To not send my son money for food?

[pleasecomebacksummer]

My 14 year old came home from school today telling me he wants to go meet his friends (this is very rare). I say fine, what about tea? (He spent his £40 per month pocket money mostly on sweets so has no money to buy food). He asked if I can sent him money. I say no, either eat now or take food with you. He says no, I need to leave now and he’s not taking a bag. I say, well your choice don’t ask me to send you money

1 hour later he texts for money for food. Literally 20 texts begging. I say no and offer to pick him up early as he claims he’s starving. He says no, don’t do that

I stand my ground and don’t send him any money.

for back ground, I always offer him to ran extra money by doing jobs but he never wants to.

am I being unreasonable to not send him money? I think that if I bail him out all the time when I make it clear that I won’t, what message am I sending him?

This thread has really upset me. I feel so sad for this kid 😟

Yes, that's how I think but my DD is lucky as they will all buy each other something if someone is short, not just food!

biying Food out rather than eating at home is always his go to. He has adhd and this is a dopamine hit for him. Even if he wasn’t hungry he would still have ranted to buy food

Exactly what I thought....poor kid.

My ds is a teen and doesn't often socialise but messaged me once as he had an impromptu McDonald's trip with some other students asking if I'd send him money for a meal... wouldn't occur to me to say no. I'd hate the idea of him not being able to join in.

How unkind of you. I feel sorry for your ds, not everything has to be a teaching moment. If he knew for a week he was going then I would understand you trying to teach him about budgeting. It sounds like it was a spur of the moment thing and he was texting/ begging you to help him out as he had none of his own money left. As other posters said, he could have earned it back or or you could have taken it from next month. What you did was mean and probably very embarrassing for your ds. There are times we need to reflect as parents on where we go wrong - today is that day for you Op.

I’d love my kids to see their friends more, part of their going out with friends always seems to involve going for food together whether it be a supermarket or maccy d. Let them just be themselves and part of the group with their friends doing the same thing.
youd be funding food in some form if he’s at home whether already bought or not, its no different in the scheme of things but helps build the sense of community and socialising with their peers.
i would never make my kids work for food.
i would however encourage jobs for shopping but still give a bit of spending money.
it doesn’t take much to be nice but it has a huge impact being the odd one out.

Do you have teenage boys? 😆 Perhaps you do, but they don't sound typical if so.

You should have given him the money op, sorry but he's a teenager, let him have fun with his friends, don't make him feel awkward about it, he might be discouraged to do it again, especially if his friends make fun of him for having no money.

YANBU, he needs to learn some lessons about money.

God how sad… poor lad 😢

I have adhd as do my kids, so it would have felt even more heightened for him to be the odd one out, very anxiety provoking, hence the twenty text messages, have a heart

Yes, I agree but I think it may be a bit of guilt on my part as my DD is a similar age and we have her £20 at weekend with friends for some food and general mooch around but her friend ended up buying her some art supplies she needed for school. I am obviously going to pay back but maybe her parents are thinking the same about us!

I get that, my DS has ADHD too. He’s a bugger for takeaways etc but also hates feeling left out. If his mates are eating out then I make sure he can too. 😊

Gave not "have".

What’s wrong with a little dopamine hit anyway? There’s a time and a place to support appropriate regulation and this is not it.
do you deny yourself the dopamine raising experience of fun times with your friends?

He’s only young! This thread is awful, some people are just dreadful to their children. OP should be ashamed of herself.

I should add DD didn't contact us once about this though!

It’s not weird. Poor kid just wanted to fit in with his friends.

I remember once being in mcd’s and watching 4 boys eat and another little boy in their company watching them eat and it broke my heart in two. I am a deep thinker and it made we wonder could his parents not afford to give him a few pounds. My heart was actually melting I asked husband can we buy him something and my husband shouted at me and said I was out of my head. He looked hungry and it made me so sad. So I would never send a child out with no money.

I was on the fence until you said this, he has ADHD, impulsivity is text book, you need to support him to not blow his £40 on sweets. On this occasion you could've negotiated an extra job for him to do for the extra cash and then give through a monthly budget with him for next months pocket money, or give it to him weekly.

I'd never let my dc go out without money for food. Ever !
How sad for him £40 isn't a lot at all my 10yo has that a month.
That's just over £1 a day ffs.

You expect him to sit there with food he's taken whislt all his friends eat out? Way to go to make him feel excluded

Oh no, I agree and probably would have felt like you.

If he had ADHD I think you’re setting him up to fail by giving him his £40 in one go rather than weekly.

My ADHD child would also find that hard to regulate (he’s a bit younger but still).

I've paid for my dcs friends before . When ds said their friend has no money. I've done it secretly gave ds extra and he said to his mate ' my treat' they're now adults and great feiends- his friend knows now that I knew and occasionally turns up with a bunch of flowers for me . He always says how he felt left out and those little things mattered

My DH once gave a kid a fiver when he heard him say in McDonald's oh I've left my wallet at home not very convincingly to his friend. The kid wasn't very well kept compared to his friends, clothing too small, worn out etc, DH took a fiver from his pocket and went up to the kid and said excuse me you just dropped this, the kid tried to say no he hadn't and DH just gave him a look and handed him the fiver. He then ran after his mates and ordered some food. DH is a bit of a softie and works in youth criminal justice and mental health so is probably a bit sensitive to it