I think DH is being (a bit) U to MIL... AIBU?

[AveAtqueVale]

DH and MIL have a tricky relationship but on the surface are fairly ok with each other and we see her usually every few weeks (or at least he and the DC do). It's our youngest DC's first birthday next week and she was invited over for birthday tea. She messaged the other day to say 'Thanks for the invite - I suppose it's ok if I bring cousin Lulu (names changed to protect the innocent) who is staying that weekend?' She does this quite often - bringing/ inviting extra people along to stuff - family days out etc. Usually presented as a fait accompli or as a 'you don't mind if Jessica joins us that day?' while Jessica is sitting there smiling at us, so it's impossible to say no! It drives DH mad but we have always just gone along with it to keep the peace.

Anyway, this time DH has decided to say no, mainly because he thinks FIL (very acrimoniously divorced from MIL and has recently been diagnosed with Alzheimer's) will struggle if MIL comes with back-up from cousin Lulu. He can just about cope with her on her own but DH thinks an extra strange person on her 'side' (MIL and Lulu were not in contact prior to PIL's divorce so he doesn't actually know her) will probably send him into a flap. If it comes down to it DH would rather have FIL happy than MIL plus Lulu in attendance.

So, he sent back a reply saying 'ideally not as will already be a squash' (this is true, we are mid-kitchen renovation - it was meant to be finished by now and is very much not) 'why don't you two come over earlier in the day instead?' MIL argued one more person wouldn't make a difference, DH doubled down, MIL insisted, DH insisted not... upshot is MIL is furious (turns out she had already invited Lulu) and has now said she won't come at all, will post DC's card, and is telling Lulu the whole thing is cancelled due to the kitchen not being finished.

Despite not being generally given to taking MIL's side in things I think DH may be being a bit unreasonable as:
1- we obviously could fit one more person in despite the kitchen situation, so it's a really rubbish excuse
2- FIL is quite likely to bail at the last minute anyway - he has always been a bit flaky with social events and now quite often doesn't feel up to it at the last minute
3- having let the inviting random people to things go on for ages without telling her it annoys him, it's slightly harsh of DH to dig his heels in now when it's actually an event she's really bothered about.

Anyway, I am being outwardly supportive of DH because I think this actually all has a lot more to do with how he's feeling about his dad's diagnosis than it does to do with MIL or Lulu, but privately I think he is being a bit unreasonable!

YABU: DH is fully justified in refusing to back down and let MIL bring Lulu
YANBU: DH ought to pick a different hill to die on

It’s their first birthday.

You need to back your husband up on this one. He is setting boundaries and you need to support him in doing that. And in case you’re tempted, absolutely 100% don’t go behind his back to mend fences, you will be showing him he can’t depend on you. Just stay out of it when you’re not asked about it and support him when directly asked/involved.

Ok, the other DC then. Would they want their granny to be at the birthday celebration or won't they mind either way?

Wow I can’t believe all the messages saying your husband is right to say no. If my dad called and said he had my niece staying and could he come along with her as well I’d say of course and think nothing more of it! People are way too uptight these days!!!!!

It's uptight to have boundaries? Your relationship with your dad is obviously not the same as the OPs husbands relationship with his mum and that's fine. She doesn't however get to just make unilateral decisions because she's his parent, he is allowed an opinion.

I also think you should support your DH here. Your fil can't help his condition and it may be one of the last times your DH gets the chance to share something like this with him. Why on earth would he allow someone else to take that away for no other reason than she wants her own way?
Your DH has offered a reasonable solution, it's his mother who is being unreasonable. She has to live with the consequences.
I would also think your DH needs your support as his world is changing and he will be doing the best he can to deal with both his parents in their new normal.

I agree with him too, he's finally putting some boundaries in place - sounds like it's well overdue.

But the fil has dementia and won't be able to cope with a stranger in the house.
The op's DH is not saying no because they are uptight. They are saying no because his ill father won't be able to cope.
If they said yes then they would, in effect, be excluding the child's grandfather.

It’s ok to have boundaries but I think he should have been honest about the reason he doesn’t think having Lulu there would be a good idea. It’s a bit lame to say it’s because of the kitchen when it’s just one extra person.
Having said that, it’s rude of MIL to just invite whoever she fancies.

His mum, his boundary. You’ve combined let her walk all over the pair of you for years. Now dh has found a nice shiny spine.

He offered an alternative. I think you have to back him.

why does she bring someone so often? Is she uncomfortable with the dynamic too?

She had no right to invite anyone. It's your house you do the invites. Sounds like MIL is the problem here.

I probably wouldn't have a problem with cousin Lulu coming but it's your DHs family and his drama to sort out so I'd probably just keep quiet about it! Especially as he's dealing with FIL diagnosis which is stressful and worrying 😟 try and stay out of the drama and enjoy your little one's first birthday!

What about dad? Where does dad fit in all this? You'd much rather have the plus one (Lulu) there to make your mum happy, fair enough but at the detriment to dad who recently diagnosed with Alzheimers?

Because thats what's been explained?

You may prefer your own mum to your dad, but this situation has nuance.

OP support DH, his mum is out of order, and the petulant strop (I'm not coming now) is manipulative 101. Hes obviously dealt with it before.

Personally I would let her come with Lulu as this has been 'the norm' for so long, but I'd be making it very clear to her that this is the last time she suggests or asks to bring someone. That enough is enough and she doesn't get to dictate who she brings to events, all discussed privately and ahead of time moving forward.
While I completely agree with your DH I just don't think it will be worth the fall out and she might cooperate going forward rather than digging her heels in.

I think overall it’s okay/healthy for your husband to make this kind of boundary clear, even if the timing isn’t ideal. Ultimately, your MIL cared more about her friend’s feelings than her son’s and that is quite telling about the dynamic he has to deal with. Having watched a similar situation play out, I think it’s easy to see it as a series of small ‘sacrifices’ but it can really add up. This may all be wrapped up in a lot of childhood stuff for your husband that has caused years and years of frustration. Plus, as you mention, his feelings re his dad may be exacerbating any issues.

I don’t think you’re being unfair though. Do you think you’re feeling the way you do because you want your MIL there or because you’re a people pleaser and don’t like the discomfort of the situation? I say this without judgement as I am massive people pleaser!

The only time I would ask ds if I could bring someone to a birthday celebration for dgs, would be if the extra person was another family member that we all have a good relationship with. And I would ask ds before I asked the other person.
Your DH is absolutely right to be considering his dad's feelings. And if this cousin is unknown to your FIL, how well does DH, you and your dcs know them? Your mil has been allowed to get away with overstepping in the past and now assumes she can carry on inviting extras to your events. Good on DH for finally saying no.
Edited for typo.

I would back your husband on this. My mil would do this- we had a tiny birthday for my youngest, no cousins, and she asks if dbil and son can come. She is just prioritising other grandchildren over ours and other children over my dh even when it’s my dds birthday, it happens all the time. It doesn’t matter how serious the occasion- if she really wanted to go why didn’t she say ok just me then and come?? This is on her playing favourites and a power play. Party on without her. And if she says ‘I can’t/couldnt upset lulu ‘ the response is ‘you were fine with upsetting dh so I don’t see why you couldn’t upset lulu, it’s almost like dhs feelings don’t matter.’

Ok I agree IABU! I was a bit on the fence because I am a massive people-pleaser/ extremely susceptible to guilt-trips (well-trained by my own family of origin 🙄) and was feeling a bit sorry for MIL after her latest 'woe is me' text about it all. But actually you're all absolutely right. And in general I usually wish DH would stand up to her/ put his foot down about more, so IABVU to be wibbling about it now.

To clarify a few things - he didn't want to tell MIL the real problem would be FIL coping because she doesn't know about the Alzheimer's diagnosis. He hasn't wanted to tell her because it's FIL's private medical information and he would absolutely hate her to know, and also because he thinks she'll either gloat in a poorly concealed manner or go on and on with faux concern about it if she knows (I suspect she would do both).

Birthday DC's older siblings would be pleased to see MIL if she came (and probably also Lulu) but would be equally pleased to see them earlier in the day, and will not be bothered or upset they aren't at the party.

I think she brings people partly as moral/ emotional support (she hates not having someone to talk to/at at all times so if there is any danger of that brings an extra bod for the purposes 😂), especially at the odd occasion where she might not know everyone - but mostly because she likes 'showing off'... I'm not sure what? The DC? Us? Her relationship with us that lets her just include people? She did it with same DC's baptism earlier this year - a friend who we'd literally met once before - but a couple of people weren't able to come last minute so it didn't really make a difference, and we just went with it.

I generally find her quite difficult, but have been much less bothered about the random extras than DH, probably because I grew up in a family where we always seemed to have random extras at every event, and boundaries generally are seen as rudeness 😂. My mother is still outraged that I asked her to call ahead if she wanted to pop in when she kept turning up unannounced and interrupting DS1's naps when he was a baby (he is now 11). She went home in high dudgeon the first time I said actually it wasn't convenient (after refusing to call ahead as asked) and still periodically brings it up as an example of my EXTREMELY odd behaviour since growing up and doing things differently to how she would (ie wrongly)... OTOH DH thinks that when he was growing up MIL would have found it very rude/ annoying for someone to keep inviting extras along to things, and therefore finds it even more annoying that she does it to us now!

Glad it wasn’t just me singing that!

Am also TeamDH here. Uninvited Lulu on the birthday is the straw that broke the camel’s back when he’s already upset with DF’s diagnosis. MiL has overstepped (again).

I guess the only question I’d have is - does MiL invite these random people because they then drive her or something?

This. Why on earth does she need to bring an entourage with her every time? Ask her.

I try and do most things to avoid a drama, so I would have let Lulu come, I’d shove her in the corner with a glass of Prosecco and I just wouldn’t let it bother me. Your MIL bringing an old cousin to a one year old’s party (for what, two hours?) is just not a big deal. Don’t get me wrong I would moan and think it’s a bit weird but I’d slag her off behind her back, messaging someone ‘no you can’t bring her’ is bound to cause an argument. Does she want to bring ‘a friend’ as moral support because she knows her ex DH will be there?

Now there’s a fall out to deal with and I know some families thrive on that, so sometimes it’s easier to let things go.

Your husband isn't being unreasonable. Some situations its OK to invite others to, although it's polite to ask first. But a kids birthday tea is not OK (unless the relative is very close to the child and even then - you ask first)

it's slightly harsh of DH to dig his heels in now when it's actually an event she's really bothered about.

If she was really bothered about it, she’d apologise to Lulu and come anyway.

I understand where you’re coming from but someone has to break the chain of people pleasing/having no boundaries, and as you and DH are not doing it, you’re passing that on to your children.

It’s hard to do what he’s done, and even harder without spousal support. Ignore the “woe is me” messages, and use this as the start of a new leaf. Don’t pass this generational rubbish down to your children.

It shows clearly how ridiculous this all is that she’s having a tantrum about it and fully expecting you all to just give in like usual.

You do not insist that you bring extra guests to someone else’s house. You don’t have that right. It is entitled and rude.