To have a rule in my relationship: if I don’t want to be touched, that’s the end of the conversation?

[TheLuckyLimeHiker]

It’s not about rejection or lack of affection, it’s about boundaries. Sometimes I just don’t want physical contact and I don’t think I should have to explain or justify it every time.
It’s not that I expect my partner to read my mind, I communicate it clearly but once I’ve said “not right now”, I don’t want to be guilted, questioned or made to comfort him about it.

AIBU to think that “no” or “not right now” should be accepted without emotional fallout?

Yeah, this. I get not wanting sexual touching and being able to say no, but to also say no to the cuddle, or hand touch does feel cold, like rejection at a very basic level. I’d be hurt if my partner did that to me and I wouldn’t want to hurt my partner by stopping him from just basic comforting contact. He would be upset.

It’s of course your right to not allow it, but to me this is relationship damaging.

I wouldn't be happy with that rule. For me introducing a "no discussion" rule for any context wouldn't go down well.

Training we dont go around training adult men do we no wonder some women get a bad name.
Sorry i understand that you have audhd but thats not a reason to control or train people.

Me as well.

Sexual touching is one thing but if I was shrugged off when I ruffle his hair or give him a hug or touch his arm in passing then I'd be gutted.

I'm 99.9% with you on this and obviously in every single circumstance where you don't (whatever the reason) want physical contact that should be respected.

However, I do think in an intimate relationship where two people might express affection in different ways or have different needs in order to feel loved and secure I do think there also needs to be space for open and honest conversation around this. Not in a coercive or guilt inducing way, but in a genuine expression of hopes and needs or explaining how one person's boundaries might impact on the other. I think that's also a key part of a healthy relationship dynamic in order to reach a place of mutual understanding and be able to move a relationship forward.

I think if my partner said this to me regularly in response to a handhold or a cuddle, I'd be pretty upset as I'm a tactile person. I do remember feeling a bit 'touched out' when the children were small and had been clambering on me and wanting to be held all day - DH was understanding if I said I was just going to lay down and read my book for a bit, that I needed a bit of time to myself. But I do think if your partner is tactile and expresses his love physically, it could lead to friction and ultimately him deciding that you're just not compatible.

If my partner regularly told me not to take his arm or squeeze his hand I’d want to talk about what was going on though.

YANBU but I can definitely see how the other person would struggle with it. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where the other person might at any moment, be made uncomfortable by me touching their shoulder, for example. I would feel I was on eggshells.

Also, how often is it? For me, if it was an afternoon every few weeks, I could probably see past it. But if it's every other day, I would personally really struggle.

As others have said, it depends how often. I have days where I’m ‘touched out’ and overwhelmed, usually if the kids are ill/clingy and I’m stressed where I might not want to be touched for a bit but it passes when I calm down. My partner completely respects that but I think it would be a strain on our relationship if it was all the time.
In general I don’t like hugs etc but that doesn’t apply to my partner/kids.

Yes, you do always have the right to say no. But I would find it very upsetting, especially if it was more than once in a blue moon, and would not want to be in a relationship like that.

OP, you haven’t said why you sometimes feel this way, or how often, so this might not be as relevant.

i am generally quite a tactile person, but I do sometimes become overstimulated and in those moments I just need to have some space. I talked about this with my DH upfront and explained and we agreed I would say something like, “sorry but I’m feeling really touched out right now, I’ll come and check in with you when I’m feeling better”

that way he knows it’s temporary, nothing he’s done wrong, and that I’ll really value and enjoy that physical contact when I’m feeling better.

would you be able to have a conversation like this with your DH (at a time when you are okay with being touched!)?

DH and I aren’t very tactile people. We don’t hold hands or touch each other for no reason, that would be tickly and annoying. We comfort each other with words or by actions eg doing kind stuff for each other eg making a drink or fetching a a blanket etc. We do hug from time to time, but ask first. We don’t paw each other as a precursor to sex, that would be creepy and weird.

We don’t paw each other as a precursor to sex, that would be creepy and weird.

So how do you do it?

This is fine since you're both on the same page and it sounds like you've compatible needs/ ways to show affection. But this could become an issue where there's a difference in the needs of both parties.

What about a quick peck on the cheek when saying goodbye in the morning? Is that off limits?

While body autonomy is understandable, how often do you say this and how long does each instance last for? Do you signal to your husband when it is ok for you to be touched? Are there specific instances that trigger such a reaction from you? While it might be tiring to explain your reasoning every time, from your husband's perspective, unless there are set situations when this happens it can be quite confusing and a sign of rejection. I personally would find these rules suffocating. How does he feel when you say it?

I don’t know, the way I “hear” it in the post would be detrimental to the relationship. It feels like a barked instruction rather than looking for connection through communicating your need for stillness.

Are you confusing “having to justify myself” with him checking whether the whole relationship has gone south.
How is it actually working out ?

100%. No means no and your personal space and bodily autonomy are an absolute boundary. I can respect that someone may see this as important part of a relationship and if this causes issues then yes that needs addressing as to your compatibility perhaps but that’s separate from the issue of whether it is okay to force your touch or physical contact onto someone. Of course it isn’t okay.

Of course you should have your boundaries respected.

However, I think that needing to have "rules" in a relationship isn't a sign of a healthy relationship.

Is he often invasive of your space?

I really want to guess now

You could not be less unreasonable.

i HATED this with ex-DP.

It’s low-level misogyny at best and downright abusive at worst.

If someone doesn’t want their body touched, that’s that. Sulking about it makes you a dick. 😠

Yes totally. But I do think you need to have a conversation about it rather than assuming someone will understand to do that.
From my perspective I can sometimes be a bit jumpy and not accept physical affection at first but will warm up to it with persistence. Some people are like that and may assume others are too if not directly told otherwise. So I think it's a good idea to just spell it out.
Also you'll weed out the terrible men who'd get angry about a boundary being set, immediately, by spelling it straight out. Rather than having to wait for them to try and push it.

I mean sure, set any boundary you like.

But if he’s not on the same page as you, I wouldn’t expect the relationship to last very long.

Reality is that if he isn’t getting his needs met in this relationship (and I’m not talking about sex, I’m talking about human touch/contact and intimacy), he’ll likely look elsewhere. Not that that should stop you asserting your boundary. But I think that’s the reality.

I am a fairly tactile person. If my husband started rejecting my touch like that, no matter how nice he was about it, it would absolutely feel like a rejection. I’d be questioning things for sure.

Bit much 😕 if I try to take ny husbands hand and he recoils from me, you’re damn right I’m going to ask him why.