Menopause or ND or both?

[Modestandatinybitsexy]

Please help. Tiktok has helped convince me something is not right (along with my husband!)

Bit of background: growing up I was never troublesome, upper set without really trying, small group of friends. Friends felt harder from sixth form onwards. Uni felt hard without the structure of school and I didn’t do as well as I could have. Been with DH since sixth form. Never been a tidy person.

In the last week I’ve missed two appointments despite having them in the calendar (one for the wrong time!). My house is permanently messy. Washing gets washed but never really put away. I can keep on top of the kids rooms but not my own and the kitchen is hit and miss.

I’m always tired. Feel stressed. I cried at work because I might have to leave my job, even though I love it, but the room can reach 30c+ in the summer and I can’t face that again.

PMS has been hitting especially hard the last few months leading to explosive arguments with DH even though we hardly ever fight otherwise.

I’m at the end of my tether with it all. Booked in at the drs to talk about perimenopause though DH keeps sending me these “You know you’re autistic when…” TikTok’s that hit a bit close to home. AIBU What is wrong with me?!

Thank you. This is why I asked. I don’t feel right. I feel wrong but I’m struggling to see what it is.

Oh do give over.
You aren’t being helpful. It’s the equivalent of telling an overweight person to just stop eating so much.

🙄

Yes OP, that is exactly what I meant

You have given the impression your home is pretty bloody squalid throughout 🤷‍♀️

But the OP is jumping straight to peri or nd rather than… we need to do a damn sight more housework, as a team.

Is it wrong to find this funny on a thread asking about being ND? I mean, you've got to expect the OP to take what you say fairly literally 😂

You could be ND, mine got worse at perimenopause. When I first found out I was probably ND I was really into looking at myself through that lens. I'm kind of bored of it now, but that probably the ADHD! As I was late diagnosed there is a part of me now that just goes, oh, yeah, I'm still me. Still being a bit strange. So it's helpful and not helpful at the same time if that makes sense?

Why does it have to be ND and not just someone looking for shadows? Very thin skin?

It doesn't, I didn't say that anywhere in my post?

I would have thought it’s unlikely to be peri at 37, although appreciate there are some cases.

I saw a tshirt the other day that said “undiagnosed but something ain’t right” and it kind of sums up how I’ve felt about myself for a long time. I don’t fall into a typical category of neurodivergence but I do think I struggle with life more than the average person.

I’ll tell you what’s worked for me. Being ultra organised. Having a system to work through email admin. Having a clear division of labour with DH so there’s no confusion over who is doing what. Have a meal plan on the wall so everyone knows what we are eating and when. Having a timetable of the kids clubs on the wall so we all know where we are meant to be. Having a few things that are non-negotiable so for example, I won’t go to bed until the washing up is done so I don’t start my day with a sink full. The other thing I do is manage my diet closely because I don’t react well with junk, timetable in 2 exercise classes a week that I’m committed to attending and set my alarm 7 days a week to ensure I always sleep well.

When it comes to a messy home I really do agree with the people who say tackle an area at a time. A draw. A cupboard. A room. Chipping away does make a difference after a while.

OP I’ve been diagnosed as an adult with ADHD and ASD. Part of the diagnosis criteria is symptoms being present in childhood (there’s a whole section on it in the assessment), and also symptoms having a significant impact on your life. If you haven’t had symptoms in childhood then you likely haven’t got ASD or ADHD as they are lifelong conditions. Menopause can make it worse, and can also come with its own challenges that aren’t anything to do with ND.

Thanks @Tamfsdid you get officially diagnosed and medicated? I’m struggling go see if it would help.

It’s just not apparently a sustainable state for our house.

Which doesn't point to autism or peri-meno.

How about you and your husband make a combined effort, if a clean and tidy house is what you both really want? Some people live in a shit tip, and they're not bothered by it. It's an individual choice, nothing to do with neurodivergence.

I'm autistic, diagnosed, not self identified, and my home is always clean and tidy. Everything has its place. DH and I make every effort to ensure our home remains that way so that it's a pleasant and peaceful environment at all times.

We are all different, NT and/or ND, and we all have different standards. The housework should not just fall to you. It's not 'wife work'.

Also, why does everything need a diagnosis? You, and him, might just be disorganised/lazy/not think housework is a priority/have better things to do/be too overwhelmed etc etc

PS - time wasted on TikTok would be better spent washing the dishes or sorting out a load of washing. That applies to your husband as well.

Just to also highlight. I’ve been incredibly down this week. A combination of PMS and the weather changing has had me bursting into tears for very little reason all week.

I’m not usually so ‘thin skinned’ but posters telling me to just get on with it are missing the point.

I know there’s a problem, that’s why I posted but can we please scale back the pile on?

I did get officially diagnosed but I have ADHD and Autism, so I have different strengths and weakness in both. I do not have medication because my feeling for my particular profile is that it will just bring out my autistic side more.

The most helpful thing I found was to just accept myself, and the diagnosis helped me with that. I do see the points others are making about not jumping to ND, even though I'm being flippant about it, but it prevented me from seeking diagnosis for a long long time and I would have had answers sooner (either way!).

In view of your latest post, it might be a good idea for you to see your GP.

I know!! I’m asking what’s wrong with me so I can tell the drs instead of going on a confusing ramble like this thread

The great thing is that ND or not there are lots of resources to help you, because lots of other people share the same problems. Some bloggers / you-tubers you might want to look at are Dana K. White - A slob comes clean, Clutterbug, Minimal mom, there are lots of others too & a you-tube video or podcast can be great to have on to motivate you whilst you work on something in the home.

I don't know how old your children are, I really struggled with the mess when mine were primary and younger, it seemed like any effort I put in was counter-acted and they had so many toys.

I do think that it is hard for many people these days, because of the amount of possessions people have, my parents generation had so much less, modern homes are also smaller with fewer cupboards and many mothers also work outside the home, which was less common a generation ago. There is a theory that we all have a level of stuff that we can manage, and beyond that it will be chaos, this level is individual to you, this makes sense to me when I consider how I struggle and how others I know don't struggle.

Being in a messy environment is also said to be a cause of stress for many people, particularly women, so it maybe that your home is contributing to your emotional struggles.

Some people find setting an alarm and having a mad blitz of tidying once or twice a day, for 10 or 15 minutes helpful. It is amazing how much laundry you can put away in 10 minutes when you make that your focus. Having less clothes can also help with this, it is much easier to put the clothes away when the drawers are only 2/3rds or 3 quarters full. (I really struggle with parting with clothes, so this is very much a work in progress for me, but vacuum packing away out of season stuff helps).

For me on the scheduling, stuff is on the wall calendar so everyone knows what is happening, but I have to use my phone calendar and set reminders - I have weekly reminders that its bin night and to top up my children's school meal accounts. Things like medical appointments have to be in my phone calendar too, with a first thing in the morning reminder and a reminder ahead of when I need to leave, not just the actual appointment time.

I hope some of this is helpful to you and that you are able to be kind to yourself and accept that whilst this stuff is easy for some people, it is not easy for everyone and you are not alone in struggling with this stuff.

I mean, you've got to expect the OP to take what you say fairly literally 😂

The op says combination of PMS and change in weather.

Thank you, this is all really helpful.

It's literally in the diagnostic criteria that struggles have to have been present since early childhood.

Yes exactly, it doesn’t just appear out of nowhere, it’s a lifelong condition. Life events or situations may highlight traits but they will always have been there. A big part of my assessment for both ASD and ADHD was focused on my childhood. Getting good grades though doesn't have much to do with it, I got good grades throughout school but had huge struggles and issues with school, socially and home life growing up.

That doesn’t mean that the struggles are academic/at school.My grades were excellent at school (to the extent where I was offered at place at Oxbridge) but I still struggled with ADHD (and have had a formal diagnosis since). ADHD is much more complex than “you can’t have ADHD if you got by fine at school”.

Can't and unlikely aren't the same. Getting by fine at school also means more than managing academically, it includes managing socially and understanding rules and expectations.

"My grades were excellent at school (to the extent where I was offered at place at Oxbridge) but I still struggled with ADHD"

You still struggled at school, so it was present in childhood?

Random people on the internet can't diagnose what's up medically, if anything.

What you can do is make a list to take to your GP - PMS, lowered mood, (possibly due to season change, SAD), and just general inability stay on top of things like household chores.

GP's are used to dealing with confusing rambles. It's their job to extract relevant information when people go off on a tangent.

So PMS and struggling with change in bad weather

and both you and your husband messy