To not send my son money for food?

[pleasecomebacksummer]

My 14 year old came home from school today telling me he wants to go meet his friends (this is very rare). I say fine, what about tea? (He spent his £40 per month pocket money mostly on sweets so has no money to buy food). He asked if I can sent him money. I say no, either eat now or take food with you. He says no, I need to leave now and he’s not taking a bag. I say, well your choice don’t ask me to send you money

1 hour later he texts for money for food. Literally 20 texts begging. I say no and offer to pick him up early as he claims he’s starving. He says no, don’t do that

I stand my ground and don’t send him any money.

for back ground, I always offer him to ran extra money by doing jobs but he never wants to.

am I being unreasonable to not send him money? I think that if I bail him out all the time when I make it clear that I won’t, what message am I sending him?

It's not about the food FFS. It's about the socialisation and feeling like part of the group.

Yabvu, poor kid, especially as he doesn’t go out much and has adhd and if you claim DLA for him which you haven’t mentioned you are even more unreasonable for only giving him £40 a month. If my child sent me 20 messages begging for money honestly I would have sent it after one message, poor boy must have felt so left out and embarrassed and I agree with another poster his adhd would have exacerbated those feelings. I hope you reflect on this OP as I imagine due to his adhd this experience will make him not want to go out so quick again, many won’t understand but if you have adhd or have a child with adhd you know how things can impact the children more

I would give him his pocket money weekly to allow him to budget better. Then when things like this come up, he still has the opportunity.

That made me well up 😭

Your DH sounds lovely! 🥰

That's a lovely gesture what a nice husband you have.

So what happened in the end OP? Did he

a) sit and watch his friends eat with no food himself
b) come home
c) get brought food by one of his friends who felt sorry for him and who has parents who give him money?

YABU, if he rarely goes out with his friends it was probably extremely embarrassing for him to turn up with no money to buy food. I would have taken it out of next months pocket money and give him the option to earn it back by doing a chore

What a lovely husband you have. Keep him close ❤️

Its a lesson for him to learn. Budget your money properly so you will have enough to last the month. Don't spaff it all on sweets

Aw, I feel sad for him. If you couldn't afford to send him anything, then fair enough, but just refusing to try and prove a point is mean, IMO.

You sound a lovely mummy and the flowers are because your kindness has never been forgotten. ❤️

Pretty sure fast food gives a lot of people a dopamine hit,ADHD or not.

If he rarely goes out with friends,how on earth could he have been expected to plan for it?

I think that was really tight unless you genuinely couldn't afford it. Agree with PPs,time and a place for teaching moments and in on a rare trip out is not one of them IMO.

Your husband sounds like a keeper!

I’ve got mixed feelings on this to be honest.

On the one hand he should at 14 be capable of budgeting his pocket money, to some extent, and so it would be fair to then say “when its gone its gone” and refuse. But as you mention he has ADHD, £40 monthly pocket money, you recognise there is a dopamine hit issue here, I think you’re setting him up to fail a bit by giving it monthly. I have a friend with ADHD, we’re in our twenties and even still now she has parental help controlling her finances despite her working full time in a professional role- she simply cannot manage her own finances independently. So at 14 I’d be focusing more on helping him than punishing him whether that be sending it weekly rather than monthly, or you “keep it” and then release for things he wants etc.

No I don’t get DLA for him.
in respect of his pocket money, it’s divided in to pots to help him to budget but he still spends it all.
the messages, he always bombards, whether it be about this or something else so normal behaviour and probably not a reflection of anything specific to this situation.
i did send him some money after the first few posts realising that I am being unreasonable. I think the whole frustration I have with him with money day in day out has taken over and clouded my judgement here. We have the same thing with money allll the time whether it be with friends, on holidays whether me and him go out etc.
He wouldn’t plan an outing in advance. It’s always last minute whenever he does go out

Is there a history of always bailing him out?
If not then I think YABU to not send him a fiver for a burger.
Don't you want to encourage and support him going out with his friends?
Is his allowance monthly? If so, I presume it's right at the end of the month and so it's not odd for him to have spent it.

When my son has used his allowance and desperately needs! a fiver or tenner I take it from the following months allowance. There's a line obviously, but it doesn't sound like your son is really pushing his luck.

Few teenagers take a packed tea out with them when meeting their mates.

If he's struggling to budget and he spends the different pots of money how about not giving him money that isn't for frivolous spending. For example give him £5 a week for sweets or other trivial things then keep his other money for him until he has saved up enough for whatever thing he is saving for or until he has a trip out like today and you can give him some money from his savings.

Yes I agree he needs to learn to budget his money but add in the ADHD and the teenage friends and it isn't that easy.

Just read your update. I'm glad you sent him some money.

My niece has ADHD and the intensity of the texts and things having to be NOW really tests my sister.

Of course not but people with adhd are lacking dopamine so are constantly seeking a dopamine hit, much more than those without adhd.

I wouldn't call paying for him to have dinner with friends as 'bailing him out'! What's wrong with you people? Why the hell did you have children if you begrudge them a cheap meal with their mates?

Mines the same with the messages! He won’t send me one message of a paragraph. He’ll send me dozens of messages all just one sentence! And if I’m at work and can’t respond immediately I’ll get multiple messages just saying “mum” or “?”
Does my head in but he’s not going to change.
He’s the same with money too, if he’s got it he blows it. So he doesn’t get pocket money as such (he’s 18)we just give him money if he’s got plans with friends.
He’s looking for a job at the moment but he doesn’t want a “robot” job he wants an exciting career but he’s mentioned 5 different careers over the last 24 hours 😂
Kids with ADHD hey, never a dull moment.

I think those short messages is just young people, not just those with ADHD.
its annoying though as you don’t know when they’ve finished what they want to say

But if it isn’t this it’s something else. It’s not as if it’s just a one off hence my frustration.
ive sent him the money now and will be re-jiggling how we do pocket money.

Maybe.. Both of my sons have ADHD so I don’t have any experience of any other teens texts. I have to have my phone on silent, as all the pinging gets on my wick. Only problem then is I miss some of his texts and get dozens of missed call. 😂😂