Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that estrangement doesn’t automatically mean I’m broken or doomed in life?

57 replies

EstrangedNotBroken · 29/09/2025 11:19

I’m 31 and estranged from my family. It wasn’t a decision I made lightly, it came after years of hurt and it’s something I’ve processed deeply, including with professional help.

A friend recently said this to me: “You are never going to live a fulfilling life when you hate a parent. You’re just not unfortunately. I wish it was different because there are some parents that are unloveable. But the reality is we can’t be whole without the two people that birthed us… try and create some connection if you can, even if it’s at arm’s length. Do it for you. Because all that anxiety, depression, coping mechanisms - they come from not feeling loved by the people who birthed you.”

She also added that women in my situation usually end up with narcissistic exes or have “broken” love lives and said she hopes I’m able to set the same boundaries with men in my life as I do with my father. 😬

It rubbed me the wrong way. I get that some people believe reconnection is healing but isn’t it incredibly reductive to assume that every estranged person is emotionally damaged or incapable of healthy relationships?

AIBU to think you can live a fulfilling, emotionally rich, peaceful life, even if you’re estranged from family?

OP posts:
TheShadowOfTheWizard · 29/09/2025 11:22

Your friend is a bit of a dick, should keep opinions to themselves really.

GarlicBreadStan · 29/09/2025 11:23

Of course you can live a fulfilled, happy life while being estranged from family. In some circumstances, that's the ONLY way to have a fulfilled, happy life. YANBU

LeavesTrees · 29/09/2025 11:24

Your friend sounds like she should be cut off too. She sounds a cow. Nothing she said was helpful or constructive or supportive, she just cut you down and made you feel doomed for life.

I think you carry wounds that are hard to heal (I’m NC), but I think it is possible to rebuild a life and make connections, you just end up more selective, which is probably a good thing!

km21 · 29/09/2025 11:25

Absolutely you can. Someone close to me suffered huge mental health issues due to toxic parents. They cut ties some years ago and are now living their best life having realised they are not the worthless loser they were constantly told they were.

Supporterofwomensrights · 29/09/2025 11:26

I suspect the estrangement will always hurt a little, even if you're just mourning the people they are not.

But I also predict that you'll live an unfulfilling life with friends like that!

MauriceTheMussel · 29/09/2025 11:29

Your friend is a mega twat.

She might have a point about how carrying hate isn’t helpful, and I would agree that cool indifference towards your estranged parents is better for you. BUT that doesn’t mean you have to have any relationship with them whatsoever, just that active hatred just harms oneself rather than the other party.

Mistyglade · 29/09/2025 11:32

If I had continued to try pursuing a relationship with the people who birthed me I’d have committed suicide years ago. Your friend is an ignorant dick and I’ve held my tongue there.

DontGoJasonWaterfalls · 29/09/2025 11:43

Your friend is a dick.

I'm the same age as you and I live a fulfilling, rich, whole life because I'm estranged from my family. I'm slowly unlearning all of the behaviours I had to adopt for survival, slowly losing the self-sabotaging mindset and starting to really trust people - including my lovely DH. His parents are more parents to me than mine ever were.

they come from not feeling loved by the people who birthed you.

Even if that was true, the fault lies with the people who make you feel unloved, not with you - and it's not something you have control over! Narcissistic and abusive families love this attitude because it makes you chase them; it makes you constantly keep working to make yourself "worthy" of their love (something that will never happen because part of their abuse is withholding anything that looks like love).

Pay her zero mind. I'm proud of you just from reading your post - it's huge and it's painful, but it's so worthwhile. You've made your peace and wellbeing a priority - you've been the person you needed when you were younger.

Finteq · 29/09/2025 11:45

She sounds a bit cuckoo.

Also I don't think she's a friend

Cynic17 · 29/09/2025 11:47

Your friend is 100% wrong.

ThatBlueTiger · 29/09/2025 11:48

Finteq · 29/09/2025 11:45

She sounds a bit cuckoo.

Also I don't think she's a friend

I was going to say this. OP, your friend is not mentally well.

Hubblebubble · 29/09/2025 11:49

Absolute nonsense. If a parent is abusive and/or unable to love, there's nothing you can do about it. Estrangement can keep you safe emotionally and physically.

Tryingatleast · 29/09/2025 11:49

Unless you were both drunk and you asked her in detail her opinion on this I agree it was a bit of a weird take on it all!

ohyesido · 29/09/2025 11:50

That’s very self righteous of them. They are entitled to their opinion but they should not present opinion as fact

Swiftie1878 · 29/09/2025 11:50

Whoever said that to you is a dick.
File it away as extra information you have about them. They are not kind.

QforCucumber · 29/09/2025 11:51

your friend is obviously one of those people who says 'oh but shes your mum' and 'you only get one'

which only ever comes from people who actually had a decent relationship with their parents have have never experienced the need to cut one off.

it is absolute bollocks and if she doesnt have the self awareness to see that not everyone's parental relationship is like that then she actually needs to go away herself.

TotallyUnapologeticOmnivore · 29/09/2025 11:54

Your friend is talking nonsense. Stepping away from the bad people in your life is the key to a better life.

3beesinmybonnet · 29/09/2025 12:00

Is it possible that you've replaced your awful family with an awful friend, because dumping them left a gap in your life of being badly treated which your subconscious is trying to fill, because in the past it was your 'normal'? This was just a thought that struck me as I read your post, so please feel free to ignore it.

I'm NC with my abusive brother, and if a friend tried to convince me I should rekindle the relationship I'd be reconsidering the friendship. Sounds to me like she's trying to sound superior at your expense, which is despicable in the circumstances.

winnieanddaisy · 29/09/2025 12:01

I think that your friend is talking out of her bum . She totally lacks empathy and thinks she is a psychologist. I’d ignore her opinions in future x .

StinkyCheeseMoose · 29/09/2025 12:11

I don't think people who were fortunate enough to grow up in normal, loving families, realise how toxic some parents can be. They are not in a good position to understand and advise you.

My mother emotionally and psychology abused me to the extent that I was well into adulthood before I realised that she wasn't a normal mother.

My husband and I moved 500 miles away from her 15 years ago and have had no contact with her since. My only regret is that I didn't cut her off sooner.

She has made a few attempts to reconcile by "lovebombing" with kind words and promises and I admit a yearning for a normal mother made it hard to resist. Then, I remembered how manipulative she is and that if I give in, we'll be back to square one in no time. I also have a young daughter to consider. She was a toddler when my mother last saw her, but she had already started her toxic manipulations around her.

Your friend is completely wrong. You are more likely to end up with a narcissistic man if you stay in contact with your toxic family.

My sister (who is still in contact with our mother) has been married to a covert narcissist for over 25 years. Her whole life is spent in a state of low-level anxiety, walking on eggshells around him, constantly trying to please him in the hoping he might occasionally do or say something kind. He occasionally does, just enough to keep her compliant and let her think he is a good husband. The rest of the time he punishes her with moods and the silent treatment. He doesn't like her seeing friends and as a consequence she has very few.

This is exactly the same manipulation strategy our mother used on us.

My sister thinks because he doesn't physically abuse her that he is not abusive. He was her first boyfriend and went straight from living with mother to living with him. She has never experienced a kind and loving family dynamic, so she thinks hers is normal.

Good luck OP. Protect yourself and your children from them. Cutting yourself off from family, even toxic family is not easy, but it's worth the freedom and peace of mind.

Original poster
EstrangedNotBroken · 29/09/2025 12:12

3beesinmybonnet · 29/09/2025 12:00

Is it possible that you've replaced your awful family with an awful friend, because dumping them left a gap in your life of being badly treated which your subconscious is trying to fill, because in the past it was your 'normal'? This was just a thought that struck me as I read your post, so please feel free to ignore it.

I'm NC with my abusive brother, and if a friend tried to convince me I should rekindle the relationship I'd be reconsidering the friendship. Sounds to me like she's trying to sound superior at your expense, which is despicable in the circumstances.

It did hit a nerve when she said it and I think part of me was trying to work out why it felt so off. I don’t think it’s about recreating anything or filling a gap though. Some things are just wrong on their own terms, no deep subconscious motive needed.

OP posts:
VoltaireMittyDream · 29/09/2025 12:14

What a load of toss. I’d estrange myself from this negging twat of a friend if I were you.

Or at the very least teach her you know a thing by or two about boundaries by asking her what exactly she hoped to achieve by sharing this opinion with you. One would almost think she takes pleasure in making you feel shit about your life and your prospects. And why would a friend do that?

I was estranged from my severely mentally ill father. I didn’t even go see him when he was dying. I’m also estranged from his sister, who’s unstable and very controlling.

I have plenty of close longstanding friendships, and a 20-year marriage. Life got immeasurably simpler and happier for me once I stopped letting people (beginning with my relatives) shit into my mind all the time.

And when people are very disturbed, often the only boundary that works is estrangement.

EarthaKittsVoice · 29/09/2025 12:17

I agree with you.

However, I was told by several poster's on here, that it's a red flag. Nobody really wants to be involved with people like you or I as it's a red flag to be estranged from one's parents.

Somewhere subconsciously it puts people off.

Looking forward to reading another's thread on this, so thanks for posting.

HaveItOffTilICough · 29/09/2025 12:20

Your “friend” is spouting utter drivel. This inane pop psychology sounds like it was posted on Instagram by a wannabe influencer who thinks the online counselling course she did during lockdown makes her an expert. Probably alongside a ClipArt picture of a broken heart.

I'd become estranged from her too.

CatHairEveryWhereNow · 29/09/2025 12:22

I wonder if she has her own family issues.

I do that as I heard similar bullshit while we were in thick of childcare and dealing with some very demanding family members respecting some basic boundaries - turns out my friend had very similar issues but wasn't really up for dealing with them to determinet of her marriage and mental health - she them emigrated to Australia to get away from them in end. We didn't have to go that far and got to better place in our relationships.

I don't think you're doomed - many people manage to move on but I image you like all of us have unconcious patterns from childhood and being away of that might help miss some future pitfalls in rlatonship but if you've had professional help that's probably been addresses somewhat.