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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To live in bigger house but DC will have much longer school commute

55 replies

letsgoforadip · 30/09/2025 05:00

So we have recently come into a modest inheritance.

I think we should use the money to upgrade to a larger size house in our current area, and then send DC to private school further away (45-minute commute). The area where we live is not flash, but I love our community and have good friends here. Primary schools are good. Public secondary schools, however, do not have a good reputation.

DH would rather purchase in alternative area across the other side of the city, where secondary school options are very good. Due to the price difference between areas, we would be unlikely to have a bigger house (which we both would really like), and, over time, I strongly suspect that we would probably lose a lot of existing friendships from our current community, apart from one or two really close ones. Purely due to logistics of being across other side of town.

AIBU?

OP posts:
clipboardz · 30/09/2025 06:04

How many of those existing friendships will last once your dc are in private school? Although a 45min commute isn't unusual

Nina1013 · 30/09/2025 06:06

45 minute private school commute is very common. It’s completely different to state schools where (almost) everyone is very local.

Bimblebombles · 30/09/2025 06:22

Community and friends is priceless

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 30/09/2025 06:23

Bimblebombles · 30/09/2025 06:22

Community and friends is priceless

Absolutely

Digte · 30/09/2025 06:23

What are the ages of the children?
Is there an immediate rush to spend this money or can you ponder things some more?
Moving is a big upheaval, especially when changing schools and losing friends.

Beebumbum · 30/09/2025 06:24

It takes me around 30 minutes to get my eldest to school. I couldn’t imagine adding on any extra time. It’s so easy to think it’s doable but doing it is another thing… unless you wouldn’t be dropping off? If you are, you need to take into consideration the time it takes for you to get back, then all over again in the afternoon.

Beebumbum · 30/09/2025 06:26

@Bimblebombles Agree with this though… OP, are there not any private schools closer to your current area?

GiantTeddyIsTired · 30/09/2025 06:36

We have a 30 minute commute (no public transport alternative), and I won't lie, it's a lot - I wouldn't want more for me (it's over an hour by the time I'm at my desk after dropping them off)

When I was at school, I had a 45 minute commute, and it was tiring but fine.

So I suppose my question is, is the commute 45 mins for the kids, but an hour and a half for a parent? If it's just the kids, then TBH it's on the edge, but probably OK.

When it comes to community, who's friends are they? The kids? Yours? DH's?
Is DH not bothered because the friends are and support are all for you and the kids not him so he doesn't realise what you'd be losing to move?

I ask this because we moved area more than once when I was with ex. I was the one trying to juggle work and kids and relying on a friend group to do so, which I lost with every move - whereas his friends were generally at work/older friends that he saw every few months, so it didn't affect him at all.

susiedaisy1912 · 30/09/2025 06:38

Bimblebombles · 30/09/2025 06:22

Community and friends is priceless

This.

HappyHedgehog247 · 30/09/2025 06:41

It sounds like school choice is a really important criteria here so I would be doing a bit more data gathering on that eg visit the private school and the better secondaries in other areas (assuming you have ruled out all local ones), and do some trial of the commute.

Invisablepanic · 30/09/2025 06:41

Do you mean 45mins for the DC to get themselves to senior school or is that you driving them everyday? What does the transport situation look like for them if you can't drop them?

WorriedMillie · 30/09/2025 06:41

A 45 min commute isn’t unusual, as others have said, many children commute this and longer to DD’s school
Be mindful though, that when they get older and want social lives, you may end up driving them fairly long distances to meet friends, etc

HaagenYAAS · 30/09/2025 06:43

We have a 30 min commute to private school at the moment… we’ve done it for 3 years and this week we are moving because the drive is killing me! Next week we will have a 5 min commute!

jeaux90 · 30/09/2025 06:45

I had that exact scenario for the last 5 years. It was ok but did use some flexi boarding occasionally too. When you say commute are you doing the driving or is there a school coach?

Greentopping · 30/09/2025 06:48

We lived near a good school in a smaller house. It meant dc could come and go easily, come back for free periods when older, wander round to friends' homes. Also lots of time for homework. It made life easier. I don't think mum type friendships last beyond primary very often. Im more in tune with work colleagues now. You make new connections when you move anyway.

AlteFrau · 30/09/2025 06:49

I think you'll lose your friends and community if you go down this route.

You may also lose some friends by being in a position to opt for private education, as even at secondary level friendships can revolve around school communities.

If the secondary schools are basically okay, but not that high achieving, you'd be in a position to buy in extra tuition if required.

I would take more time to consider how the inheritance might be used. You can aways invest it/put in a high interest account for a year.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 30/09/2025 06:52

Bimblebombles · 30/09/2025 06:22

Community and friends is priceless

This.

If we inherited a million I'm not convinced we would move.
We would discuss it (at length) but I couldnt see it actually happening.

45 min commute is v standard for secondary. (Assumes there is a coach service

Cantseetreesforthewood · 30/09/2025 06:54

What are you aiming for in terms of bigger house?
Currently in a 2 bed flat, 3 kids and no garden. Definitely upgrade the size.

Already in a detached house with a bedroom each, but fancy a hottub, a hobby room each, and a swimmingpool? Get a reasonable school commute to a decent school.

BendingSpoons · 30/09/2025 07:03

How old is your DC? Would you send them to private immediately or wait until they are going to secondary? Do most kids from the primary go to the same secondary?

MasterBeth · 30/09/2025 07:12

How much is your modest inheritance if it can fund a house move and private school?

(The only inheritance I've ever got was £150 when my Nan died.)

HarryVanderspeigle · 30/09/2025 07:22

What age are the children? How many lifts do you want to be giving so they can see their friends? Do consider that if it is normal to travel 45 minutes, their friends might be in the opposite direction, so suddenly 1.5 hours to get to see them. Friendships become more and more important as they get older.

Minnie798 · 30/09/2025 07:29

Neither option sounds particularly appealing. Is there not a middle ground? Buy a house in between your current area and private school area.

YourJoyousDenimExpert · 30/09/2025 07:35

How many DC? Will the inheritance cover yearly fee increases at private school? Is this 45 mins by car or public transport? How about if they want to go to clubs? If all this can work, I’d go with your plan as DH’s has more unknowns and adult friendships will be established in a new area.
Having local friends is a big plus in the teenage years in our family’s experience.

stichguru · 30/09/2025 07:42

A question for your thoughts: If you chose the larger house and the private school, where would DCs friends come from? While a 45 minute commute to school isn't impossible, if many child have a 45 minute or more commute from other areas of town/other towns that makes meeting up with school friends after school/weekends a bind! As the kids grow up, it also means going to the park or the shop with mates is off limits because everyone gets their own bus straight after school! A 45 minute commute for 2 children in different directions is a hour and a half commute to each others' houses or local amenities. Something to think about, not the only factor by any means.... good luck!

BCBird · 30/09/2025 08:12

My immediate thought is if u go down the private school route to make sure there is enough for all fees and any extras -unoforms, trips etc. Secondly, whilst you might maintain the sense of community, your child might not if they have a longer commute and usually a longer day in school. Even when there are schools that have decent reputations there will often be disruption to learning in the state sector- less so in the private sector. What does your child want to do?