To ask your honest opinions on “nesting” post separation

[ScrimpAndShave]

We live this way. 50/50 arrangement. DC live in family home. 2nd property is shared and myself & STBXH live there alone when it’s not our turn to be with DC, swapping over throughout the week. I think people tend to think it’s a very strange or unhealthy arrangement but of course I never hear a true opinion it and I’m intrigued to hear different perspectives.

It’s been very interesting seeing what people really think of this kind of set up. In real life I get head tilt “oh, that’s interesting.”

Exactly part of our thought process @Sliceofbattenberg - for us it’s better
for a grown up to leave behind a laptop charger or a rain coat than a child to forget part of their school uniform or a special
toy. In fact our son said he never wants 2 separate homes because he has friends in this situation and they have attended school without their blazer and got detention as a result/forget PE kit/don’t have the the clothes or books they want over a weekend.

@BrightbluesomethingI’m unsure what upheaval you’re referring to regarding the DC as we have tried to find a solution that avoids exactly that. Is there something we have missed? They have stayed in the family home with all their things (and their dog!)

@Mumofteenandtween Love doesn’t have to dissolve straight into hate. It can melt into still liking a person for who they are, their morals and appreciating them and all they do as the parent of your children, whilst also being 100% certain you cannot remain romantically involved. Running 2 households and managing the mental load of having 2 DC isn’t the same at all as operating as husband and wife. It feels quite business like!

The other thing about this arrangement that just struck me is how financially tied together you still must be.

You presumably still have joint mortgages, will need to both agree on and save towards any home improvements. You can't unilaterally make any choices that might reduce your income - e.g. if you get a long term illness, want to go part time and downsize, all of that needs to be discussed with your ex, or even more straightforwardly just retirement.

I guess I think overall it's dependant on so much working perfectly together with someone you divorced that I can't see it working long term - and I would think the kids might be more upset that way than if you had just made the big shift at once.

Given these days, kids seem to stay at home for a long time into adulthood - would you continue it then?

But genuinely it's wonderful that you are able to do it at the moment

@ishimbob not yet divorced so yes financially very tied. How long we do this for is tbd. Nesting since last October and hand on heart zero arguments about money despite a stressful few months with a plumbing situation that dragged on and was costly. I don’t know, but maybe our marriage had broken down into being more like housemates/business partners that it’s just sort of continuing exactly as was in most ways.

It’s tricky and as a child who had separated parents it is not ideal moving between and I can see why they don’t want it either having seen friends go back and forth etc BUT you presumably won’t live together and share a home for ever and at some points your children will have to accept the fact their parents have two different family homes and their family is separated?

My parents separated when I was 4 but I must say my friends who parents separated in their teens and even 20s seemed to take it far, far worse. Part of me feels like you’re just delayed the inevitable hurt that comes from the realisation you are breaking from part of the family. It’s like one foot in the door still when as you say, it won’t ever be as it was, so nesting to me feels a bit like a pretence to uphold. They won’t one day come back from university and presumably find you still both under the same roof for the sake of having Christmas all together, for example? You’ll have likely both maybe moved on with new partners, blended families etc and so at some point reality will have to bite.

It’s fine until one of you meets someone else. Then it’ll all go tits up.

I think it can work, occasionally, especially if parents can afford their own separate flats, in addition to the family home where the children live

But unlikely to work long term

DH and I are not planning to split but this is what I’d want to try if we did. We have two boys, both with ASD and we have their environment sorted now.

We’re both good at talking and don’t tend to let things get out of hand. We also both earn about the same (or would if I went full time which I would if we split) so money would be less contentious.

Totally agree.

Good luck with it. But I think you're just delaying the inevitable.

I agree with this, I'd want my own space for when I didn't have custody of the DC, not another shared property that we took it in turns to live in. And financially that would be well out of reach.

I think it's one thing doing this short term but quite another long term.

Long term there are all sorts of financial decisions to be taken about your lives, when you retire etc.

Maybe you will always be happy to take those together but it's vanishingly rare to be so on the same page but also want to split up

It sounds like the best thing for the kids, but you’d need to have a really positive and trusting relationship with your ex, and in which case why split?

We don’t love each other.

The only people I know who have done this very successfully long term are very well off and live in a huge house.

The kids live full time in the main house, each parent has a bedroom in the main house, but they also have a 2 bedroom annexe each at opposite ends of the house.

@HRchatterhave you got a link for this research? Don’t worry if not I can Google but lazily looking for a head start!

One of the reasons my relationship broke down was because my ex was like another child. He left all of the mental, financial and physical load on me and I know that would continue if we lived like this.

I understand your children's feelings. No child wants their family to separate and it was hard on my children at first. But after a rough year we've come out the other side happier and closer than ever. I do agree with another poster who said you're just delaying the inevitable.

Continue with this as long as it works for YOU. But if there comes a time when you're no longer happy with the set up, dont feel guilty for changing it. Your kids will adapt.

Very few people have this option as having a second home is a rarity

No way would I ever do this.

The constant changeups, the lack of a space that is completely mine, that ex could be snooping through my stuff and sleeping in my bed, bringing a gf there, oh hell no. He would still be living there, just at different times, and I can see coming over with I forgot such and such and having someone in my business, I would never really be able to relax.

If I break up, I get my own space. Period. No sharing. I don't think it benefits the kids either. If there was a hint of abuse, it's a no go. There's a new normal and that arrangement is going to end probably sooner rather than later. Stop pretending and deal with splitting and the fallout.

How about when the parents date? Get new partners? How about the household chores? What if someone leaves a bunch for the other parent?

I lost my long detailed post but pretty much everything that’s been discussed on this thread is in this article too.
My ex-husband was very amenable all about supporting the children wanted things to be civil until the day he met maleficent herself.
His new wife quickly implemented a new strategy that suited her and her long-term goals and to hell with my children.

The first part the actual divorce was relatively fine
Following her Imput, it’s been World War 3
You do run the risk of this happening and the children basically having to go through it all twice rather than ripping the Plaster off and getting on with it the first time.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/fit-to-be-tied/202409/is-nesting-a-good-option-for-divorced-couples/amp

Nothing in this scenario is your own and packing up every few days sounds really unsettling. It’s a kind of limbo where neither party can move on. How can this much upheaval be good for the kids?

I'm amazed you can't see the irony of these two sentences side by side. It is very unsettling packing up and moving every few days,not having a home of your own. So why would the OP want to push that in her kids rather than taking the burden of it herself until they are grown up?

OP I admire you and your ex enormously. I think you are both making great sacrifices for the benefit of your kids and the fact you can both manage this and yet acknowledge without bitterness that you don't love each other as much as you love the kids is extremely mature and selfless. Crack on and good on you.

I actually, in my utter foolishness, suggested this when I split from ex.

With him, it would never have worked - he just wouldn't have cleaned up after himself for a start (and TBH, there's no way he'd have wanted 50% care of the kids)

I think the thing I'd do differently is that I wouldn't want to be sharing a living space on my 'off' time as well - I'd want my own flat. Big house for the kids, rooms each in that house, and then a completely separate flat for when I wasn't with the kids.