I think DH is being (a bit) U to MIL... AIBU?

[AveAtqueVale]

DH and MIL have a tricky relationship but on the surface are fairly ok with each other and we see her usually every few weeks (or at least he and the DC do). It's our youngest DC's first birthday next week and she was invited over for birthday tea. She messaged the other day to say 'Thanks for the invite - I suppose it's ok if I bring cousin Lulu (names changed to protect the innocent) who is staying that weekend?' She does this quite often - bringing/ inviting extra people along to stuff - family days out etc. Usually presented as a fait accompli or as a 'you don't mind if Jessica joins us that day?' while Jessica is sitting there smiling at us, so it's impossible to say no! It drives DH mad but we have always just gone along with it to keep the peace.

Anyway, this time DH has decided to say no, mainly because he thinks FIL (very acrimoniously divorced from MIL and has recently been diagnosed with Alzheimer's) will struggle if MIL comes with back-up from cousin Lulu. He can just about cope with her on her own but DH thinks an extra strange person on her 'side' (MIL and Lulu were not in contact prior to PIL's divorce so he doesn't actually know her) will probably send him into a flap. If it comes down to it DH would rather have FIL happy than MIL plus Lulu in attendance.

So, he sent back a reply saying 'ideally not as will already be a squash' (this is true, we are mid-kitchen renovation - it was meant to be finished by now and is very much not) 'why don't you two come over earlier in the day instead?' MIL argued one more person wouldn't make a difference, DH doubled down, MIL insisted, DH insisted not... upshot is MIL is furious (turns out she had already invited Lulu) and has now said she won't come at all, will post DC's card, and is telling Lulu the whole thing is cancelled due to the kitchen not being finished.

Despite not being generally given to taking MIL's side in things I think DH may be being a bit unreasonable as:
1- we obviously could fit one more person in despite the kitchen situation, so it's a really rubbish excuse
2- FIL is quite likely to bail at the last minute anyway - he has always been a bit flaky with social events and now quite often doesn't feel up to it at the last minute
3- having let the inviting random people to things go on for ages without telling her it annoys him, it's slightly harsh of DH to dig his heels in now when it's actually an event she's really bothered about.

Anyway, I am being outwardly supportive of DH because I think this actually all has a lot more to do with how he's feeling about his dad's diagnosis than it does to do with MIL or Lulu, but privately I think he is being a bit unreasonable!

YABU: DH is fully justified in refusing to back down and let MIL bring Lulu
YANBU: DH ought to pick a different hill to die on

MIL sounds difficult (putting it mildly). I'm guessing she has form for making any event all about her and her preferences? If she'd rather throw her toys out of the pram and not come to her grandchild's first birthday, rather than uninviting the cousin, then I'm not surprised your husband has put his foot down on this.

I’m with DH too. First time it happened maybe but it’s not is it? Plus your MIL knows when it is her DGS’s 1st birthday so I think she engineered it all (again!). It’s disrespectful to you bringing random people to your family events without asking before she promises them an invite.

Presumably she knows the date of her dgc’s birthday and has deliberately invited Lulu therefore, thinking she’ll bring her. I think Dh needs to tell her to stop inviting random extras so that she gets the idea. This would drive me nuts. My dm used to do it and caused a massive fall out when she wanted to bring her student lodgers to a family christening. It is not up to your mil who comes to your house and her trying to insist is absolutely outrageous.

MIL sounds a bit difficult, but she and DH had a modus vivendi that worked, until the situation arose where he felt he had to lie to her, and she probably realised he was lying, about his reasons for turning the cousin away, which maybe upset her more than the refusal itself. They'll just have to sort it out between themselves. She'll need to know about FIL, and that that might limit additional visitors, eventually.

he thinks she'll either gloat in a poorly concealed manner or go on and on with faux concern about it if she knows (I suspect she would do both).

This shows just how right DH is. That makes her sound like a really nasty cow. He’s known her a lot longer than you have, it’s admirable he’s drawing a line and you’re right to realise he deserves your support and agreement. His poor dad. It’s such a cruel disease. I hope FIL does feel about to come and celebrate with you.

The situation only worked in the past because she was left unchallenged and got her own way.

Also she really doesn't need to know about his medical situation it's none of her business.

They'll only be able to keep it from her if they stop inviting her to family gatherings altogether. But it's up to DH, either way.

we dont all need to be so closed off to being charitable or flexible towards family members. Ah the old 'be kind' that only ever runs one way.... be flexible to MILs tantrums, sod FIL?

So you are a people pleaser?
Your MIL sounds unpleasant and no it is not her right to bring randomers.
The fact she might gloat about your FIL is particularly ugly.
Support your husband who is dealing with a lot.
Do not undermine him because you are a people pleaser and easily manipulated.

If you have an ounce of loyalty you will shut MIL down and make it very clear you support your poor husband.

Yes, live and let live only applies to the stroppy mares wanting to have the people they want. Doesn't apply to the people who planned the event they wanted, does it?

I asked my mum about Christmas plans to visit with our son. She shut it down saying she "wasn't making plans for Christmas yet" and in the same breath "we'll be coming down to you at NY" - which was news to me! I pointed out that we had plans with friends over NY.

The people bemoaning "inflexibility" are ALWAYS the ones who want things their way without deviation.

I'm sorry that both you and your DH have difficult mums to deal with.

Thank you for using the phrase 'in high dudgeon' though! It's definitely not used enough and it really paints a picture of the unreasonable behaviour.

I also like the phrase - and feel it conveys the exact level of bosom-hoiking that went on 😂.