Two adults cornered and scolded my 7yo

[Rosie5832]

At a classmate’s birthday party, my child was cornered by the parents of another classmate. They accused him of bullying their son and told him to stop it. He said he wasn’t doing that and they kept on shouting at him that he was.
After this, he was very upset and was crying inconsolably.
Another parent - the mum of the birthday child - went to his assistance and messaged me telling me to return to the party as my son needed me, and that she couldn’t settle him at all (I had left for an hour). While she was messaging me, these two parents came over to her and told her my son was a bully - he was right there and still crying. She told them to back off. When I arrived, they rushed straight over to me and told me that my son was bullying their son etc. No acknowledgment from them that they had cornered him alone and shouted at him. It was only later at home that he told me what had happened, I called the other mum and she confirmed it, describing the way they approached me as an ‘ambush’. She said the whole party turned into a ‘sh*tshow’ because of the way these parents were behaving, and all the other parents - and probably some of the kids - could see what had happened.
I’m in shock over this. I’m meeting with the school teacher today to alert her to this incident and to make sure my son is kept safe in school.
I want to say something to these parents about their behaviour. Imo they were completely out of line, and all the other mums I’ve spoken to since agree that you never confront a child alone like that, regardless of what issue you have with them.
On the way in to school this morning, my son stopped dead just before the door and said, “why didn’t you stay at the party?”. He was clearly thinking about the whole incident and probably concerned that he would encounter these parents at the school.
Has anyone any experience of this kind of behaviour from other parents?

Mumsnet is very strange about ‘bullying’ in general. They seem to completely miss that at some point most kids will be bullied and will also do something that could be construed as bullying. It’s just bad behaviour, no more or less in children. But it’s all about protecting their own perfect DC against the evil bullies. No shades of grey.

And quite clearly what happened at the party was bullying and regardless of what the OP’s child has or hasn’t done two wrongs don’t make a right (and they are adults 🤦🏻‍♀️). But 🤷🏻‍♀️

The child might or might not be a bully. These two grown adults are definitely bullies. They need to be dealt with and shouldn't be allowed on school premises until it is dealt with.

People are idiots, Usually the people on these threads are just ignored in real life for the knobs that they are but unfortunately Mum‘s net gives them a voice

Alternative perspective:
Your child is a bully and they called him out. He then ruined the party because he couldn't take it. He sounds like a spoilt brat. You need to be talking to him about what his behaviour that led to the confrontation.

So you are happy to bully a child. Nice. With that attitude your child is more likely to be a bully, learned behaviour.

Would it occur to you that the normal thing to do is approach the school who can deal with the bullying, if it's true, and inform the parents.

When my daughter was seven she was bullied by twin sister “frenemies” . They were playing out the eating disorder their anorexic/orthorexic mother was grooming them into.

I handled it all “correctly” and the school must have handled it great because the Mum started avoiding me a few weeks later. I never mentioned it to the kids.

I know they were only 7 ffs, but the I definitely had the internal impulse to cause them as much upset as they were causing in my house. I had the impulse to publicly mock and shame the mother that she had recruited her whole family into an ED cult, and was now trying to recruit mine.

Knowing my own experience I would have a lot of sympathy for parents who don’t handle it the “right” way..

As for those consoling themselves about “batshit parents who turned out to be bullies themselves”. I have no doubt that woman consoled herself I was a big heifer who was using the school to cause her and her children psychological terror. But it wasn’t actually the case, and the parents of bullies are uniformly delusional about what their child does, and the impact on other people.
I’ve seen a couple complain that children bullied their child by running away from him. The kids ran away (were told to run away by their own parents) because he was a violent little shit at 8, and was a sexually violent little kid at 12. They rejected this until the second or third time the police were at the door.

Ugh. The parents sound batshit crazy. Not only did they upset your DC they ruined another DCs party. If they have an issue with bullying at school they talk to the school. I would speak to the school about the situation.

Yup! That is one of the main reasons that it is bullshit.

Sexual abuse is only an ACE if there is over 5 years difference between the child and the perpetrator - what bullshit is that?

Kids who have experienced war, famine, bullying, racism, poverty, FGM etc have 0 ACEs.

Johnny whose parents were not married but separated has 0 ACEs but Marcus whose parents were married and separated has 1 ACE while Matilda who was raped by her brother has 0 ACEs (as he was only 2 years older) and David who is from Ukraine who saw people murdered also has 0 ACEs.

Thankfully most authorities have removed them although quietly so they are not announcing to schools etc that they have been removed or why they removed them so many still use it within their jobs.

wow, was not expecting all those replies. Thank you especially to all who have shared their similar experiences, as parents and as children. I’m sorry you / your child had to go through this - i can’t imagine how humiliating and traumatic it is to be blamed for something you didn’t do.
It’s being educational for me reading these responses to see that any other grown ups would behave as those parents did, or would consider it justifiable. Clearly i live in a bubble of families who are appalled at this. The parents of the birthday children (it was actually a joint bday party with only classmates invited) and some other parents witnessed those people humiliating my son by telling a parent he was a bully. The other parents will be making their own minds up about the behaviour of these people, but I think it’s safe to say their attempt at publicly shaming my son backfired on them.
Someone here asked why I didn’t challenge those people’s behaviour when I got to the party. The reason - they confronted me before I knew what had happened. It was only at home I learned my son had been cornered and shouted at by two adults, and humiliated in front of his classmates and their parents while alone.
I was shocked to hear their son told them my son was bullying him. I took it very seriously and was very keen to know what had happened. I asked my son about the single example of bullying the parents had shared. my son had said “you’re dead” in the context of a football game in the playground. His meaning was “you’re not going to win” - it’s fairly common gamer parlance as far as I know. The other boy told his parents he thought my son was going to kill him. Sounds to me like a single misunderstanding, not bullying, but I admit I’m biased and will always believe my son over someone else’s child.
I had a meeting with the teacher yesterday and understandably, she can’t comment or get involved with an incident outside of school. That’s fair. Re the accusations of bullying in school, she confirmed no compliant have been made against my son. She observed (albeit only since the start of Sept) that the two boys get on fine, no tension or issues, and that they are in different friendship circles and don’t have much contact outside. She checked with P1 and P2 teachers and there was absolutely no history between the two boys. She assured me that she and the assistants would be keeping an eye on any interactions between them.
I did not assume my son was innocent here, in fact I left the party with him on Sunday ashamed that another child was so upset that he told his parents he was bullied by him. But I’m not convinced there is any bullying going on here.

Glad you're back to quash the more batshit accusations against you and your son on this thread, and also quietly pleased that what I rather thought had been going on turned out to be what had been going on.

I hope your son will be able to get over these adult bullies and their behaviour.

So this seems to confirm that the parents in question are totally unhinged. Stay away from them, advise your son to stay away from them and do not give them the opportunity to come near your son again. If they confront you again then tell them that your son and school's recollections don't match their's and to take it up with school if they feel the need but to otherwise stay the hell away from you both. It's sad as the parents are the ones who'll isolate these other boys in the end but that's not your issue. Your job is to safeguard your child.

It is good to hear that it was a misunderstanding over one single event. I reiterate even if he had been bullying another child the adults behaviour was totally inappropriate and unacceptable. I haven't RTFT and am sorry if others have similarly had inappropriate reactions to you too.

I would say, however, as a parent very much involved in school and grassroots football, that "you're dead" is simply not common gamer parlance at all and it is therefore easy to see how the matter escalated. Please do relay this to your son so that he doesn't use such language going forward. But hopefully the matter has been put to bed.

I'm glad you are getting to the bottom of it @Rosie5832

A death threat - even a transient threat such as a threat made in anger during a playground game of football - would still be typically dealt with under a threat assessment protocol, and would be treated seriously, especially if the receiver of the threat felt fearful and intimidated as a result. It could be categorised as verbal abuse and thus would fall under unacceptable behaviour under the anti-bullying policy.

It is a shame that the parents didn't take their concerns to the school where the threat took place, and focus their immediate energies on consoling and reassuring their child, rather than charging off and accosting a child. They've made a mess of things and owe you an apology.

I would hope that the school will be speaking with the parents about the school's anti-bullying policy and the procedure for handling reports of bullying. You may also reinforce to your son what is appropriate and inappropriate language, and that threats of harm are never acceptable.

YABU but only because you didn't grab the parents by the throat and smash their fucking heads into the nearest wall

@FrauPaige To clarify, my son didn’t make a threat. I told the teacher about it yesterday and she didn’t flag “you’re dead” as abusive language. She said it sounded like a misunderstanding. I will be led by the school’s policy on this, and have requested a copy of it. But based on my own routine workplace training on bullying and harassment, I don’t believe a single - potentially innocent - comment comes close to actual bullying.

@xILikeJamx I’m content that they’ve done enough damage to their own reputations as parents in front of their peers without me having to say or do a thing 🔁

I promise you, this will all be forgotten about by everybody but you by Monday

I wouldn't tackle it with the other kids parents, they are clearly not rational.

I would however apologise for the situation (which was not of your making) to the parents hosting the party and thank them for looking after your son.

I know you have already done this but I would do it again because I would also tell them that whilst you felt the way the other parents handled it was totally inappropriate, that you took seriously the complaint that your son was an alleged bully and investigated it with the school. Tell them what you found and how you have dealt with it. Show them you are reasonable and acted appropriately. It will quickly get round the party attendees parents how reasonable you are and this will highlight how inappropriate the other parents were.

However I do have a concern that the school say the incident at the party was not of their concern. Your son was bullied by parents of a fellow classmate who alleged that during a school football match your son had bullied their son. This presumably happened at an event organised by the school and therefore the school should talk to the parents about the correct way to go about handling these matters as it was school related.

@FrauPaige honestly, ‘you’re dead’ is pretty tame. No one would think it’s a death treat. Even a 7yo.
I mean you can also use that same expression to mean exhausted too.

Don’t you think it’s important to teach children about context to understand what’s been said instead?

If the school parents are the same than the ones at my dcs school, it won’t.
They might not shunt p. But forgotten? I doubt so

Ok

@Rosie5832 I would be incredibly surprised if the school put impact before intent when assessing this. Your son saying "You're dead" to this boy may not be viewed as a substantive threat in that it would be recognised that he didn't mean it; it would likely be assessed to have been a transient threat in that it was said in the heat of the moment or in poor taste. But the impact of your son saying that was that a child thought they were going to be harmed - and was disturbed by this, and possibly fearful of attending school or the party with your son.

As the teacher said, the parents of the other boy have not reported the threat, so no assessment has been made. If they were to report the incident, I would expect a formal process under the behaviour policy to be entered into, and a sanction applied to your son, as verbal abuse or threats - even in a single incident - are unacceptable for a safe school environment.

The sanction would likely be minor - a chat with the teacher about appropriate language and a requirement to make an apology. But it would be addressed.

(Just figured out how to reply to a post here - phew!) thank you @PrettyPickle
I’m hoping the school will explain the proper way if / when these people make contact. In any case, they won’t be near my son again. The mum who consoled my son at the party - her daughter has the same childminder as my son, and the kids are good friends. She was appalled at the behaviour of the grown ups, and doesn’t hold my son responsible in the slightest. It was her daughter who found my son alone and distraught at the party.
The childminder has been instructed not to let those people near my son at the school gate - she is flabbergasted at what happened. She’s minded him since he was 3, and she told me in her 20+ years she’s had some bullies in her care but my son is not one of them.

Also, just to clarify, it was a man and woman who cornered my son, not two women as some posters seemed to infer.

This is where the concept of impact over intent comes into play. One 7 year old may have shrugged it off. Another may hear that and go home crying, be unable to sleep all night, and refuse to go to the birthday party the next day for fear being killed.

We can walk and chew gum at the same time, no? We absolutely must prepare our children for adversity and continually bolster their social skills. At the same time, we can also expand and reinforce their understanding of language that is appropriate and inappropriate.

It wouldn’t be classed as bullying at any school I’ve worked in, but it would be taken very seriously. It is a threatening phrase and as such would generally lead to an internal exclusion in my current school.
‘How would you respond if your child came home upset and told you another child has said ‘you’re dead’ to him? Would you dismiss it and invalidate his feelings?
The parents who accosted your child are very much in the wrong, but by threatening another child - even if he claims he didn’t mean it that way - your child was also in the wrong.