To think that I have very little control over my childrens' appearance at school

[Hermioneshouseelf]

I guess I know the answer to this already really because from experience of when I was at school, my parents had very little control over how I looked once I was at school, particularly as far as uniform was concerned.
But now as a parent I'm finding out what it's like to be at the other end of it, and I'm not sure what I can do.
I have 3 daughters, 2 at primary school and one just started year 8. They've all had to wear the same type of uniform since starting school, shirt, tie, skirt, etc. Eldest has to wear a blazer for high school too.
My issue is that I'm not sure how to insist/enforce how it's worn. The primary school is pretty relaxed about uniform rules so the youngest daughters seldom have their ties done up fully and by the time they come out of school their shirts are untucked too. Once the eldest started high school I did try to make sure that she had her uniform in accordance with the rules, ie. shirt tucked into her skirt, top button done up with her tie, etc. But I'll be honest in that because of a hectic morning routine and having to sometimes leave the eldest to sort herself out whilst I drop the other 2 either at school or childminder, it isn't always possible to do the before school checks with her. So things have slipped a bit and I know that she's often gone to school with her shirt out under her jumper and her top button undone. And provided that her tie and top button undone have looked reasonably smart then I've left it.
But my eldest is now in a situation where she's getting uniform detentions for not adhering to the rules and I'm feeling responsible for that by not policing it all. And like I said I do realise that children change their uniforms on the way to school but I don't want her to get into more trouble.
What do other parents do?

If she chooses to not wear the uniform in the correct way, then she gets a detention. She's old enough to not have mummy policing it.

By year 8 she is making her own decisions about her appearance. As long as you are providing proper uniform that fits then I’d say you’ve done your bit. If she decides that it is more important to leave a button undone than to leave school on time then that’s on her.

Nothing. If she gets detentions for uniform infringements, that’s her problem, not yours- assuming she knows what the uniform expectations are!

She makes her own decisions and deals with the consequences.
Different when they are in year R, but at this stage as long as you are buying what they need then the rest is down to them

Its not your problem your dd knows the rules and is old enough to follow them or face the consequences. If she chooses to keep ignoring them she will continue to get detentions, eventually she will learn.
All you can do is remind her that the choices she makes will have consequences for her

She’s at an age where she will need to accept the consequences of her actions. In year 8, Dd use to roll her skirt the minute she had left my sight, but soon stopped when the dentitions started happening.

She's year 8. She knows what she's doing. If there is a sensory issue, you should approach the SEN department (I had to get a jumper pass for my DD because she couldn't bear the feeling of a jumper underneath a blazer). But if she's just choosing to ask wear her uniform in a way that breaks the rules, there's not much you can do.

As long as you reinforce that you support the school, and that she needs to wear her uniform correctly, then if she gets detention, it's tough. I wouldn't be doing fun stuff if she's getting detentions though.

You do your job by providing the uniform and making sure it's clean and dry when needed. What she does at school is up to her, if she gets detentions it's her problem.

Your job is to make sure that she has the right uniform available, and that it is kept reasonably clean and repaired if necessary. She's old enough to start learning how to use the washing machine herself.
You can encourage cleanliness and decent standards of grooming ( eg clean face, teeth and hair, and show her how to do her own plaits/neat pony tail if she isn't already on top of this.
But it's her choice how to do up her tie, and whether to tuck in her shirt. If her choices lead to detention, then that's on her. It's up to the school to police how she wears uniform, if it really bothers them.

As a teacher and a parent of two teenagers I would say continue to nag them about it, make it clear if the flout the rules you will support the school sanctions and it they do it repeatedly you will add your own because you would like them to concentrate on their education rather than playing games with the teachers.

As a teacher I am told off by slt if members of my tutor group have incorrect uniform, if I don't challenge it it has direct impact on my job.

As a parent and a teacher I couldn't care less if their socks have a logo on and whatever the uniform is is irrelevant to me. But, I do agree with uniform to remove the stigma and stress of children needing the latest brands and all the anxiety that creates. If they all have the same crap looking uniform they are all in the same boat. I do agree that all the branded uniform is overpriced and that needs to be addressed further.

I will continue to proved logo free socks and not be that parent that send the tutor a barage of emails about wellbeing and mental health because they don't want to bollock their own child for repeatedly wearing the Nike socks.

I will also continue to uphold whatever uniform policy my school has because that is my job. I would appreciate a little less abuse from parents about it. If you don't want your daughters mental health ruined because she is refusing to take out her nose stud and is being isolated until she does then don't let her get a bloody nose stud at 13 years old I the first place.

Apart from the fact the whole concept of a detention over uniforms is the biggest lot of bullshit going - you're right. You don't have control over it. You can do all the reminders in the world but ultimately it's up to her.

I think at that age it’s up to her to make sure that she is following the rules. Like a pp said it’s your job to make sure she has the stuff available.

It’s a learning experience hopefully she’ll start to take it more seriously if there are consequences for not doing it.

It does click at some point my eldest dc would go into primary school looking normal and come out looking like social services need to have a chat as covered in dirt, paint, bit of lunch. He does army cadets now and irons all his uniforms including school shirts.

If she doesn’t want a detention, then she has to wear her uniform properly. I’m not sure why you’d need to police it, assuming she’s actually capable of dressing herself? The way she’s dressing is a choice, so the consequences are hers to deal with.

School uniform detentions are the absolute maddest thing about schools in the UK.

For your eldest daughter, your only responsibility is to show your DD what the uniform should look like when she is wearing it, and remind her when she gets detentions that she knows how she should wear the uniform but has chosen to wear it differently.

You can't police it. If she gets a detention for it, then that's her own fault. Don't worry about it. Hopefully she'll learn. Personally I'd probably think of some fun things that happen if she gets home on time so that she's missing out by being in detention. You may not want to be that mean though!

At that age your job is to provide the correct uniform. Hers is to wear it properly. If she isn’t and gets in trouble that’s her fault.

"Concentrate on their education" eh?

How is any of the fussing over silly uniforms conducive to focus on education?

@mathanxiety Most teachers will agree with you. However, as the PP pointed out, we have to enforce the rules. I frequently tell the kids that the uniform isn't my rule: they still have to follow it and I'm still going to sanction them if they don't. The basic reasoning is about making them feel equal and like they belong, whether or not you agree with that.

Feel free to try to find a school without a uniform. Otherwise, all you can do is make sure your DC can follow the rules and know what the rules are. The rest is up them.

Detention for an untucked shirt does seem excessive unless it's a repeated incident. At my school, things like that would get a warning recorded in the student's planner, 3 warnings meant a detention - that seems fair to me. There are rules in life that we all have to follow or face the consequences. Children need to learn that they sometimes need to follow rules they find pointless or just disagree with. How they deal with the consequences of following/ ignoring the rules will inform how they develop and deal with 'unfair' situations as adults.

Bizarre to have gone from 'wearing the uniform' to 'wearing the uniform properly'. Punitive nonsense.

Totally this and it’s baffling that you think you bear any responsibility for this. Presumably she understands her school’s rules about uniform as well as the consequences for not sticking to them. Tell her that you support the schools stance and wash your hands of it.

I wouldn’t feel at all responsible.

You’ve provided the uniform.
She is choosing not to wear it correctly.
She can have any consequences.

If she complained to me, I’d sympathise and agree that ties are ridiculous. But I’d say that rules are rules, and so unless a rule is actively harmful, she should follow it or deal with the detention.

I'm a teacher and not a fan of uniform, especially the more petty rules, but the school has it's policies and she will have to stick to them if she doesn't want to keep getting detentions. She, not you. Schools know perfectly well that during the school day kids don't stay looking exactly as they did when you sent them out of the front door! She knows the rules, whether you enforce them in the morning or not. She's Y8, not an infant. If she's still not following uniform rules after several detentions, it's deliberate (assuming no additional needs).

I insist that ds goes in looking smart, I can't control if he comes out looking like he's been wrestling with a badger. He's still at primary though. By y8 you insist they go in looking smart and if they undo their tie/roll up their skirt during the day they face the school consequences. For me if they were getting repeat detentions for the same things there would be home consequences too. It's all very well to say that parents don't agree with uniforms, there are lots of small rules you might not agree with in life but you abide by them anyway, it's how a functioning society gets by. I'm not allowed to wear anything at work that's above the knee, low cut, heels, too much make up, any shoes that show my toes etc because I work with sex offenders. Other work places have various dress codes. Some even have uniform. It is what it is and not worth getting into a fuss at school over.