To have a rule in my relationship: if I don’t want to be touched, that’s the end of the conversation?

[TheLuckyLimeHiker]

It’s not about rejection or lack of affection, it’s about boundaries. Sometimes I just don’t want physical contact and I don’t think I should have to explain or justify it every time.
It’s not that I expect my partner to read my mind, I communicate it clearly but once I’ve said “not right now”, I don’t want to be guilted, questioned or made to comfort him about it.

AIBU to think that “no” or “not right now” should be accepted without emotional fallout?

100%

Is 'touched' a euphemism for sex? I can't tell if you're talking about a pat on the hand or penetration. You're not being unreasonable in either case but I'd be a bit upset if my other half frequently turned down a hand squeeze.

Of course it should be accepted. No means no - end of story

Agree. Nothing worse than being pawed at hopefully. Cringe.

Not a euphemism, I meant any physical contact. It could be a hand squeeze, a cuddle or more intimate touch. I think context matters of course but sometimes I just want my body to be mine without negotiation, and I think that should be okay. It’s not about pushing someone away emotionally, just having space respected without guilt or pressure.

@TheLuckyLimeHiker as long as you are happy the other way around too, and can find someone who works on the same basis, then absolutely fine. I suspect you are limiting your available pool though as most people might want to hold hands etc.

Then again, relationships are all about finding the right fit, and at least you know what you do / do not want.

Whilst I don't think you're wrong, my heart would break if I went to hold my partners hand or have a quick hug and I was told not right now or no. Personally I couldn't live like that. Whilst of course everyones boundaries should be respected, I think as part of that you should recognise that yours are quite extreme and likely to be hard for many partners to accept.

Depends. If I touched my husband’s hand to give it a squeeze or lent over to give him a cuddle, it’s fine if he doesn’t want to he touched, but I’d expect more than a ‘no’ or ‘not right now’. That would be hurtful and blunt. I’d expect a dash more explanation, and I’d afford the same to him.

It concerns me that you would need a rule like that. It is something that should go without saying and you should be able to take for granted.

I agree OP. Sometimes I can't stand to be touched. Unfortunately it's not always that simple and what seems like an obvious thing to you might be interpreted as a very personal rejection. That's what these things need to be talked about. Also I think its important you (or I) accept a quid pro quo, it may not be about touching it could be not wanting to talk or hear about your day or be in the same room when in a particular head space. It feels different when you are on the receiving end of it.

Op - I’m not a tactile person at all so I’m completely with you. I don’t want to be touched all the time and no one should have to justify that.

Im always clear about that when I meet someone so anyone not being comfortable with that wouldn’t be for me.

You shouldn't have to explain every time and he should always listen to and respect a 'no'.

But if you're regularly saying no to even slightly physical contact like a handhold or a shoulder squeeze then I think he's ok to ask about that and it's probably essential for your relationship to discuss both of your feelings about this. It may be something to discuss with a counsellor or within couples therapy.

Does your partner like to touch you constantly? How do they know when they can? Genuine question.

I'm not a tactile person, but DP is more so. He doesn't paw at me, thank goodness.

So, he has to stand back in case his hand accidentally touches yours when reaching for the same thing, retreat from the doorway so you can get in first without coming into contact with his side, perch on the far side of the bed in case he (or you) moves during sleep?

There's only one relationship where I experienced that - my mother - and the penalty for transgression was some actual physical contact; her fist, my head.

Sounds like you are just not compatible.

You have a right to any boundary that you want to set, but you do need to let everyone know in advance, because this is outside the realm of normal human interaction.

He’s generally pretty respectful, I wouldn’t describe it as constant touching or pawing at all. But like a lot of people, he shows love through physical contact, so it’s been important to communicate where I’m at. It’s not about never being touched, it’s about being able to say “not right now” without guilt, negotiation or feeling like I have to soothe him for expressing a boundary. I just think that should be standard.

That’s quite an extreme leap from what I said. I’m not talking about needing people to “perch on the far side of the bed” or avoid casual contact like brushing past each other. I’m talking about situations where I clearly say “I don’t want to be touched right now” and that being heard without guilt trips or pushback. It’s about autonomy and consent in an ongoing relationship, not total avoidance of physical closeness or affection.

This sounds too much like hard work for you both. “ soothe him for possessing a boundary” I’d pick a cuddle every time

I agree op that NO means NO, but no contact at all for how long.

I had a partner that was like this no hand holding at all indoors or out no hugging or snuggling on the sofa just kept saying i need my space.
It was all on his terms.
We started out as a normal couple and it just crept in.
No hugging in bed i was always told to stay on my side and to respect this.
After a nearly 2 year of it i told him to fuck off one morning id already packed his things, i didnt love him i didnt want him around as thats how he made me feel.
He tried to make up for it said he would make an effort, but i told him there was nothing between us he done this i felt nothing for him and he wondered why.

Im not saying this is what will happen but i know how it feels to be pushed away even just sitting to close was to much for him.

I don't see the issue but then I'm autistic and can't bear physical contact most of the time and my husband of many years has always been aware of that.
If after 17 years I suddenly sprung it on him I'm sure he'd vacillate between wondering what he'd done wrong and wondering what was wrong with me. So it depends how long you've been together and if it's a new change.

I have AuDHD. Hate being touched at the best of times. DP is learning. Slowly. 8+ years of training. There are times that I do not want to be touched so completely get your drift. My body. My rules.

Yabu
The poor bloke

" 8 years of training "
I'd have left you

.