To think that I have very little control over my childrens' appearance at school

[Hermioneshouseelf]

I guess I know the answer to this already really because from experience of when I was at school, my parents had very little control over how I looked once I was at school, particularly as far as uniform was concerned.
But now as a parent I'm finding out what it's like to be at the other end of it, and I'm not sure what I can do.
I have 3 daughters, 2 at primary school and one just started year 8. They've all had to wear the same type of uniform since starting school, shirt, tie, skirt, etc. Eldest has to wear a blazer for high school too.
My issue is that I'm not sure how to insist/enforce how it's worn. The primary school is pretty relaxed about uniform rules so the youngest daughters seldom have their ties done up fully and by the time they come out of school their shirts are untucked too. Once the eldest started high school I did try to make sure that she had her uniform in accordance with the rules, ie. shirt tucked into her skirt, top button done up with her tie, etc. But I'll be honest in that because of a hectic morning routine and having to sometimes leave the eldest to sort herself out whilst I drop the other 2 either at school or childminder, it isn't always possible to do the before school checks with her. So things have slipped a bit and I know that she's often gone to school with her shirt out under her jumper and her top button undone. And provided that her tie and top button undone have looked reasonably smart then I've left it.
But my eldest is now in a situation where she's getting uniform detentions for not adhering to the rules and I'm feeling responsible for that by not policing it all. And like I said I do realise that children change their uniforms on the way to school but I don't want her to get into more trouble.
What do other parents do?

By Year 8 your responsibility ends when you buy the uniform and when you clean the uniform. Even then, it is perfectly reasonable to only clean the uniform she puts in the wash basket etc - it is not your job to be keeping track of how many shirts/skirts/jumpers are clean.

Once you send them in to school it is their job to stick to the rules or take the punishment!

First post nailed it.

My daughter wears fluffy socks over sports leggings, it certainly won't be me feeling bad if she's ever pulled up. She's been told... Not my issue, I managed to wear a shirt, tie and blazer 20 odd years ago.

Your eldest is capable of understanding cause and effect i.e. I don’t adhere to the uniform regulations so I will receive a sanction. As long as you know you have provided the correct uniform the rest is up to her.

@BoarBrush Why don’t you take the socks away from her?

Seriously?

Lads don't go round with their arse cheeks hanging out so there's no reason for girls too either.

I would think in high school it’s her problem. If she chooses detention then that’s on her. What would you even do about it if you wanted to?

@DinaofCloud9 My attempt at irony? Obviously too obscure - unlike the girls’ cheeks! I do actually think schools should deal with DDs exposing too much. Where did this trend come from? I was at school in the days of the 60s mini skirt but bum length was not the norm. I’m at a loss regarding why DDs think this looks good. It’s making it easy for anyone to up skirt. Even me driving along the road and I’m a women. It’s yuk.

Talk to her about it but at the end of the day this is a lesson she needs to learn for herself. My DD broke makeup rules in year 7 and 8 and has started rolling her skirt up in year 9.... It's not a hill I am prepared to die on. I remind her of the rules as she leaves the house and if she gets a detention) has avoided it so far) it will be on her and I will expect her to take the punishment.

I would echo the other replies and say it’s no longer your problem, but I also think that if you had made sure their uniform was smart in the morning, and actually instilled these values in your children, they would actually give a crap about how their own uniform looks.

Oops sorry. Its been a long day lol.

Firstly, as others have said, you need to use an app like My Fitness Pal and track calories. Secondly, (not sure if others have already said this) you need to drop the snacks. No one needs snacks between meals or after dinner.

And your breakfast - pick one of the 3 items you list! You don't need alll 3!

You also don't mention exercise.

I know it's hard - I was 4 stone overweight at 48 (so not an easy age to lose weight at) but used My Fitness Pal and started C25K. In a few months I'd lost the 4 stone and run my first 10k!

Wrong thread?

There’s a reason they are giving her the detention and not you. This is her responsibility to manage.

What parents used to do (certainly when I was at school) was make it clear to kids that if they got in trouble at school they'd be in trouble at home too, and then leave the kids to make their own choices and suffer the consequences if they made the wrong ones.

Lots of things at school are designed to prepare kids for what they'll need to do in work: get up on time every day, be punctual, be polite, take the stuff you'll be needing today, prepare the stuff you'll need to know . . . and follow the dress code. Like the other things, if they get used to it now it'll be easier (automatic really) later.

My son is also in year 8 and he knows his school uniform rules better than I do. If your daughter isn't bothering then she deserves the detentions, if she can't do it them obviously help her, but also start investigating why she is struggling so much.

@ElsvietaParents don’t agree with the schools though. Also blazers? Gone from many offices now. Schools insisting on ties is out of date. Schools need to change and bring parents with them on what’s acceptable but some parents simply won’t care.

my son always kicked against uniform.

I bought the required uniform, and told him that if he chose not to wear it, or to adapt it once at school, then he had to deal with the consequences and I would back school up completely.

His approach was - if school don't enforce it, I'm not doing it.
So he wore black jeans instead of school trousers. Until the day that they announced they would be clamping down from Monday morning, and on Monday morning, every kid in jeans got a detention. He was wise enough to wear his school trousers form then on.

The only time I backed him was when we struggled to get school shoes because he was size 13 and had arch support issues.
But school was reasonable about it.

I think you have is backwards.
When I started teaching in the 1990s, very few schools had uniform. It came in more and more, and many schools that started with a sweatshirt and generic trousers have in recent years switched to blazers and ties.

The rise of academies has seen a matching rise in blazers and ties compared to more relaxed uniform, not just for secondary, but right down into primary school. I have sat in watched in puzzlement as more and more schools insist on a uniform that is both uncomfortable and impractical.

If she chooses to not wear the uniform in the correct way, then she gets a detention. She's old enough to not have mummy policing it.

This. As long as you are reinforcing the message at home that she needs to follow school rules, she's old enough to take the consequences

I think it’s important to help and guide when they are young so by the time they are older it’s become second nature. I just had a year 1 boy walking in front of us to school today and it was obvious he had dressed himself and no one stopped and looked and helped him tuck his tshirt in, get the collar turned down and flattened, get him properly buttoned up… He’s too young clearly and needs help. But the push to independence with these things too early often means they never learn properly.
Id keep teaching until they learn. (But uniform detentions are dumb.)

Why though? Why would the schools need the parents to agree? (The parents are never going to all agree with each other anyway). Why don't people think the schools should get to decide their rules for themselves?

Seems a pretty bad lesson for kids - "we only have to obey the rules we agree with". These are the kids who will be a nightmare when they go into employment, thinking everything should be arranged around their wishes (an increasingly common complaint from employers, these last few years).

The role of parents is to back up the authority of teachers, not undermine it. Well-behaved kids have parents who would give them hell if they showed them up by misbehaving at school. The kids who are a constant pain are the ones with the parents kicking up a fuss any time they're disciplined and teaching them the rules don't apply to them or that they should be able to change them by taking a vote.

Even if they don't end up in an environment where work is done in suits and ties, a lot of people have another kind of dress code - needing PPE for safety reasons, or maybe just wearing an ugly polo shirt or something (but having to look reasonably smart in it). It does nobody any harm to learn early on that sometimes, you just have to do as you're told. And like with being punctual and prepared and all the rest of it, good or bad habits are formed early on. If you've been used to it from early childhood, it's just natural and you don't even think about it; it's not difficult.

A school isn't a shop; kids aren't customers, and neither are parents. It's training for integrating into institutions, and into society. Parents who encourage kids to think otherwise are setting them up for a lot of trouble adjusting to adult life.

You mean your DD doesn’t listen to what you tell her to do? You have very little parental
control over her? Why not try and achieve so some.