Find Xmas too depressing as I get older

[TweedledumTweedleddee]

Is it an age thing? I have a hell of a lot to be grateful for, and on the day I'll feel a lot better; but I miss the heady days of Xmas as a child so much. Miss the excitement of big family celebrations with grandparents, cousins etc. Now I'm 60 I'm over it. Cousins spread out with their own families, local friends with their own families.
This year it will be just me, dh & elderly dm. Her party spirit left a long time ago, she's old & tired, arthiritic so cant do that much. Dh just cant help falling asleep in front of the tv after Xmas dinner & a couple of glasses of wine.
Even the pubs if you go out to celebrate, maybe on Xmas eve seem to have lost the Xmas cheer of the old days.
Have a dd & dgs but it's her partner's parents turn this year. Our own ds will be away for the first time, abroad with the Raf.
Yes, it'll be stress free, we've got a healthy & happy family & comfortable home, but compared to my childhood xmas's it's just another day. When I hear of others still having big family Xmas's around the table I have a lot of fomo if I'm honest; but I appreciate I still have a lot to be thankful for at Xmas. How do you snap out of this annual Xmas depression?

I’m not sure you do!!

You can’t recreate the magic - bit you can decide to do christmas as you wish.

Invite others for christmas eve?

Look at other ways of celebrating - DD over boxing day or christmas eve -

Have a lie in and let you DH make you breakfast in bed - he gets his nap later!

I'm older than you and I was over it years ago. Roll on January.

It might help to stop trying to feel the way a younger version of you felt, you can't recapture that. Be grateful you had it, and then choose to turn to your current self and try to define what you do want to feel this year.

Do you want a rest, or use the time to cook a feast, or space to go to different events, do you go to church, do you want to volunteer? Do you enjoy decorations or do you like things simple? Big walks or lazy days? Home or away?

You can keep any of your old traditions, you don't have to ditch everything. But you can't make yourself feel the way a younger version of you felt.

Do something different on the lead up that YOU enjoy or will make a change or make it more memorable? I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all as actually Christmas is all we hear about for months, and then ends up being quite flat.

If you want to compare yourself favourably, I am single and childless, no family, and most years receive no invitations.

I think that's pretty normal to be fair OP, for me whilst I do miss the excitement of my childhood Christmases it's more:

A) Christmas fever starts so early that by the day itself I'm over it.

B) Christmas and New Year is an anticlimax, because you get to them, try to feel optimistic about the new year and what you're going to try to achieve, only to have months of the worst bit of winter left.

That said, as per PP, you can't really recreate being a kid on Christmas... but you can think about what you would really like to happen on Christmas (and in the run up) as an adult rather than just letting things happen "just because", and aim to make that happen whatever it is.

I agree, It’s not the same any more.
I remember seeing family and friends, Christmas seemed to last from Christmas Eve to New Years Day. Nowadays it’s over in a flash as people are out sale shopping on Boxing Day.
Even when my kids were little it still seemed to lack the magic. Maybe we were lucky to have experienced it, and should just be grateful for that.

YNBU. If you enjoy a big family Xmas I can understand why the change feels like a loss. Acknowledge that there won’t be the same hustle and bustle and you miss that. But you can still take pleasure in it in plenty of small moments. A decent film, some lovely food, a pretty walk etc.

It's just another day when no (younger) children are around. But that doesn't mean its a horrible or boring (just another) day

What would you LIKE to do on 25 December, OP? What would make you happy?

Maybe have the roast on the 24th and do something completely different on the 25th ?

Think outside the box about what YOU would like

Im in my 40s and have a young child

i dislike xmas and I really enjoy January every year more and more.

Its forced time with family; being cooped up inside, eating and drinking. High expectations and also the length of time it runs for. The shops are full of
xmas tat and if i want to book a FC visit for my child, its ridiculous price and i have to book now…3 months in advance

If my adult DC weren’t home at Xmas I’d do a roast meal on Xmas Eve and then spend the actual day lounging about in PJ’s eating nibbles. No cooking.

In the kindest way possible, you need to get a grip.

You need to let go of trying to go back in time to feeling like you did when you were a child and start to appreciate what you have now. You have children and GC, your mum is still with you and you have a hopefully supportive DH. Many do not have any of those things.

It's always a bit annoying when people remind you how rubbish others have it because you think 'well that doesn't help me' but in this instance maybe it will.

You are not on the poverty line stuck in a shelter or temporary accommodation, you're not spending it on a hospital ward or in a war zone and your family is hopefully healthy and happy. You will have food on the table and a nice warm house. The rest is really up to you. You can sit and wallow in nostalgia or start creating a day that you enjoy.

Presumably your DD and family will be with you next year, so it's only one year.Give your head a little wobble and start to appreciate what you do have. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and start taking control of your own happiness.

I completely agree OP, it depresses me too and I can’t wait for it to be over - I hate all the expectations, forced fun and trying to please everyone.

I would say though, that all those big family gatherings you hear about are probably really stressful and many of the people involved are only there because they feel they should be.

Try a carol service or two- you'll get the hustle and bustle, candles, people of all ages, the joy of singing together. And then afterwards the quiet day with 3 people won't seem so bad.

I feel like you OP. It would be more fun to go away or do something different, but there's my mum to consider.

I think that’s a normal feeling OP. I adore Christian’s and now I’m and adult I try to recreate special memories with my DC, not just the day itself but in the build up. We do panto, light trails, Santa visit, vsiit to the garden centre to see the Christmas displays, and crafts etc. not sure how old your DGC are but can you involve yourself in those things? We don’t see our parents on Xmas day but we all have a big family get together Boxing Day where we have pie and peas and party games for the kids.

Can the 3 of you afford to/able to go somewhere abroad for Christmas to somewhere where it’s not as big a deal as it is here?

As soon as my kids flee the nest, not wishing their lives away honestly, dh and I will be spending Christmas abroad - somewhere warm.

I used to love Christmas but nowadays it’s bittersweet.

I have dear adult children who also yearn for the Christmases of the past, but no grandchildren yet(and I may genuinely not get any).

Christmas now just emphasises the ‘empty chairs’ and the memory of the people who used to celebrate with us but are no longer here, is just too poignant sometimes.

I’m very jolly at Christmas and go to trouble…but I secretly dread it and am relieved when it’s over!

‘Thoroughly unprepared, we take the step into the afternoon of life. Worse still, we take this step with the false presupposition that our truths and our ideals will serve us as hitherto.

But we cannot live the afternoon of life according to the program of life’s morning, for what was great in the morning will be little at evening and what in the morning was true, at evening will have become a lie.’

Carl Gustav Jung

I agree with PP to think outside your norm. You must get your dh on board and let him know you need him to make an effort and be involved because you are feeling depressed already. I'd still decorate, put up a tree and lights. Talk with your mum as well. She might be interested in something different, too.

I would suggest that you stop dwelling on the past and focus on the present and future. Life moves on inevitably and this means leaving behind stages and circumstances that brought us happiness. It's fine to remember them, even wistfully at times, but your eyes should be ahead not looking over your own shoulder, otherwise you don't make the most of whats in front of you. So this one day of the year isn't as it was. And from what you say, there really isn't any way realistically to make that one day anything more than quiet pleasant and peaceful.
So accept that and uplift yourself with other experiences you can have in and around the day. There are loads of options that don't require a big young family.Theatre, shows, dinner events, Christmas markets, short breaks, winter walks, Carol services if that's your thing, live music, all sorts of things for people who are the age where they can largely do as they please.
Try something new, lots of new things in fact, and make a new festive period rather than feeling you need to bd satisfied with the scraps of a former one, and by the time the Big Day arrives, you'll be glad of the rest

I don't particularly like Xmas either - never have. I have been nursing for 30 years this year and have always had to work a lot of the Xmas period. My DC are young adults now and of course the magic isn't there anymore.

Still have to be grateful for all we have Tragically DD best friend died a few weeks back, early 20s and it has brought a lot of perspective to the pretty insignificant things that I moan about. So this year we will raise a glass to her and be thankful we have each other.

YANBU. Christmas is my least favourite time of year. Since my DM died three years ago, my DF comes to stay for 4 days (I'm an only child, no room at his house, 3 hours away) and we go to my ILs for lunch. All sounds fine but DF and ILs are quite grinchy about Christmas, the food is awful, my DF just counts down until the pub is open. So I always feel quite down despite trying really hard to put a front on.

I'm only 32 and think Christmas will only improve if we decide to have kids and can focus on them instead. Honestly I would love to escape Christmas on holiday but could never leave my DF by himself.

Feel so envious of the lovely big family Christmases and people who enjoy each other's company and the holidays.

I could have written the OP and was thinking the same thing. I am also 60.

Childhood Christmases were happy chaos with family staying over. Then when we had children we had Christmas Day at ours with my parents staying over and my in laws visiting.

Echo the empty chairs feeling as this will be the third Christmas since we lost 4 close relatives in the last few months of 2023. That year we were a bit in shock and last year felt odd.

However I agree with the points about counting your blessings and might look outwards a bit this year and do some voluntary work/ charity gift giving.

I think the way to make the best of it is to change your expectations. You can’t have the magical childhood Christmas, but you can have a lovely low key Christmas with people you love. Try to enjoy it for what it is, because there will come a time when you are looking back nostalgically at this too.