I think DH is being (a bit) U to MIL... AIBU?

[AveAtqueVale]

DH and MIL have a tricky relationship but on the surface are fairly ok with each other and we see her usually every few weeks (or at least he and the DC do). It's our youngest DC's first birthday next week and she was invited over for birthday tea. She messaged the other day to say 'Thanks for the invite - I suppose it's ok if I bring cousin Lulu (names changed to protect the innocent) who is staying that weekend?' She does this quite often - bringing/ inviting extra people along to stuff - family days out etc. Usually presented as a fait accompli or as a 'you don't mind if Jessica joins us that day?' while Jessica is sitting there smiling at us, so it's impossible to say no! It drives DH mad but we have always just gone along with it to keep the peace.

Anyway, this time DH has decided to say no, mainly because he thinks FIL (very acrimoniously divorced from MIL and has recently been diagnosed with Alzheimer's) will struggle if MIL comes with back-up from cousin Lulu. He can just about cope with her on her own but DH thinks an extra strange person on her 'side' (MIL and Lulu were not in contact prior to PIL's divorce so he doesn't actually know her) will probably send him into a flap. If it comes down to it DH would rather have FIL happy than MIL plus Lulu in attendance.

So, he sent back a reply saying 'ideally not as will already be a squash' (this is true, we are mid-kitchen renovation - it was meant to be finished by now and is very much not) 'why don't you two come over earlier in the day instead?' MIL argued one more person wouldn't make a difference, DH doubled down, MIL insisted, DH insisted not... upshot is MIL is furious (turns out she had already invited Lulu) and has now said she won't come at all, will post DC's card, and is telling Lulu the whole thing is cancelled due to the kitchen not being finished.

Despite not being generally given to taking MIL's side in things I think DH may be being a bit unreasonable as:
1- we obviously could fit one more person in despite the kitchen situation, so it's a really rubbish excuse
2- FIL is quite likely to bail at the last minute anyway - he has always been a bit flaky with social events and now quite often doesn't feel up to it at the last minute
3- having let the inviting random people to things go on for ages without telling her it annoys him, it's slightly harsh of DH to dig his heels in now when it's actually an event she's really bothered about.

Anyway, I am being outwardly supportive of DH because I think this actually all has a lot more to do with how he's feeling about his dad's diagnosis than it does to do with MIL or Lulu, but privately I think he is being a bit unreasonable!

YABU: DH is fully justified in refusing to back down and let MIL bring Lulu
YANBU: DH ought to pick a different hill to die on

I think your husband is more than reasonable. He made an alternative offer, which MIL has declined. She’s the one that’s escalated, and he is sticking to his boundary. At some stage there needs to be a conversation about extra ‘guests’.

You are a kind and generous person, OP - obviously more so than I am, because I’m with your DH on this one. He’s offered an alternative so that she can bring Lulu but that doesn’t suit her. Missing something she wants to go to because of her tendency to invite extras is - to be harsh - probably the best way to cure her of that habit….!

Also agree with your husband. Even if he hasn't told her that her inviting people irritates him, she will almost certainly have enough awareness to know that it is rude and that she shouldn't do it. Given her reaction, she probably would have probably acted the same regardless of whether a conversation had taken place.

I think your husband sounds nice and seems to be doing his best in tricky circumstances. His mum shouldn't have invited a +1 without checking first, if she has to learn that by missing something she wants to attend then so be it.

I agree with your DH too. And yes there may well be something of a reaction to his dad's diagnosis and that's totally understandable.

Let him take the lead on his relationship with his mum.

BTW it was totally inaapropriate for your MIL to invite anyone extra to your house, even if the kitchen is the size of the Albert hall. And sometimes just once more is the straw that breaks the camel's back, and what has been allowed to slide is suddenly a hill to die on

I see where you are coming from, and am no handmaid, but I think probably your responsibility is to back your husband in dealing with difficult decisions regarding his family.

I agree with your DH. It was rude of MIL to invite another guest without first checking if it was OK and her reaction to your DH telling her that Lulu can't come is pretty childish and spoilt.

It must have been difficult for your DH to put up with his mum's selfish and entitled behaviour over the years and the one time that he pushes back and says no, I think you should support him.

Your MIL doesn’t respect your husbands boundaries. She’s highly manipulative. I know someone who does this - it’s not as bad as not my mother - but it’s generally overall disregarding social norms.

Invited guests only, no need for personal emotional support people, keep the focus on the child having a party etc.

If she cared about your husband she’d respect his no. The fact she can’t is a red flag.

If she cared about your child she wouldn’t invite randoms to his birthday. That’s a red flag.

She will come around. Let her stew. Support your husband who has suffered with this mother.

Any guest who tried to insist on bringing an extra along when I had specifically said "normally would be ok, but on this occasion, not" would be off the guest list permanently. How spectacularly ill mannered !

Your dh is definitely nbu. Your MIL doesn't get to insist on anything, it isn't her home.

Your DH is being reasonable. Who invites people to other people's houses and events.

Support him having his boundaries. Sounds like he needs it with a mum like thar.

I also think you should support your husband. That doesn’t mean coming out with flags waving, but he’s taking a stand on something that has annoyed him for a long time - and is coming from a place of genuine concern for another family member - so just give him a bit of quiet support and ride it out.

It’s great that you’re supporting your husband even though you feel he’s a bit U. It seems that he’s had enough and has drawn a line which is probably well overdue. I expect MIL and Lulu will rock up anyway which will be a challenge to deal with on the day.

Your DH sounds fab TBH and has finally said that enough is enough; you’ve got a good one there.

i now have the song ‘Don’t Bring Lulu’ in my head and this will be the sound Track to my day!

Your husband knows your MIL better than you. Let him handle her how he sees fit and you have his back.

Your husband will be really upset I would imagine as this shows how little she thinks of him and her grandson or cares about seeing them and how emotionally immature she is. Which he probably knows but it’s been really pushed in his face when usually he can push it to the back of his mind.

it’s incredibly rude to invite other people to things, and emergency maybe where she was caring for a child and couldn’t leave them and it was a one off. She’s just probably amazed that he’s pushed back and will feel very affronted . Good for him.

Life is too short. Id much rather have my mum there alongside her cousin who's visiting, than not have my mum there at all.

So many people on here have a stick up their ass when it comes to "boundary setting" with relatives. Just live and let live, it will hardly make a bloody difference and we dont all need to be so closed off to being charitable or flexible towards family members.

Back in the 90s people had such a different attitude towards hosting, we've all become so closed off

His circus, his monkeys.

If it's been annoying your DH for ages he should have told his DM much sooner, he's blown this up into a bigger argument than needed by letting it go on and on. Leave him and MIL to make their peace or you'll end up getting the blame from both sides Op

For me the deciding factor would be whether DC wants MIL there? It's their birthday so if they would be happy to see MIL then I think that's the important thing.

Your MIL seems to care more about saving face with her friend then being present and supportive to her son and grandchild on the child’s special occasion, which is hurtful, so I’m with your DH.

I agree with you that DH should have brought it up before and it does seem harsh to double down so strongly when MIL had no idea it was a problem, but it doesn’t sound like she’s have listened before anyway. And she’s rude to just assume that she can bring randoms to your home.

Unless there is no chance of FIL attending I think DH should stick to his guns.

Am also with your husband on this. I do think he should tell her that his concern is primarily about how his dad will cope, but the conversation about uninvited guests is long overdue.
Some people might be all chilled about it, but bringing uninvited people to someone else's house changes the dynamic, it is rude and mil's insistence is her saying that she doesn't care about your dh's opinion - she's going to do what she wants, regardless!

Well, she might start getting it if she cares about the consequences of trampling on your dh's boundaries.

I’m strongly #teamDH - your MIL sounds like an overindulged horror who needs reining in.

DH got it right and you should support him.

I think you need to absolutely support him. It's about her never hearing the word no and now she's basically throwing a strop because she didn't get her own way. Why would you pander to her tantrum?

She would rather lie and prioritise this distant relative than spend time with her son and grandchild because he dared to say no for once. Poor bloke is probably quite rightly at the end of his tether.

Support him in this or she will never adhere to any boundaries going forward because she will know all it takes is a tantrum and some emotional blackmail she will get her own way.