Find Xmas too depressing as I get older

[TweedledumTweedleddee]

Is it an age thing? I have a hell of a lot to be grateful for, and on the day I'll feel a lot better; but I miss the heady days of Xmas as a child so much. Miss the excitement of big family celebrations with grandparents, cousins etc. Now I'm 60 I'm over it. Cousins spread out with their own families, local friends with their own families.
This year it will be just me, dh & elderly dm. Her party spirit left a long time ago, she's old & tired, arthiritic so cant do that much. Dh just cant help falling asleep in front of the tv after Xmas dinner & a couple of glasses of wine.
Even the pubs if you go out to celebrate, maybe on Xmas eve seem to have lost the Xmas cheer of the old days.
Have a dd & dgs but it's her partner's parents turn this year. Our own ds will be away for the first time, abroad with the Raf.
Yes, it'll be stress free, we've got a healthy & happy family & comfortable home, but compared to my childhood xmas's it's just another day. When I hear of others still having big family Xmas's around the table I have a lot of fomo if I'm honest; but I appreciate I still have a lot to be thankful for at Xmas. How do you snap out of this annual Xmas depression?

I have felt like this since my kids stopped believing in Santa. Also on my own with kids so sometimes they are at their dads and I just dread it. I went away on holiday and had the best Christmas ever one year. I’d do that every year if I could but it doesn’t fit with work. Is going to Tenerife or such like an option?

Like a lot of people I find Christmas and New Year a very difficult time. It's a real sense of relief for me when life takes on a semblance of normality in January.

But I am very lucky in that my son visits me at Christmas and we have a lovely day - going for a walk, eating nice food that bears no relation to what is generally regarded as traditional Christmas food, playing card games and scrabble. We do our own thing and don't bother what other people are up to. Apart from feeling a lot of sympathy for the countless others for who Christmas day is just another day of hardship or loneliness.

Honestly OP you can still find things to enjoy at Christmas without making your self unhappy hankering after the past.

But different for me, because Christmas when I was child wasn’t great.
Can you start some new traditions which you like? Even if those are, we don’t bloody do Christmas? You can make it work for you and have it any way you want it.

For me, the tree goes up first weekend in December. I always buy one or two baubles throughout the year at places we’ve been to, so it’s nice to hang all those and reminisce about the good times we’ve had, always starts it off well!

I buy Christmas scented candles (dirty cheap in January!) because for me smells are evocative and it puts me in a good mood.

I also do a really big food bank shop. I support them throughout the year, but I go all out at Christmas (having checked first what they actually want) and I donate toys/clothes/gifts to a local women’s refuge. It’s nice to think you’ve helped someone have something a bit special to eat, or something nice to open, on Christmas Day.
And I’ve volunteered on Christmas Day a few times, serving food at homeless shelters. That’s an option if you fancy it?

Me too! We do have the family round for dinner but I don’t decorate- I know it’s a cliche but it is too commercialised - Christmas stuff in the shops in September - how do you explain to kids that it’s 3 moths away?

And for those who say ‘it helps people spread the cost’ just put the money aside.

bah humbug!

I have never cooked a traditional Xmas dinner ( I'm mid 60s) or hosted. Nor spent Xmas Day with other people. Always had lovely peaceful ones when dcs were small...we didnt have much extended family and chose not to see ones we had.
Dd visits the week before Xmas then spends it with friends. Dh and I are going to a cottage by the sea from 23rd for a week. He has small grandchildren so we will drop gifts off before we go.
I ignore traditions and just do exactly what I want to do without getting sucked in to the whole commercialism.

Exactly. There's no need for it to be in everyone's face from September onwards.

It evolves. We had fabulous Christmases when t he DC were small and grandparents came to stay.

Now DS & DIL are in SA, our mothers are 89 and can't travel and 240 and 100 miles away. For the last few years DH and I have explained split up rather than leave a mother alone at Christmas. DD will go to bi's family this year.

I so look forward to a quiet Christmas sat home with DH. It will have changed but it will be better than now.

For the now @TweedledumTweedleddee perhaps connect with what Christmas is about and go to church in advent at least. The Christmas day mass/service is always uplifting.

DH and I usually go to Covent Garden the week before.

Absolutely this - I'm not remotely religious but attended a beautiful little church round the corner for their carol service. It was so welcoming that I also attended their outdoor carol singing in the local park.
Start researching local events happening in the run up - concerts, theatre, amateur theatre etc. You can't help catching the festive spirit - it's there if you look for it. Don't be afraid to go it alone.
Look for opportunities to help others have a better christmas.
Start some Christmas crafts in the run up - make your own cards (button cards are easy and charming) , do a beautiful 1000 piece Christmas jigsaw. Mine's Santa's Workshop this year.
Watch Christmas movies.
Reminisce with DM. You are so lucky to have great Christmas memories.
Think "cosy Christmas" for DM on the day itself. Christmas throws, snacks, films.
It's just different OP - it can still be lovely.

When my adult DC are at their outlaws we have a really selfish, indulgent time. We eat out, see friends and I have a real ‘year off’. Buy yourself a really expensive bottle of bubble bath and body lotion and have a really pamper-y few days.

DH and I (early 40s, no kids) have decided we're removing ourselves from Christmas day obligations from now on, and will just be doing our own thing.

My Christmases were amazing as a child, partly because my mum is one of 9 siblings, so there were huge family get togethers. But also because I loved getting new toys and believing in santa!

As an adult, I love December and all of the festive decor and drinks and dinners out, but hate the commercialism that's rammed down your throat.

We've hosted our siblings and parents several times, and I find the day claustrophobic and expensive and such a lot of work. I hate being cooped up indoors watching shit tv.

We've got toddler nieces and nephews now, and I think the expectation is that we should be desperate to spend Christmas with them and see them open their presents, but I honestly couldn't care less. And I don't want to spend my time off work driving here, there and everywhere.

I think an issue for us too, is we live like kings all year round, eating and drinking well and buying whatever we like. And I don't like greed. So Christmas rolls around and I'm not fussed about mince pies and Stilton and pate and chocolate.

We're doing it on our own this year, and booking a log cabin in the Scottish Highlands for next year (we've missed the boat for Christmas 2025).

The only thing I miss now that I'm older is my parents and the energy to bustle and make a big fuss of the day.

I like Christmas Eve better anyway.

Christmas is just a massive ball of stress for me.

Teenage DD wants a Insta Christmas, because if you can’t photograph something it’s obviously not worthwhile. DS is autistic and hates the change of routine. Yet he wants presents even though he doesn’t ask for or indeed like anything, then inevitably gets annoyed at whatever he gets because he doesn’t like it. Cue several meltdowns. No one likes the same food and DS’ sensory issues means he won’t eat at the table anyway so there’s no family dinner. Although I find a trad Xmas dinner utterly disgusting anyway. My widowed father now stays at home alone rather than coming to us because it’s not worth the drive.

hate it all. I’d F off to Tenerife if I could (preferably without my family).

Yes try and stop living in the past. Make new traditions. Book a curry house or Chinese. Just make it different.

I stopped celebrating christmas in 1979!

Im not religious and I hate big family gatherings.I dont buy gifts or cards and dont expect anything back from friends or family members. So much less expense or hassle. Instead I just spoil myself and do exactly what I want to do.

I think as you get older it becomes a time of nostalgia. You remember your magical childhood christmases when Father Christmas was still ‘real’. The family around you that may no longer be here and the cousins who now have families of their own. Then you remember the christmases when your own children were little and creating the magic for them.

Then you get to the point where your children are adults, your parents are gone or elderly and it just isn’t the same as it once was. It is hard to reconcile today with days gone by and Christmas does highlight that.

I haven’t got grandchildren yet but the dynamics of that will be different too as they will have two sets of grandparents and so Christmas magic may be a biannual thing.

I’m not sure what the answer is except to have as relaxing a day as possible.

This . Be very grateful OP your Christmas may not be of your choosing but it’s a lot better than a lot of people have .

I wonder if there's a way you can make it feel more magical for yourself by making it magical for someone else? Perhaps there are some children's charities you could volunteer for in the run up who organise events or gift drives for kids who need them, and helping with that might bring back some of the old Christmas spark. Then a peaceful, relaxed Christmas day might be just what you fancy. I'd also consider throwing a Christmas party in the days beforehand which again might create some magic but allow you to appreciate a quieter day? And I would also consider what new traditions for the day itself you could create - perhaps getting a new jigsaw puzzle each year, going to the local pub for a pre-lunch drink, or if you're crafty, maybe treating yourself to a new project that you begin after Christmas lunch when you're all relaxing? None of those things are going to bring back the Christmas feeling you had as a kid or as the parent of young kids of course, but they might make Christmases something you can enjoy and savour from now on and make them special in a different way.

I've decided I can't be bothered with it this year. It's been just DH and me mostly for the past ten years or so, and in the past I have cooked a Christmas dinner and we've exchanged gifts but it's all a bit pointless and the day never seems very special. I'm just going to treat it as a holiday from work this year.

I hear you. People everywhere talking about Christmas plans and I am just trying to survive the next week.

Maybe reinvent it and make some new traditions? Could try going to church (I don’t think it has to be your cup of tea to enjoy it a bit).. put up some fairy lights, do a few walks. I think perhaps let it evolve a bit, book a table somewhere instead of being at home etc etc.

My Xmas is ruined by my oblgation to dmum. I know i shouldn't think it or feel it but all I want to do is fuck off to a sunny beach for a week.
I have adult dc and grandkids and have made sure that they don't feel the same obligation but I swear she will outlive me.

Look at Mumsnet on Boxing Day and it will be full of stories of shit family Christmases though.

DH and I, no kids, used to host all our parents every Christmas. (There were boring logistical reasons why we did it this way which I’m not going to go into here.). It was exhausting and I yearned for a Christmas alone with DH. Our last surviving parent died 8 years ago, yes the empty chairs thing for the first couple of years, but now we really enjoy our cosy Christmas together.

Maybe it’s time for new traditions?

Dh and I have very little family left now, and those live a flight away. So it’s been just dh and I, and now Ds alone at Christmas.

We live overseas and I think that helps as it’s no where near as big here. We just go skiing now ( a short car ride away) and eat goulash and strudel at a casual mountain hut. No reservations needed either. We spend most of the 1-2 week Xmas period outside where possible walking, in thermal spa pool, skiing, eating normal food without huge buffet at home.

So my suggestion if to get outside or go away. If we go back to uk we bundle up and spend morning at the beach with hot flasks, or woodland walks, and easy food from nice farm shops or casseroles

I think Christmas for me has always been about a pagan midwinter, even when I was religious. I like the evergreen decorations and the pentangle at the door and putting lights and red berries up and medieval carols about those things. So getting outside and feeling the cold and the late dawn and the early dusk and the northernness of it all helps me feel connected to the past. I don’t know if any of that would help?

Ditto!