone. Your MIL definitely overreacted but if an apology would help your anxiety over the situation then go for it.

I would casually apologise. If it upset her that much then it clearly bothers her and I’m sure she would appreciate the apology.

Your MIL definitely overreacted
She might not have overeated if MIL has a phobia that can ruin lives with the anxiety it brings with it.
Maybe this is why she reacted like that.
But if OP didn't know this then its not her fault.

MIL sounds insane! Forget it.

You obviously don't know anyone with a genuine phobia and how bad it can affect people. I did.

presumably the Op would have been aware of this “genuine phobia” in the many years before now?

She sounds absolutely bat shit crazy. I would not be giving this irrational behaviour a second thought!

But we dont know that she has a genuine phobia? You have just made that bit up!

Exactly

and if she did, wouldn’t the Op have known about it before now!

Both the OP and her MIL would benefit from some professional support. Maybe they could go to therapy together! Both seem somewhat anxious!

Oh plllease. We always take our shoes off and guests get slippers but I wouldn't get in a state if someone walked in with shoes. @Magicboobies Your Mil has got a serious anxiety problem- not your fault so don't apologise. Tbf she didn't say anything at the time so she must have realised it was ott.

I am anal about my home

but I would be mortified by the thought that I’d made my anxious DIL feel like she had to apologise to me days later for having her shoes on. The idea of made an already anxious person feel “terrible”? Well, I’d be really cross with myself

Do you have a vast selection of slippers for guests in different sizes out of interest @arcticpandas ?

Why are posters bullying the OP when it’s clearly the MIL who is weird and needs to get a grip on her anxiety if she is actually hyperventilating over someone walking into her house with their shoes on.

To add: our policy is shoes off generally but I certainly don’t insist on it for professional visitors and guests. For example we had men delivering heavy furniture the other day wearing boots to protect their feet in case the furniture is dropped.

How extreme.

Only on mumsnet are people hysterical about shoes and apparently routinely troubled by people walking dog shit through the house.

Everytime I see a photo of the royal family at home wearing shoes - there’s a great one of princess anne watching the rugby - I think of the MN crazies ripping off their shoes as they walk into Buckingham Palace because germs.

Everyone in this situation needs to relax.

if OP was genuine unaware then it’s not her fault.

But if you know someone is anxious about this, or keeps their home very clean, it’s very disrespectful to them and their home to wear shoes in (exceptions are if they say it’s ok; you have a disability; or your job means you need to wear shoes)

When I was pregnant, I had to leave the room and cry because ILs wore shoes inside. It felt like they were consistently being disrespectful and adding more housework. I didn’t like wet muddy shoes being trodden on my rugs.

Even after agreeing to remove shoes, they would come to drop items off and continue to wear shoes anyway, knowing I wasn’t there (and thinking I couldn’t see the mud trampled everywhere!)

Even if this MIL was being a bit U, I would definitely apologise in OP’s situation avoid doing it again.

It's the MiL that's in considerably greater need of support than the OP. It's the kind of reaction that my friend with contamination OCD used to have if the routine/ hygiene protocol was broken.

It's not practical pissing around for 5 minutes to unlace/ buckle shoes and put them back on again in order to spend 30s grabbing something (I can't wear slip-on shoes, so all my footwear is faffy to put on and off and my foot proportions give me very little aesthetic choices).

How do people this strict cope with tasks like bringing in multiple or heavy items from the car? Do they actually fart about with putting everything down on the threshold and taking footwear on/ off umpteen times?

From a hygiene point of view, bare sweaty sandal feet are often worse than the actual sandals themselves so it's a daft policy that isn't always logical.

I'd leave it this time and next time send DH back in if something needs grabbing.