To not send my son money for food?

[pleasecomebacksummer]

My 14 year old came home from school today telling me he wants to go meet his friends (this is very rare). I say fine, what about tea? (He spent his £40 per month pocket money mostly on sweets so has no money to buy food). He asked if I can sent him money. I say no, either eat now or take food with you. He says no, I need to leave now and he’s not taking a bag. I say, well your choice don’t ask me to send you money

1 hour later he texts for money for food. Literally 20 texts begging. I say no and offer to pick him up early as he claims he’s starving. He says no, don’t do that

I stand my ground and don’t send him any money.

for back ground, I always offer him to ran extra money by doing jobs but he never wants to.

am I being unreasonable to not send him money? I think that if I bail him out all the time when I make it clear that I won’t, what message am I sending him?

I think you need to understand adhd better. It is far more nuanced than ‘always seeking dopamine’. I think you exacerbated this by trying to have control in a situation that didn’t warrant the control.

The kinder thing to do would be to allow him to do the fun thing with his friends which all his friends were doing, presumably not all with adhd

then have conversations about impulse control etc at some other appropriate time.

he was not seeking anything out of the ordinary on this occasion

by your logic, people with adhd shouldn’t do extreme sports or watch action movies or treat themselves in the shops, have sex, or masturbate or any of the other things most people enjoy regardless of their neurotype.

you have pathologised this situation because of his diagnosis.
learn everything you possibly can to enable him to have a happy and fulfilling life despite the challenges of his diagnosis

Ah - only my youngest does - and the eldest still does the short messages!

Also - I’ve just thought- a friend of mine who is in her 20s also does it - she’s not from the UK and is trying to help me learn her language and when she does the short messages I get really confused 😂😂

Ah come on, the poor kid is sitting there twiddling his thumbs whilst his peers who he rarely hangs out are eating McDonald's or whatever. Just give him the few quid and be glad he has a group to hang out with instead of leaving him sitting there awkward.

Definitely. Mine doesn't have ADHD but it takes at least 6 or 7 messages until you can work out what he's talking about.

Unlike the vast majority of posters I don't think the OP was mean at all. If he was really hungry, he'd have eaten before he went out, or grabbed something and eaten it on the way. I think his Mum has taught him a very valuable lesson, he now knows that spending all his money on sweets and rubbish and not saving any of it, means he won't be able to go out to eat with his mates, if it's all been spent. Hopefully in future, he'll put some money aside, so as not to get into this sort of situation again, and I think the chances are, that one of his mates will have taken pity on him and bought him a bag of chips or something, so I doubt VERY much whether he actually went without.

From the responses of everyone who has accused the OP of being mean, all I can say, is it's no wonder we have a nation of spoilt teenagers!

I don't YABU because it was your choice to make, and it's a valid one. Particularly if he has opportunities to get more pocket money and refuses. And he had a chance to grab food before he left.

However, it's the end of the month, it was unplanned and it was a rare occurrence. I would have given him an advance on next month allowance.

Tbh I was a bit on the fence til I heard he had ADHD.

That said, I was surprised at the resounding YABU about not giving a teenager extra money to eat out when compared to the YABU the Mum of a 5 yo got for questioning the fact he wasn’t allowed to eat his banana snack at school! Are we more sympathetic to teenagers than 5 yos now? The 5 yo seemingly had only pushed back when another child pushed him too.

No, I personally felt sorry for the 5 year old but I wouldn't have complained as it would feel a bit OTT I think. Peer assimilation and tribal stuff at teen age is really important and having food out is a part of that, it's more important than the food IMO, whereas the snack for a five year old was just about the food.

That said, my DC weren't really bothered about snacks so they wouldn't have missed it or cared, they would have cared about being kept in at break. I am quite surprised about that at 5.

I think the majority of posters were reacting to the boy begging over the course of 20 text messages.
This is before we knew he has ADHD and OP explained this won’t be a one off, and she’s trying to find ways to help him manage his money better.

It’s actually not the end of the month as my pay day is the 15th so he gets his pocket money in the Friday so he has 2/4 weeks.

I would have sent the food money, as time socialising with friends is important.

Nor would I have necessarily expected it to come out of his pocket money.