I’m so angry on my friends behalf

[lessee167]

My Best Friend is not in a very happy marriage. Her Husband has always been a tricky character and is very very tight with money. I think he’s financially abusive she thinks he’s just a bit tight. They mainly have separate finances but this benefits him much more than her.

Any way, they have an online shop delivered once a week, they both add to it as needed. Today it’s been delivered and her sanitary towels were not on it. She assumed they were out of stock so she logged on to check the order and saw they had been removed. She asked her husband and he replied “you can pay for your own luxuries from your own money”.

I mean this is just ridiculous, it’s not as if she had added expensive face cream or make up! It would be the final straw for me

What a horrible, abusive, misogynist piece of shit he is. Absolutely awful.

I think that not only does he not like her personally, he doesn’t like women. I think he’s an abusive and nasty misogynist.

I hope your friend can see away out.

Send her to this thread.

This is not okay.

That is a 100% asshole move - really 'know your place woman' type of crap.

I really hope there are no children and she can get out easily - he sounds like the sort that would make it as hard as possible if they own a home together.

Just seen they have teenagers - are they girls?

Weird suggests inexplicable. As PPs have said, he knows exactly what he's doing. Nasty piece of work.

@NebulousSadTimes

Sorry if I wasn’t clear - I mean if she refuses to see the reality - I don’t expect women to wake up and leave just like that, but if I had a friend who constantly told me about being abused and then denied it and minimised - I can’t offer support it don’t have that in me.

That might make me a shit friend but I am not going to collude and listen to the lies.

I’ll help you plan, let you stay at mine, drive you to safety in the middle of the night. I’ll even give you money.

But endless evenings of listening to it ending ‘he’s not that bad really’ and I’m out.

Disgusting. Sanitary towels are NOT a luxury item!! Ignorant tight pig.

That's bizarre.
Sanitary towels? I order one pack and my husband changes it to four. 😄
Honestly, she'll be better off without.

I'm surprised she didn't already see him for who he is.

I bet this isnt the first nasty unpleasant thing he's done to her,

Perhaps she could tell her husband that they are not luxury items, as the government removed VAT from them, because they are deemed to be necessities. She should maybe do this before she jams a tampon up each nostril... I think you can tell how angry this has made me.

Fair enough but she's not refusing to see the realtiy, she's been conditioned to accept his behaviour, so she wouldn't be lying to you, it is her reality that he's not that bad. At times.

I hear you though, it takes a hell of a lot of patience to hear the same thing, sometimes for years, and not to be able to say what you'd like to!

@NebulousSadTimes

I hear you though, it takes a hell of a lot of patience to hear the same thing, sometimes for years, and not to be able to say what you'd like to!

I definitely do not have that level of patience.

😞🤬

Please - if you ever find yourself in this position - try NOT to tell the woman that she's an idiot for being/ staying in the relationship.
The chances are that her self esteem and sense of worth have already been ground down over the years, by her abuser - the best thing you can do if you actually want her to leave him is build up her confidence in herself and make her feel like not she's not an incompetent idiot.
I think the OP's been smart to avoid slagging off the husband too much (in case this provokes her friend to seek to defend him/ the relationship).
As others have said, sharing info about the support and advice available from organisations like Womens Aid, asking non-judgemental questions and helping your friend to see his behaviour for what it is (coercive control = now a criminal act) is likely to be more effective.
There is plenty of evidence that women often won't act to protect themselves, but will take action to protect their children, so talking through the likely impact of his behaviour on her teenagers (for example) might help her gather the strength to end it.

Wow to think sanitary towels are a luxury is disgusting. He sounds heartless, his behaviour is concerning.

Women’s Aids advice on how to support a friend experiencing abuse:

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/im-worried-about-someone-else/

Are either of their children girls?

Would he also expect his daughter to pay for sanitary products out of her own pocket money?

How can I put it? Nah, I can't. The man's a f#cking arsehole.