To wonder what women mean when they say they want their bf/husband to be 'dominant' and 'take the lead'?

[TheKingOfTheCats]

I'm not talking about odd online tradwife stuff or strictly religious people who think wives should submit.

It's more that, while I'm not dating myself atm (& mainly date women) I'm interested in relationship dynamics generally & on SM & a lot of online dating advice (for m/f couples) I notice a lot of women saying they want a 'dominant' male partner who will 'take the lead'. Also some saying that men these days aren't dominant enough.

Don't look at male views so much, though quite a few do cite submissiveness as being attractive.

IRL I'm at uni atm & most of my friends w bfs don't seem to make a huge thing of this. They may like outward trappings like the boy being the one to ask out or organise dates, but generally don't seem to have an overall 'leader'.

What do people think?

Part of me thinks that a lot of it is US dynamics (a lot of it is US), as they seem to be more into gender roles there, and there may be crossover with the trad stuff.

I also think that a lot of women may understandably want the man to take more of a lead in the courtship stage to prove he's willing to commit & provide esp if she wants children and may be potentially vulnerable then.

I suppose I'm more thinking about women who feel to the need to be 'led' by a 'dominant man' well into an established relationship. It seems a bit depressingly antifeminist to me - after all, wasn't equal rights all about leaving behind retrograde ideas about the man being head of the household and the wife being submissive & obedient?

On here, I've often noticed women complain about 'DH not taking lead', but it seems generally to be a complaint about husbands who require their wives to organise & initiate everything, rather than wanting the husband to generally be the 'leader'.

We must be reading different things as I don’t see this specifically. Not that it means it’s not out there.

Although I’ve seen threads here where women state that unless a man pays for the first date, they’re not interested. I’m allergic to that sort of dynamic and would always choose a non-financial early date so it amazes me when people say it.

I do wonder if you’re right that it’s more common in the US: there seems to be more more overt keenness on restricted gender roles there.

I think most women I know would just like a man to take on equal responsibilities, too often women seem to to all the planning, organising, sorting out life stuff and men seem to sail along expecting everything to be done for them.

I don’t know any woman who wants/needs a man to take the lead, women just want an equal partner, and so often men aren’t actually that, they create more work and that’s just exhausting.

I think women might often mean they want someone who lives a varied and sociable life and will bring them along as part of that, not passive and expecting the woman to do all the decision making and planning. And sexually too, obviously many women would rather be in the passenger than the drivers seat.

This sums it up perfectly. It's nice to know your partner is just as able to step up and handle shit as you.are, because we all know women kick ass at it all😎

Everyone’s different. People want what they want. Not everyone cares about feminism, or whether it’s anti-feminist - people live their lives to please themselves, no one else.

You're at uni but posting weird convoluted waffle on mumsnet at 10pm on a Friday. Seems legit.

"A lot"?
OP, if this is a lazy way of conducting a Focus Group for your university studies, I admire your chutzpah!

Haha! See my post! 🙌🏼

If someone said they were looking for a ‘dominant’ man, I’d actually wonder whether they just meant a man who took the initiative, planned things, was proactive, didn’t need to wait to be asked, wasn’t afraid of responsibilities and all the rest of it. A v v common issue my female friends have with male partners is the man never plans holidays, days out, doesn’t have a clue what’s going on with the kids/house/family/dog etc. So I wonder if for some women, wanting a ‘dominant man’ actually means wanting a man that puts in equal effort to the average woman.

I'd say I was a feminist, so is my DH. You could describe him as dominant. Other synonyms would be dependable, reliable, capable, independent, responsible, mature, opinionated, strong

I like him very much 😁

I'm a lot older than you, OP.

In the relationships I had in my early-mid twenties things were pretty equal and so didn't really give this a lot of thought.

Once I'd had kids the dynamic shifted. I felt that my exdh put all his 'dominant male' energy into his career and expected me to lead on everything else (typical woman carrying the mental and emorional load) and yet defer to him as the 'man of the house', which I hated. I lost respect.

Current partner (separate houses) treats me like the best thing since sliced bread, shows initiative and takes the lead at times, as I do at others. I feel respected and I respect him.

So I tend to agree that most women want an equal partner.

I want a confident man, someone who knows what they’re doing in business and socially, isn’t afraid to make decisions, at the same time valuing me and my opinion. Someone I look up to. My mum makes all the decisions and does everything for my dad. I definitely don’t want that.

Tbf I don't think I've actually seen that much of this kind of stuff on here. And when I have, it seems to be much more about a man never taking the lead rather than the woman always wanting to be led.

The paying thing is definitely not my thing but I suppose some women see it as a sign of commitment...? I don't agree that much but I can rationalise it better than this nebulous stuff about wanting a 'dominant leader'.

I do think that a lot of this US stuff crosses over w the trad (and at the extreme, redpill stuff) but also w the so-called 'womanosphere' which essentially encourages women to act in certain ways to covertly achieve their aims. Imo a lot of online dating coach/advice stuff reminds me of the tradwife influences who were exposed as no living traditional lives at all IRL but playacting to get engagement (often dressed provocatively to attract male viewers). Similarly, female dating coaches or even more suspicious 'influencers' who preach this kind of stuff often seem to be advocating women behave that way to attract a rich man. Reminded me of the borderline-sugarbaby advice that the infamous Female Dating Strategy would give (I think I read here that it was actually run at least partially by sugarbabies).

Online 'trad' wives aren't trad wives - whatever that even means.

'Trad' wives don't have social media account or followers.

They're just influencers with a provocative message and a desire to build a following. If you're watching them then you're part of the problem.

What is this bilge?

Exactly. It feels like an odd way of putting pretty standard expectations.

Similarly, I've seen clickbaity type US stuff where the woman says she learnt to 'submit' to her husband (I think this comes from that awful Surrendered Wife woman) and in practice seems to mean she stopped constantly criticising/trying to control him. Really weird to frame that as 'submission'.

Or I saw an odd discussion once (again on a US forum, I think Reddit) where men were asking if 'a girl becomes more submissive when she likes you'. A lot of women replied yes, but what many seemed to mean was that they felt more open/relaxed. Men surely feel similar in that situation, which isn't, oddly, framed as 'submissive'. 🙄

I think this is also tied to that awful TilTok masculine/feminine energy trend which feels like hippie/woo attempt to repackage ancient sexist ideas. Ofc the hippies were pretty sexist, it's basically 2 sides of the same coin...

I don't watch trad wives 🤣 , but I do follow some stuff on YouTube which reports on this type of content. I think it'd important to be aware given that unluckily a lot of US stuff comes here, esp via online content.

I get that, I do think a lot of it is probs that, expressed in an odd way though often. I was thinking of general life more than sex, since women often like men to be at least somewhat more dominant in sex but wouldn't want that dynamic elsewhere.

Ha, that would be a funny assignment.

I know it's odd for someone my age to be here but I honestly like it a lot. I originally came here bc I'm covertly GC & mostly read FWR, sometimes other stuff.

Great 👍 I know that a lot of women might describe their partner as 'dominant' but don't necessarily mean that they themselves are submissive.

That makes a lot of sense, I'm glad you found someone who pulls their weight. Most of the stuff I was describing was aimed at 20s-early-30s women,but I do think that part of the issue generally is men who act childlike (gaming etc) so women want someone to pull their weight, & sometimes express that as wanting a 'dominant' partner.

I would assume that “dominant” means a man who takes the lead in the bedroom?

Luckily some cared about feminism, or we'd still have no vote, no property rights when married, no right to not be raped within marriage etc - not to mention the recent GC battles.

Seems to be about general life, not just sex specifically.

Before I met my husband I always wanted a “strong” man, a dominant man. He’s actually nothing if the kind and can be a bit of a wuss. Nevertheless, he still slaps my arse on a daily basis because we’re both silly sods. 😆