Paying maintenance

[throwaway005]

Just putting it on here to see others thoughts

chatting with some friends earlier about child support and a father being involved with the kids. I kind of think I know how this will go but here goes

So I agree with abortion, many women get pregnant and keeping the baby for a variety of reasons doesn’t suit her. Contraception fails, rape, financial the list is endless and a woman should decide what is right for her and her body. Which is her right but what about the father’s right to choose whether to be a parent or not? I’m not talking about men that have planned pregnancies with a partner or have agreed to be a dad due to an unplanned pregnancy. I’m talking about the men who say right from the start they don’t want to be a dad or be involved in anyway. On the other hand a man can’t force a woman to carry the baby the take full responsibility when the child is born and the mother to pay support.

as it is right now whether they want to be involved or not and if they say straight off that they don’t want to be a dad should why should they have to pay child support? A woman has the choice to keep or end the pregnancy but a man is forced to go along with the woman’s wishes.

for the record I’m a female and I had an unplanned pregnancy (2 types of contraception failed) I spoke to the father and said I was happy to go it alone and didn’t want or need anything from him. I was late 30s and child free.

im not sure how it could be policed or what the options would be but something like the man legally signing away parental rights from the start of the pregnancy and the mother signing to agree she won’t chase it etc

so my question is AIBU to think that if a mother chooses to go ahead with a pregnancy and the father says right from the off that he doesn’t want to be involved should he then be free to walk away with consequences?

Abstinence works.

So you want men to be able to have sex with only the women suffering any consequences if thing go wrong? As it is contraception often affects women negatively and pregnancy and birth can even be fatal. Bringing up a child in poverty, where you would end up in prison if any of your actions were to be interpreted as neglect. Besides abortion should never be mandatory

No. The fewer ways there are for men to get out of paying for the babies they beget, the better.

Abortion should be a last resort for things that you can't avoid- not people's idiocy n option for any woman that doesn't want to be pregnant

There you go, fixed it for you.

Sadly im not allowed to put what I think of someone who wants to control other women's bodies, but im sure if you try to think really hard, you might be able to work it out...

Maybe the woman should take some precautions too, it's not just the man's responsibility.

You got pregnant with an IUD in place AND using a condom? That is bloody miraculous and must be odds of tens of thousands to one. Aside from sterilisation IUD is the most effective contraception. Add another layer of latex, wow, you two must be super super fertile.

But no, I don’t agree men get to opt out of paying maintenance. If they don’t want a baby under any circumstances they can have a highly effective vasectomy and could even freeze sperm beforehand if necessary. Or they can abstain from PIV.

As soon as the man gets a say, or anyone else’s needs are considered before the woman, then the women get shat on and lose their agency.

So many non-resident parents refuse to pay or underpay CMS.

My primary concern is with the mums and children in this scenario, not the dads who might have to cough up financially.

So you don’t consider your child has a right to know both parents? To receive financial support, as well as emotional and practical support? Sex is purely transactional and sod the needs of the child?

If sex results in accidental pregnancy due to contraception failure it's the woman who will have to take at least some level of responsibility for continuing or ending it. Or do you not understand basic human reproduction?

If a woman has sex that results in an accidental pregnancy she is always going to have to take responsibility for that, either by having a medical procedure to end the pregnancy (with associated risks), or by going through pregnancy and giving birth to the baby (with associated risks). So why should a man be able to walk away, when they’ve taken the same risk (ie sex may result in pregnancy) that the woman has?

I actually feel like I’ve been educated even by a simple way like it was common knowledge prior but hey😂.

I fully agree men should wear condoms and take responsibility. For instance in my situation my daughter’s dad has got 4 children. 1 one with one 2 with the middle and 1 with me. ( don’t ask I’m 5 years deep🙃) he has told me he doesn’t want anymore which is fine but then I’ve said well I do so I came off contraception a year ago. Everytime we do the deed he winces because I remind him every time that I have came off it and mostly was to give my body a break but we only do the deed once every couple months as we don’t live together.

In my head I've always been thinking I’ve done the right thing in telling him I’ve came off and it’s up to him to either get the snip or wear a condom. But at the same time if I ended up pregnant I’ve done the last 4 years of our daughters life living away from him doing every bed time etc so for me I wouldn’t give a dhite about doing it again to complete my family of 3.

i eat my own words however if he decided to walk away I would let him without issue I wouldn’t want to force anything upon anyone to do with my children full stop

thank you I feel educated and less strong on the point and it’s opened my eyes to even the stance I’ve taken in my own situation reflecting this x

@Happygolucky314 he knows you aren’t on contraception but he won’t use a condom or get the snip?

I mean, that’s utterly wilfully risking becoming a dad for the 5th time. Eyes wide open. Why shouldn’t he contribute financially if it comes to it, given his actions?

@SheilaFentiman

yeah that’s correct, I was on the depo injection and it was making me feel off. I have been off it since January like my last injection was 3 months prior to that. I told him and made him aware and he still won’t do anything about it so for me that’s on him now as I say we don’t live together and I really need to find grow build with myself then move on to find a new relationship and then hopefully give my child a sibling but I’m 30 and I feel too old at this point to be having another however he’s 40 😂

Jesus Christ so the option for a woman is to either have an abortion which is extremely traumatic and affects you the rest of your life unlike most men or have a child with absolutely no support from the father?

It wasn’t that long ago that women were owned by men and just seen to exist to make babies and look after the home. Also it’s been within my lifetime (I’m a millenial), that marital r**e was finally made illegal. A lot of progress has been made to protect women from inequality and we’re lucky live somewhere with greater gender parity. You can see everything going down in America at the moment with abortion rights. There a woman being kept alive as an incubator, because her rights don’t matter. The rights of women need to be protected because imagine the alterative, or maybe just read a history book or research other parts of the world where that’s not the case. If a man doesn’t want that responsibility, get a vesectomy or don’t have sex. I hate these types of posts, it’s just shows how blissful ignorant some people choose to be.

I wish we would pin this. Beautifully put.

If a man doesn't want to be a Dad he can take responsibility for this himself and have a vasectomy.

Exactly!

Just because there is an option for women to have an abortion, doesn’t mean men are owed the option to choose not to be a parent to make it nice and fair on them. If a child comes in to the world then the parents are responsible, whether abortion exists for women or not.

To be fair, my friend is 27 and he and his wife have already had 3 children and he is adamant that he does not want any more children but the GP will still not refer him for a vasectomy because of his age.

It's not always as easy as "just get a vasectomy".

When it comes to wanting to be sterilised, men face the same battle that women do (if they request it as a youngish age or if they haven't already had children)

A woman has a right to choose whether or not to have an abortion because it's what happens to her body.

The father also gets to choose what happens to his body and he makes that choice when he has sex.

He no longer gets to choose once it's no longer his body- that does not mean he's absolved of responsibility.

A vasectomy is not a guarantee.

Fortunately, there IS one thing that is absolutely bomb proof and that is abstinence. A man who is so averse to becoming a father and then <gasp> having to make a financial contribution to that offspring's upkeep, always has the option of not having penetrative sex with women of child-bearing age.

My old biology teacher taught me that the only 100% guaranteed method of contraception was abstinence (he did add that long term abstinence caused psychological issues in the adult male but he was of a certain generation!). If you fuck around there is a chance you'll need to find out. Many people are aware of this and have considered and discussed with partners regarding contraception and what would potentially happen if it fails before they get down and dirty. I was very clear with my now partner at the start of dating that another child was not in my future so I used the best contraception I can get hold of and I made it clear that I'd abort if it failed. If the guy is not comfortable with the risk of getting a lady pregnant than he shouldn't sleep with her.

Support is for the CHILD and not for the mother. Ideally both parents should contribute to the raising of the child with love, hands on presence and money. Sadly you can't force people to be good parents but you can force them to contribute financially so you should.

Yes it is quite simple, no one is forcing him to have sex

My post was clearly in response to the people implying that men should just get vasectomies.

No need to get arsey and argumentative with me.

I had an unplanned pregnancy and my ex said straight away he didn't want to be involved. The only thing he has ever done is the bare minimum legal requirement and pay child support, which is always late.
It's the law for a reason, every child should be supported to help avoid child poverty. You are being unreasonable.

It’s also called child maintenance, I suppose it depends where you are