To ask your honest opinions on “nesting” post separation

[ScrimpAndShave]

We live this way. 50/50 arrangement. DC live in family home. 2nd property is shared and myself & STBXH live there alone when it’s not our turn to be with DC, swapping over throughout the week. I think people tend to think it’s a very strange or unhealthy arrangement but of course I never hear a true opinion it and I’m intrigued to hear different perspectives.

It has worked well for us.

I suppose we are on reasonable terms and we both prioritise our kids wellbeing. I don't mean that those with different arrangements don't prioritize their children and their stability. I mean that this common goal means we are more open to compromise mse and flexibility.

The other aspect is our eldest has now left for uni, so far a large part of the year there is a separate bedroom in the main house for exH to use.

Also, after a long time of not engaging with other relationships, it looks likely I will have another place to stay, so exH will have his flat to himself rather than me staying there, which did feel a bit awkward.

We entered into it thinking it would get us through some exam years, and now we are seeing where life takes us.

I think if we split up if much rather my dh live somewhere where I have zero responsibility for anything. Nesting would just mean I’m still responsible for the whole house, every cupboard, everything that’s needed.

I’ve never heard of nesting but think it sounds like a really good idea for the right family. You’d have to still get on with your ex and be on the same page regarding parenting but if it works for your family, crack on. I wouldn’t judge you. Rather I’d admire how you’ve found an alternative set up that works for you all.

I have admiration for those who can make this work, but I feel it will never become a widespread/norm because there’s so many factors involved and good communication needed, with respect needed between all parties - most relationship breakdowns are due to poor communication or lack of respect so they’re unlikely to be able to do this.

Factors include:

• Age of children, how long is this nesting going in for? Is it to get through exams, or is it the plan for the next 15 years? Is there a plan if circumstances change or one parent wants to opt out of this arrangement?
• new partners? It’s difficult if one person gets a new relationship, has more children, etc
• household chores? If one partner is constantly cleaning and shopping for both households and the other isn’t, resentment quickly builds.
• abusive/adultery - if a relationship has broken down in an acrimonious manner, distance and clear boundaries are needed, a shared living environment is not a good idea.

Ex and I seriously considered it but we didn't want to be sharing houses with each other any more after the split. Talking about bills and cleaning and maintenance etc. etc. We bought houses around the corner from each other instead.

I can totally see the benefits of your system for the kids though.

Apparently long-term it is not good for children at all. Despite the perceived benefits

It sounds great for the kids.

I can't see it working long term for the adults tho mostly because I can't see a new partner wanting to do this and I feel like at some point one person will meet someone else.

The other reason why I think most people would struggle is that surely most marriages ultimately fail because the couple aren't great at communicating and sharing not one but two properties is going to involve a lot of communication.

Not just the day to day, "did you buy milk?" But also the longer term "do you think we need a new bathroom?"

And a couple that divorced surely isn't going to
navigate that well?

I think I would also struggle personally not to have any fully private space

I know a couple where it worked well. Kids stay in the main house. H could stay with sibling when not at the main house. W could stay with new partner. Both had flexi work and they each had a separate lockable bedroom in the main house.

It worked well for a relative of mine. All the kids in the main house mum and dad in separate apartments. Christmas Day was spent together in the main house. The split was amicable I think. They were also well off and the family had properties so they were very lucky.

I think it's a bit odd, and actually might be confusing for younger kids. Frankly (and this will not be a popular opinion) if you get on well enough for this to be viable, I would wonder why you couldn't just have stayed married.

This in droves! I think it’s bizarre- under no circumstances could I have contemplated this arrangement with my ex. Too much animosity, too many bad memories, too confusing for the children. You’re sending out a subliminal message to them that mum and dad are still together, giving them false hope. And what about if you have a new partner? Are they kept secret from the children for ever?

I would hate that tbh

Some interesting replies so far thank you.

This I am interested in though. I can assure you there’s no subliminal messaging that we are still together.. we don't live together. Our DC (10 and 13) know we aren’t getting back together. I can see why people might think this could be the case though.

For our DC, this is how their parents have split up. They don’t know our split any other way. They have no idea that it’s pretty unusual. They are very hurt at the finality of our marriage collapsing and feel like their family is broken.

They HATE the idea of having to live in two separate homes and have told us this, along with their reasons why.

There’s no animosity in our relationship breakdown. We like each other enough to do this, but don’t love each other and definitely do not work living together as a couple. It feels a bit like being business partners I suppose, running 2 homes. The kids are our mutual interest and because of them we don’t let little things niggle.

Neither of us are at the new partner stage. So yes that’s a bridge we may have to cross. But also we may not have to at all for a while. I would personally find it really odd to base our set up around a potential new relationship (that doesn’t exist at all yet, and which may or may not go the distance) rather than stability of the kids home environment in the here and now.

If a new partner comes along in future, I don’t understand why nesting would mean they are kept a secret from the children?

It sounds a bit like the worst of both worlds to me. No love, no sex, no benefit of joined finances, yet still having to navigate all the compromise and joint commitment and niggles around domestic affairs and choices. If I wasn’t in a relationship, I’d want to live independently, come and go as I pleased, make all my own decisions about my living space. Also, it would feel like having to go through the challenges of divorce twice: the first time as you’ve already done; and the second time, when it’s no longer a practical arrangement because one of you has met somebody else / when the children leave home and the nesting no longer needs to be kept up and you split properly.

But, if it makes you happy enough and your children don’t find it confusing, keeping it up for as long as it doesn’t actively make you unhappy is fair enough.

Exactly. You are still in a relationship which requires negotiation and compromise while living across two homes and not actually being in a partnership. If you can get along well to do this, why not work on the relationship and not separate instead?

Enabling the children to have a single home is a fantastic achievement and is truly putting them first.
Two individuals managing to be selfless parents to the same children doesn’t mean they work as a romantic couple.

Absolutely not for me. I like my own space with my own things and deciding how I want to live my life. Nothing in this scenario is your own and packing up every few days sounds really unsettling. It’s a kind of limbo where neither party can move on. How can this much upheaval be good for the kids? They need happy parents and a clean break not a weird set up where they’re split and living in each others house for half the week.

I briefly dated a guy who had this set up and it was clear he was so enmeshed with his ex that neither of them could be properly single. His flat was full of his ex’s stuff when she was in his house which was really bizarre.

We have friends who made it work but they were wealthy enough to keep the family home and buy two separate small flats - they say openly that it would not have worked if they were having to share a flat, they needed space away from each other that was completely theirs, they needed total privacy from each other while navigating new relationships etc.

It’s worked very well for them and their kids - must be about 5 years now? They are very strict about agreeing they each leave the “family home” clean and tidy, no dishes left for the other person etc. In the first year there was a lot of tension around those kind of housekeeping issues but they worked through it.

If we divorced we’d definitely aim to do the same for as long as the kids were in school and then move on.

It sounds great until either or both parents meet someone else.

Then it sounds like it might be complicated.

Packing up every few days is unsettling, so perhaps the people who made the decisions should do the packing, not the kids who didn’t get a say.

Sounds great if you can make it work. Much better for the kids. Of course, it needs high levels of agreeableness and cooperation, which is not for everyone.

This.

And most people break up for a reason. That reason would likely still exist. If it works for you, great. But it wouldn't for the vast majority of people.

Some friends of mine are doing it, tbh it sounded like a good idea at the beginning but as time has gone on, there is more resentment coming up through money issues and keeping up with house chores...doesn't sound a lot of fun!

I am always very impressed with parents who manage to do this. Even if it’s only for a few years, I think working together compassionately to put your children first is incredible. You should recognise the sacrifices you have made to make this work, and feel proud of the joint effort. I honestly think you are amazing to do this.

I guess I struggle to imagine a couple who can work together well enough and communicate well enough to make this work but can’t make their relationship work.