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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying maintenance

131 replies

throwaway005 · 28/09/2025 22:10

Just putting it on here to see others thoughts

chatting with some friends earlier about child support and a father being involved with the kids. I kind of think I know how this will go but here goes

So I agree with abortion, many women get pregnant and keeping the baby for a variety of reasons doesn’t suit her. Contraception fails, rape, financial the list is endless and a woman should decide what is right for her and her body. Which is her right but what about the father’s right to choose whether to be a parent or not? I’m not talking about men that have planned pregnancies with a partner or have agreed to be a dad due to an unplanned pregnancy. I’m talking about the men who say right from the start they don’t want to be a dad or be involved in anyway. On the other hand a man can’t force a woman to carry the baby the take full responsibility when the child is born and the mother to pay support.

as it is right now whether they want to be involved or not and if they say straight off that they don’t want to be a dad should why should they have to pay child support? A woman has the choice to keep or end the pregnancy but a man is forced to go along with the woman’s wishes.

for the record I’m a female and I had an unplanned pregnancy (2 types of contraception failed) I spoke to the father and said I was happy to go it alone and didn’t want or need anything from him. I was late 30s and child free.

im not sure how it could be policed or what the options would be but something like the man legally signing away parental rights from the start of the pregnancy and the mother signing to agree she won’t chase it etc

so my question is AIBU to think that if a mother chooses to go ahead with a pregnancy and the father says right from the off that he doesn’t want to be involved should he then be free to walk away with consequences?

OP posts:
Theslummymummy · 30/09/2025 19:27

throwaway005 · 28/09/2025 22:25

I guess I was thinking more along the lines of accidental pregnancy for whatever reason.

if the mother says I want to keep this baby and the father says from that first test I don’t want it. Then the mother thinks dad should pay for the child despite him having said from the start it’s not what he wanted.

I understand men go back and forth throughout the pregnancy or walk away when the baby arrives etc. 100% these men should pay.

the men I mean though are the men that have used contraception, for it then to have failed or for a woman to have lied to get intentionally pregnant. They have said right from the start they don’t want involved.

I guess something like legal paperwork signing over paternal rights but also the mother at that stage agreeing that she won’t chase him for child support.

Show quote history

The man doesn't have to go through with an abortion, its not his body.

ManteesRock · 30/09/2025 23:40

I actually know a girl (ex friend ) who was so desperate to be a mum. She had always said that as soon as she was 16 she was going to have a baby. Her boyfriend didn't want a child because he was 16! The girl told a bunch of us what she was doing - she'd not only told her bf she was on the pill she also insisted he back it up with the condoms she'd brought. She literally pierced each one with a pin.
Her boyfriend had to pay child support and was a teen day - all because a stupid girl wanted to have a baby!

Floundering66 · 01/10/2025 06:33

Im a very cynical person but I really struggle to believe people when they say contraceptives have failed! I think if a man doesn’t want a child, he should be wearing a condom. I believe they are 98% effective so I guess he has to weigh up if he’s willing to take that 2% risk! My friend just met a man (30) who has already had a vasectomy as he knows he doesn’t want children.

DingDongJingle · 01/10/2025 06:38

Floundering66 · 01/10/2025 06:33

Im a very cynical person but I really struggle to believe people when they say contraceptives have failed! I think if a man doesn’t want a child, he should be wearing a condom. I believe they are 98% effective so I guess he has to weigh up if he’s willing to take that 2% risk! My friend just met a man (30) who has already had a vasectomy as he knows he doesn’t want children.

No contraception is 100% reliable so yes, individual methods do fail occasionally. My second was conceived when I was on the mini pill. However if we definitely knew we didn’t want any more children we wouldn’t have relied on just one method of contraception, we’d have double/tripled up. You’d have to be very very unlucky for multiple methods of contraception to fail at the same time.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 01/10/2025 06:42

Ive only read the first page but maintenance and access are two entirely different things, looked at separately by the courts. It really doesn't work as in more money = more access / control, no money = no access. Thats just bonkers for a million different reasons, most of which are surely obvious to anyone with half a brain.
Child maintenance (and it is called maintenance nowadays, not support) is to benefit the child, not the Mum.
This suggestion put forward by the op is impossible to enforce and would put millions of children into poverty. Yay let's put society back by decades because shitty men want to shag with zero consequences. Vasectomy exists, if they are that desperate to not be a Dad. Get the fucking snip.

RhaenysRocks · 01/10/2025 06:56

ManteesRock · 30/09/2025 23:40

I actually know a girl (ex friend ) who was so desperate to be a mum. She had always said that as soon as she was 16 she was going to have a baby. Her boyfriend didn't want a child because he was 16! The girl told a bunch of us what she was doing - she'd not only told her bf she was on the pill she also insisted he back it up with the condoms she'd brought. She literally pierced each one with a pin.
Her boyfriend had to pay child support and was a teen day - all because a stupid girl wanted to have a baby!

Did none of you think to tell the lad what she was up to? In the end, whilst she was clearly reprehensible, the end point is the same. A child is created via two parents and both have to contribute. The child is entitled to that. The only person for whom the word "fair" is relevant is the child.

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