To think that estrangement doesn’t automatically mean I’m broken or doomed in life?

[EstrangedNotBroken]

I’m 31 and estranged from my family. It wasn’t a decision I made lightly, it came after years of hurt and it’s something I’ve processed deeply, including with professional help.

A friend recently said this to me: “You are never going to live a fulfilling life when you hate a parent. You’re just not unfortunately. I wish it was different because there are some parents that are unloveable. But the reality is we can’t be whole without the two people that birthed us… try and create some connection if you can, even if it’s at arm’s length. Do it for you. Because all that anxiety, depression, coping mechanisms - they come from not feeling loved by the people who birthed you.”

She also added that women in my situation usually end up with narcissistic exes or have “broken” love lives and said she hopes I’m able to set the same boundaries with men in my life as I do with my father. 😬

It rubbed me the wrong way. I get that some people believe reconnection is healing but isn’t it incredibly reductive to assume that every estranged person is emotionally damaged or incapable of healthy relationships?

AIBU to think you can live a fulfilling, emotionally rich, peaceful life, even if you’re estranged from family?

Your friend needs cutting off next, she is talking out of her arse. Anybody who knows you have been hurt by someone be it a parent or a sibling and actually thinks you should allow yourself be treated with that disrespect has no respect for you themselves.

I actually stopped being broken when I went NC with my father

Hi OP. Your friends statement sounds very definitive and life is not so black and white as that. I am NC with my dad and while I wish things were different I have had therapy about it and have come to terms with the situation. I am much happier now. Yes it's always going to be a sore point for me, but I refuse to believe that the only way I can be healed is to reconcile. I haven't reconciled with my dad because he doesn't understand what exactly the root cause of our problems are and refuses to discuss it.

I can't change how he thinks and feels, I can only change how I respond. Your friend sounds unsupportive and judgemental, I wouldn't set any store in what she has to say on this. Has she experienced estrangement?

Agree.
my friend went nc at 50 , many years ago , after ti trying to live up to her mums impossible standard
She’s the happiest , together person I know.
she’s got shed loads of friends and many hobbies, is well travelled and helps out with 2 worthy charities
She’s amazing.
I would add, she did have therapy at one point ….. she just wanted to know why her mum , had well, behaved the way she had, with her.
In the end she let it all go, accepted it had happened and is living her best life
The mum?
She was still scratching her head, not knowing what she’d done wrong.
(big eye roll here).

I think she’s got close to the point and then run right away from it!

Yes, those of us estranged from a parent or wider family often (not always) have depression, anxiety, struggles in relationships. But that’s not because we are estranged, it’s because of whatever happened before the estrangement. I became a much happier person when I stopped talking to my father.

Your friend is talking bullshit - if you havd bedn brought up by a shitty oarent though it diesnt pay make you more susceptible to attracting shitty types of people

And this.

Exactly - life isn’t black and white and healing doesn’t look the same for everyone. I’ve done a lot of emotional work around my family situation, so it felt frustrating to have all of that dismissed so confidently.

Of course she’s hasn’t experienced estrangement herself, which is probably why her take felt so harsh. It came across as theory, not lived reality. And it’s always those people isn’t it, with the most judge and jury things to say.

I’m really glad you’ve found peace with your decision, even if it still stings sometimes. That balance between grief and growth is something I relate to deeply.

I am no contact with my identical twin sister, and have delt with a lot of emotional blackmail from my parents over the years. It was an extremely hard decision as I can see how hurt my parents are, but ultimately they are thinking of the impact on themselves and not the reasons why I am no contact (of which they are fully aware).

It has been extremely hard but I have had years of low level abuse and I feel like after the initial period of grief ( over 3 years) I am actually feeling more emotionally settled and resilient. Whilst it feels like being asked to cut off an arm vs a leg, I am currently genuinely better off at the moment without my abusive sister in my life.

It is completely up to you, and no one else, whether you choose to go no contact. Most people will not understand or agree but it is not their decision or judgement to make.

Don't let people make you feel bad for their own theoretical take on what they would do. The best approach I've found is to just calmly reiterate that this is the very choice for you, and change the subject.

GET RID OF YOUR PSYCHOTIC FRIEND

I'm estranged from my family. Having a tough time with it all lately but tour mate can get to fuck

Twat

So I can see both sides to this and I do agree a bit.

I’m going to assume you’re British - the average Brit does have family in the UK who they have loving relationships with. Even if they’re not super close, they generally will have family events like weddings, birthdays etc to attend which will make their lives richer and give them things to keep them occupied. And they will likely have more support with things like childcare and finances.

To most people, your fraught relationship with your family will be seen as unusual and that might put people off you. Not in a horrible way, but ultimately you’re going to be relying 100% on colleagues, friends and partner to meet your social needs, when for other people family will be much higher on the priority list. So you might want to socialise with someone, when they are focusing on their family first and therefore won’t always be there for you nor would they necessarily want to be. Unfortunately you might only make surface level connections with others, when they have rich connections of their own. Loads of people have daily calls with their parents for example and seek their advice/support regularly.

Having said that, your estrangement doesn’t have to impact your life negatively, but you are going to need to overcompensate elsewhere. I personally cut my family off as a teenager due to domestic violence. It meant I had no choice but to become a high earner in my 20s. When my friends could live without bills with family etc, I had like £2k+ monthly bills to contend with. I have always worked full time including whilst at university, and I started earning like £40k when I was 26 - frankly it was only at that salary that I didn’t feel like life was a massive financial struggle. But I still needed to earn more to buy a house.

Equally you may very well find friends/partners who have their own issues with family and don’t judge you for it. But I think the vast majority of people, are close to their parents. I generally think it’s a societal expectation for women to be family-driven too and close to their parents. But ultimately by the time you settle down and have kids yourself, the focus will be on your own immediate family unit.

Not everyone is born into a good family . Sometimes self preservation kicks in and you have to sever toxic relationships.

When I still had my family in my life I jumped from abusive relationship to abusive relationship.

Getting rid of them has made me truly see the toxic behaviour I allowed.

I don't even hate my Mother, I simply nothing her, no hatred, no love, no feelings at all. It doesn't occupy my mind at all, only occasionally in passing.

Since I cut her and my siblings out I've built a good life and finally have a healthy relationship with good boundries.

Your friend is speaking shit.

I would be cutting the friend off, because she isn’t one

Your friend is embodying the saying 'opinions are like assholes' IMO.

I hope she's just being well-meaning but (incredibly) cack-handed. If it's a pattern of behaviour, I'd be tempted to distance myself.

If she's a good friend, I'd be tempted to tell her straight that she can't understand it because she hasn't been through it; that it's something you've thought long and hard about and would prefer not to discuss further. If she can't respect that, then distance.

@EstrangedNotBroken in my opinion, both personal and professional, it’s not the estrangement itself that causes the issues. It’s what led to the estrangement that’s damaging. Childhood trauma x

I think your friend probably doesn't see the pain difficult parents can cause.

Im a therapist and do agree that estrangement does cause hurt and a wound that often re opens, but sometimes it's better than the alternative. Sometimes I think people underplay how hard being no contact is at times. Even when it's the right decision it can suck, and it should be okay for people to talk about that without the assumption it's because they made the wrong choice.

Id (clumsily) compare it to something like a surgery removing your gallbladder or similar.

Its causes a scar, that re opens at times, that does mean pain and discomfort reoccurs at times and that does take a lot of healing from. You have to adapt your life and expectations around it which can be difficult (especially when watching others not having the same issues and at the start)

There are times that having no gallbladder is more difficult than having a (healthy) gallbladder. People with healthy gallbladders would probably live a good life with it and should absolutely keep it. People with a rumbling issue might chose to keep it because the impact of removal is worse than keeping but may need to weigh it up carefully

However if you live with real gallbladder issues, you are living with pain anyhow. Keeping it is not a neutral act and Your quality of life is vastly improved. The discomfort after is well worth it. Sometimes you have no discomfort

Of course the preferably option is no surgery and no pain either way, but some people dont have that option. They dont have the option of a healthy gallbladder they have either no gallbladder or an excruciatingly painful one.

I know for me, absolutely my life would be better if I had a great relationship with my relative who I felt truly valued me but that's not on the cards. Whilst there are significant events etc where I miss them, I mostly miss the idea of having that positive role. Im not actually missing the hurtful individual, and to keep going back to them expecting them is actually far more hurtful and keeps an open wound. For example Id rather not invite them, then invite them and them not turn up or turn up and be hurtful.

I've healed perfectly well around that hole. Sometimes we'll meaning friends just assume that we can just talk it out, but they have sane parents, where's I've realised the beauty of knowing I can't control it.

carrying hate/rejection/hurt etc will impact you but removing negative people from your life will ultimately help you be happier

Loads of famous people have been through estrangement and started fresh. It’s totally possible to have a fulfilling life without family ties. Jennifer Aniston had a complicated, often toxic relationship with her mum and was estranged for years. She went on to have an amazing career and a rich personal life. Rihanna and Adele are other great examples. Both have had difficult family situations but have thrived because they set their own boundaries. Estrangement doesn’t mean brokenness. It can be the start of real peace and happiness. So basically, if Jen, RiRi, and Adele can survive and thrive without being BFFs with their family, so can you.

Voted unreasonable by accident. You are totally reasonable

Some people are just unable to understand that other people don't feel like they do. They would never cut off family so can't comprehend how someone else could.

Not that you need it, but I'll add my voice to everyone else's:

"Your friend is an ignorant, self righteous cunt."

Your friend is completely wrong, but in my experience lots of people have a problem with really believing that family can be so toxic that no contact with them is truly the best thing, and that attempting to fix the relationship or rebuild a relationship on different terms just prolongs the suffering.

I went NC with one sibling many years ago as I did not want to continue being part of his mindgames, manipulation and abuse and did not wish my DC to have any part of this or see it as acceptable. Other than one very close friend, and my DH, who backed my completely everyone I mentioned this to acted as though I must be lying/exaggerating/overreacting and tried to persuade me to sit down with him and talk it through (demonstrating that they had no idea what he was like). Members of the extended family tried to force meetings (he, of course, was happy to agree and told them he just wanted us to be friends etc). I was told repeatedly that I would regret it if something happened to him and I was never able to rebuild bridges. He did, in fact, die young as a result of his bad life choices and I can confirm I feel no regret at all about my decision. If I had not cut contact with him he would still be dead but I would have had another decade of abuse.

I think lots of people see that most families are not perfect- family members argue, disagree, occasionally do/say hurtful things, are not as thoughtful as they could be etc. But they struggle to comprehend that some family members go way beyond 'not perfect' and so assume people who make the tough decision to cut contact are over-reacting/not willing to try etc. Too many people think that cutting contact with a family member is a decision made suddenly and without full consideration of the consequences whereas actually I think it's almost always done later than it's deserved after years of trying to everything else (trying to talk, arguing, appeasing, keeping quiet, changing yourself etc) to try to fix or avoid the problem. I find people are particularly unwilling to see that cutting contact is the right choice where the rest of the family seem 'normal' but enable the abusive person.

I think this says a lot about your friend’s issues and insecurities and not anything about yours. I’m estranged from my whole family (bare one distant 80 year old auntie who doesn’t talk to any of them either and we write letters to each other).

The damage caused by my family has harmed me. Yes, of course. No parent should ever expose their child and grandchildren knowingly and deliberately to sexual abuse. But the choice to end the relationship has been freeing and healing. The pain I do feel is caused by the harm, and the unwillingness of my family to do anything to heal our relationships and the pain caused, not from the estrangement.

I’m not at all broken. I have a very happy loving 17 year marriage to wonderful Dh, 2 happy well adjusted children (who have been spared the dysfunction I experienced as a child because of my decisions to keep them safe), good mental health, a good career, good support network. My life is leaps and bounds happier since I went NC.

Yes, you will be broken if you don’t do the work to heal the wounds your family gave you. But that shouldn’t be conflated with estrangement. Your friend’s reaction says a lot about their own anxieties about their family relationships though. There is fear and insecurity there that probably comes from their own childhood. It’s a bit like the people who have a lot of opinions about drinking when I tell them I’m a recovering alcoholic and don’t drink. No one has more thoughts on my decision to be alcohol free than the people who are struggling secretly with their own drinking and want to project those insecurities onto someone else.

Don’t worry op. Your friend is talking out of her arse.

I’m NC with my dad, have been for 20 years.

It has been having 2 kids who are shit sleepers that have broken me, not estrangement from a parent!