To think that estrangement doesn’t automatically mean I’m broken or doomed in life?

[EstrangedNotBroken]

I’m 31 and estranged from my family. It wasn’t a decision I made lightly, it came after years of hurt and it’s something I’ve processed deeply, including with professional help.

A friend recently said this to me: “You are never going to live a fulfilling life when you hate a parent. You’re just not unfortunately. I wish it was different because there are some parents that are unloveable. But the reality is we can’t be whole without the two people that birthed us… try and create some connection if you can, even if it’s at arm’s length. Do it for you. Because all that anxiety, depression, coping mechanisms - they come from not feeling loved by the people who birthed you.”

She also added that women in my situation usually end up with narcissistic exes or have “broken” love lives and said she hopes I’m able to set the same boundaries with men in my life as I do with my father. 😬

It rubbed me the wrong way. I get that some people believe reconnection is healing but isn’t it incredibly reductive to assume that every estranged person is emotionally damaged or incapable of healthy relationships?

AIBU to think you can live a fulfilling, emotionally rich, peaceful life, even if you’re estranged from family?

Daft cow. We'll all be without the people who "birthed us" at some point, when they die. Some people never had two parents to start with. And some people just aren't fit to be parents, and their kids are better off with them. Lots of people feel a lot more fulfilled and happy and "whole" after they get out of relationships (of whatever kind) that are bad. Ignore.

Of course she’s hasn’t experienced estrangement herself, which is probably why her take felt so harsh. It came across as theory, not lived reality. And it’s always those people isn’t it, with the most judge and jury things to say.

People who haven't experienced it often simply do not get it.

They're comparing it to being estranged from their slightly annoying family, or even their really really nice family. So some of them simply cannot grasp that it's entirely different because your family is entirely different and your experiences are entirely different.

I had one friend who was very very pushy when my father was dying. She was adamant I'd never forgive myself if I didn't visit him. I ended up having to ask her very bluntly if she recognised the smell of burning skin, and explaining to her that when my father came to mind that's my instant thing. When she thinks of her mum she thinks of baking bread and the smell of that. When she thinks of her dad she thinks of polish. When I think of my father my instant is the smell when he held the iron on my brother.
She still didn't get it but she did finally accept that she wouldn't ever, thankfully, understand it because my situation was different

Of course you can Ignore her.

Absolutely not. I’m estranged from my family. Have been for many years now, and I’m still very happy with my decision, having recently had to see a family member for an hour, it just confirmed even more that I do not want to have to deal with it all anymore. Sometimes it’s the only way you WILL be happy and content!

I’ve been with my partner for 23 years, 2 children and our relationship is fine… we’ve had a very fulfilling, good life so far. It was not enhanced by family, quite the opposite, That’s why they got cut off.

YANBU. Especially with family and parent-child issues, people who’ve not experienced such struggles so often project their own situations into others because it’s unimaginable and nonsensical to them to be estranged in the first place. I’ve experienced that a lot as someone who’s adopted and people just can’t fathom the lack of bond I feel and the relationship issues I have with my adopters. For some of us it is the single option for the most fulfilling life we can have. Ok would it be nicer if you did have a fulfilling wholesome lovely relationship with family if you could? Sure, but if my auntie had jewels… so no. Absolutely not being unreasonable.

your friend is an arse
Ignore!

Bullshit. When I chose minimal contact with my dad, my lifelong depression vanished almost overnight. I don't think it was a coincidence. I married a man as unlike my dad as I could find and we've been together over 30 years and have a close relationship with our adult DC.

Of course you can have a good life by turning your back on neglectful parents.

Top tip: always ignore 'advice' from people who haven't been in your situation. I bet your friend hasn't.