I’m so angry on my friends behalf

[lessee167]

My Best Friend is not in a very happy marriage. Her Husband has always been a tricky character and is very very tight with money. I think he’s financially abusive she thinks he’s just a bit tight. They mainly have separate finances but this benefits him much more than her.

Any way, they have an online shop delivered once a week, they both add to it as needed. Today it’s been delivered and her sanitary towels were not on it. She assumed they were out of stock so she logged on to check the order and saw they had been removed. She asked her husband and he replied “you can pay for your own luxuries from your own money”.

I mean this is just ridiculous, it’s not as if she had added expensive face cream or make up! It would be the final straw for me

He's an arsehole. Luxury ! No. Necessity.

This is the second thread today that I have seen, that illustrates a ghastly, tight-arsed, 'man.' How depressing.

This man clearly doesn't even like his wife, let alone love her. She has a very low bar if she's tolerating this shit. I'd rather be single for life than be with a pathetic excuse of a man like this. He sounds repugnant and revolting.

Makes me glad to have my own husband to be honest. He can be a PITA sometimes (like all men LOL!) but he isn't - and never has been - so ludicrously petty and tight fisted.

Men like your friend's husband @lessee167 never do anything around the house either, they never do any childcare, and they're always shit in bed. (Selfish and boring.)

Seriously, tell her to leave him. No woman deserves this! As other posters have said, he is a controlling, abusive, misogynist. I don't know what's worse, if she has daughters - with a horrible sexist pig for a father - or sons, because they may end up like him.

Tell her to get out now, and take the children.

That’s horrible. I hope she bleeds out all over the bed, his towels and the bathroom and then tells him, well you said sanitary products are luxuries…

Op why have you put her story online? Does she know you've put this on mumsnet?

No, HE needs to go . . .

I know his sort. She'll need a forensic accountant when/if she decides to divorce him to find his money. What an utter cunt. I really hope this will make her realise that he's an abusive cunt.

What a despicable individual!
Out of interest, do they have any daughters? If so, would he have the same attitude when they start needed sanitary products?
Actually, this post has made me very sad and angry……..the very thought that someone could be so spiteful and miserly just beggars belief.

The details are vague enough that she wouldn’t be recognised from this. She does have money to buy sanitary products, its just been suddenly decided by him that they can’t go on the grocery shop, as he thinks she should use her “spending money” not “family money”.

He is a nasty bully and he’s done this to make her life difficult. It’s death by 1000 cuts. We have spoken often about the fact they aren’t happy, but i am careful not to be too hard on him as I don’t want her to feel she has to defend him. I’m going meet her later in the week for a walk, i will tell her i feel this has become financial abuse. I do think this has opened her eyes.

I’d use his fucking cut up clothes as my sanitary towels.

SHOW YOUR FRIEND THIS POST

I was in her position around eight years ago, it took other people’s opinions for me to see the light.
Like you’ve said, it starts so subtle, you don’t notice, and then he builds on it…it will get worse.

She obviously needs to leave him, but if she continues to defend him after this, I'd be frustrated with her, as well. I'd have a limit, personally, to how long I'd be willing to listen to her complain about him without taking some kind of action. She's lucky you're patient enough to bite your tongue.

This is the crux for me. A bit of moaning is normal, no relationship is perfect and it’s expected to vent to friends.

If a friend was continually defending an abusive man (and this is abusive) then I’d lose my patience. It’s one thing to be trapped and unable to leave, it’s another to stick one’s head in the sand and say ‘he’s a bit tight’ when the reality is clearly different.

I wouldn’t be able to listen to this without telling her she was being an idiot staying with him.

He is disgusting and doesn't love or respect her but also is an abusive coward that wants her to leave so everyone will know how fantastic he is and how horrible she is because she broke the family.
I wonder if he is cheating or have someone else in the queue.
Disgusting man.

Lots of excellent points above.

I find it beyond shocking that he deleted the sanitary towels from the order and didn't even say he'd done it. She could easily have been caught out without any luxury items pads.

What an utter arse.

Probably his goal - to leave her humiliated.

i will tell her i feel this has become financial abuse

@lessee167 I find asking questions can be helpful, with a view to guiding her to articulate what he is doing. It should make her (a) think about it rather than just close her ears to "he's abusive" because he might be allowing her a 'good' spell at that moment and it's easier than facing up to it; and (b) say it out loud. Which can be referred back to during her wobbles, if appropriate.

@Merryoldgoat It can take a woman up to seven attempts to leave her abuser. It can be extremely frustrating for those on the outside, especially when we are not in her position and even if we have an understanding of it, but calling her an idiot only relieves you of your frustration for a few minutes, it does nothing to help.

Great advise thank you

This level of pettiness is hateful. He’s testing how far he can push her. It sounds like he’s broken her quite a bit already.

If it was just a case of being right, free-bleeding might get the message through. But I fear he may escalate to worse treatment .

I would use his sock as a Fanny pad then leave it on his pillow. I wish women would just leave these arseholes.

I hope one of their teenagers isn’t a girl? Would he expect her to buy her own sanitary provisions too? What a vile little man. He hates women, or her anyway. She needs to leave him and soon.
I hope they have a cream sofa she can bleed all over.

Now that she has seen this she may start to see the other ways in which he is abusive. It’s great that she has a friend like you as you can support her if/when she makes the decision to leave.

This is far too restrained, but yeah.

Women generally use more toilet paper, but men need more food so I think he should be eating her portions for the next few months and see how he survives on that!

Yep he's a disgusting bully. The fact he did it, didn't tell her, waiting for her to bring it up, and had a pre-prepared nonsensical statement about luxuries suggests he's cruel also.

Or rip up his favourite shirts to improvise sanpro.