Menopause or ND or both?

[Modestandatinybitsexy]

Please help. Tiktok has helped convince me something is not right (along with my husband!)

Bit of background: growing up I was never troublesome, upper set without really trying, small group of friends. Friends felt harder from sixth form onwards. Uni felt hard without the structure of school and I didn’t do as well as I could have. Been with DH since sixth form. Never been a tidy person.

In the last week I’ve missed two appointments despite having them in the calendar (one for the wrong time!). My house is permanently messy. Washing gets washed but never really put away. I can keep on top of the kids rooms but not my own and the kitchen is hit and miss.

I’m always tired. Feel stressed. I cried at work because I might have to leave my job, even though I love it, but the room can reach 30c+ in the summer and I can’t face that again.

PMS has been hitting especially hard the last few months leading to explosive arguments with DH even though we hardly ever fight otherwise.

I’m at the end of my tether with it all. Booked in at the drs to talk about perimenopause though DH keeps sending me these “You know you’re autistic when…” TikTok’s that hit a bit close to home. AIBU What is wrong with me?!

Or neither?

Oh and it’s my birthday today. Just turned 37.

If your house is permanently messy, it sound like your husband isnt keeping on top of things either...

@EileenBiltonno, you’re right. We’re both in a bit of a rut. Do a big tidy up at weekends but it doesn’t last. And last weekend didn’t get through everything so drowning in washing and feeling extra overwhelmed. I think about the mess ALL THE TIME but this never translates to getting it done unless we have the external motivation of someone coming over. DH’s the neater one of the two of us.

I’m sorry you’re finding things so tough OP. Working mum life isn’t for the faint hearted, so try to be kind to yourself.

I can relate to a lot of what you’re saying - right down to me keeping on top of the DC’s bedrooms, but I have a mind block about my own bedroom!
My PMS also got really bad in my late 30s and I have since been diagnosed with PMDD. Suspect perimenopause it also at play now, since I am now mid 40s.

I also have some strongly ND traits. Sometimes I wonder though - is ND really increasing in the population or is modern life just too overwhelming? We struggle to keep things tidy… but I read somewhere the the average household has literally hundreds of thousands of items in it… is it any wonder that some of us struggle to keep the is in order?

Happy birthday.

As someone who is autistic and has ADHD, I knew I had a long time before I even knew what the symptoms were called.

Or your two working parents with young kids?

It could be neither. I am naturally a messy person. I grew up in a house where my mum got the hoover out every time there was a crum on the floor. I forget appointments too. I once had to go to the hospital for a tooth abstraction. I didn't put it in my calender as i thought that they would confirm the appointment by email like my normal dentist. Anyway i got no email and i turned up a week early. I have months where my pms is really bad. It always seems to be bad in the colder months.

We seem to live in a world where we have to find an excuse, a label or a reason for everything. Maybe you're just untidy? Some people are, some people aren't. It doesn't need a label. Either do something about it and make an effort to be more tidy or accept you're not tidy.

Living in a a bit of a shit hole is going to impact your quality of life and happiness OP. Bugger all to do with hormones or ND.

I am very anal about my home, but I bloody love it and it gives me a wonderful sense of peace and happiness being in it and coming back to it. If it wasn’t like this, I’d feel grumpy, down and up in the air. It wouldn’t be because I’m peri (I am) or any ND

Essentially - this

ADHD is exacerbated by menopause

Or maybe being a working mum with limited support is just hard. Could you afford a cleaner?

Obviously none of us can diagnose you on here. But nothing you have said really suggests autism or peri. What you do sound like is someone with a lot on her plate, a stressful job, kids, a husband who doesn’t sound particularly supportive and keener to tell you there’s something “wrong” with you than help you out.

If you want to explore the possibility of autism or peri, start with your GP. But do bear in mind that the way ND is presented on social media can be really misleading and encourages everyone to believe that they are ND by suggesting that the normal difficulties we all face in life are actually symptoms.

I have been wondering the same thing over the past couple of years ( 55). I struggle with loud noises, forget things, can be too abrupt and get overwhelmed very quickly. I think it’s menopause because I don’t recall being like this in my 20s-40s. You could ask your DH if you have always been like this, or indeed why he is sending you all this information as he isn’t a doctor either. But probably a more sensible step is to go to your doctors and get your hormones checked to see if you are actually peri or menopausal.

Even if you are ND (and you sound more ADHD than autistic) or going through early menopause, get your house emptied of the stuff and it’ll be 1000 times easier for you BOTH to handle.

Thanks everyone for the replies. It’s helped get my head in order before I talk to the drs.

@GeorgeMichaelsMicStandunfortunately the mess is mostly washing and sometimes dishes so unfortunately can’t cut down on much. The only other thing that overwhelms me is sorting out what to keep and what to lose of the kids stuff.

Thinking I’ll go to the drs about Peri. Hopefully that helps sort this medley of emotions and wait and see what happens.

And if I am ND I resonate quite strongly with AuDHD (autism socially - though probably just introverted - and ADHD when it comes to routines and motivation) BUT I’ve managed so far so unlikely that even a dx would make a difference anyway.

So no intention to just roll your sleeves up and actually see this is a project to make your house a pleasant home and see the impact that has on your MH first?

People are born with Autism and ADHD. If you got by fine in school it's unlikely that you are ND. Life is hard as a working parent. Most parents prioritise their children (as you have in keeping their rooms tidy) and when your juggling DC, work and homelife some balls are usually dropped.
Being messy and forgetting appointments isn't an indication of Autism anyway, some autistic people struggle with it, some are very strict in routine with great memory and anxiety around missing appointments/being late so are always where they need to be and always have a clean home.

If you got by fine in school it's unlikely that you are ND.

This is total bollocks. For women especially. It’s not uncommon for ND women to do fine in school but the wheels come off later at university / work when there’s a lot less structure and much more is down to the individual.

Today
right now
pull on your marigolds and clear out a cupboard and clean a bathroom

My bathroom and kitchen ARE clean. In fact everywhere is clean because we’ve had people over for my birthday. It’s just not apparently a sustainable state for our house.

Why? If it is right now, just keep on top of it.

There is no secret Op. it takes effort day in and day out.

And what about the bedrooms? Get a bin bag and crack on with one room. This afternoon.

this whole thread is about how I struggle to do this. I am NOT anal, it doesn’t come naturally to me. I am not a dirty person, though I obviously don’t live up to your standards.

My house is clean but not tidy. I hired a cleaner and found that tidying my house was the stressful part.

I am asking specifically about ADHD or perimenopause because I’ve been feeling like there’s something wrong with me for a while but I don’t know what it is. You are only helping to highlight this so thank you.

You want me to throw all my clean clothes away?