Would you share this personal moment of mine with your husband/partner?

[Goders]

I am going through a bit of an emotional time (post partum). It has lingered and I can tell people may be slightly losing their patience with me even though everyone does their best to love and support me. I can just pick up people finding me tiresome. I find myself tiresome. Believe me. I hate feeling this way (seeing a specialist and on medication).

I’m away on a mini break with my husband, sister and BIL plus my child.

My sister noticed I was close to tears and sort of forced me to tell her what was wrong. I shared my feelings and she sort of just responded by giving me a solution. E.g. get out of the house and go for a walk. She said it quite coldly and matter of factly. I told her that I can’t shake the idea I’ve made a mistake (so quite a deep and vulnerable thing). So I guess i was hoping for a little bit more reassurance as opposed to a “fix” which I am already rationally aware of.

Sister and her husband were leaving to go do an activity. Her husband caught me as he was leaving and basically said if you’re feeling this way you know what will make you feel better.

I just feel really hurt that something I was trying to keep to myself has become this become group therapy session. I was just riding out the anxiety. I certainly was not looking for support:
/attention. I’m a very private person and not particularly emotionally close to BIL (we do get along) so unhappy that my low moment was shared with him. It must’ve been within minutes of my having said it.

Am I wrong to expect a bit of privacy? Or is it fair to share that sort of thing with your spouse? Sister was clearly frustrated as BIL shared how sister wanted to go for a drive after their activity.

I just feel awful.

I am sorry you are having a tough time. Your sister could have been kinder.

I don’t mind sister giving me a response which involved a “fix” but more so that she informed BIL I was upset. And pretty much straight away. I often find myself close to tears and I prefer just to ride it out. I didn’t want to overshadow the day.

Agree with a PP your sister doesn't sound very kind. Is it a one off or a regular occurance?

You say you didn’t want to overshadow the day, but if you’re walking around visibly close to tears then of course it’s going to cast a shadow.

Why not take yourself away to the bathroom or something to gather yourself?

She is lovely to me 99% of the time. I put her under a lot of strain. We share a business so I think there is a lot of underlying resentment for her doing more than her fair share currently. So I totally see why every now and then she gets frustrated. I appreciate her a lot.

We dont have their side of this, you may be perfectly in the right or you may be a person who saps everything out of a situation, constantly attentions seeks or something in-between

People will reply to say how terrible they are being because people usually go along with whatever an op puts, no i dont think this helps

I was certainly not trying to get attention. I was doing the dishes (so had my back to the room) when sister saw me and pressed me on what was wrong,

No one would describe me as an attention seeker. Majority of the time I cry alone in my bedroom or in the bath.

Unless she’s psychic then you must have been giving off clues that you were so upset.

I’m sorry you’re going through such a tough time OP. I do think though that when someone is going through a tough time it is also tough on those close to them, you acknowledge yourself that this has been hard on your sister and it never goes unnoticed so I do think it’s a bit unreasonable to expect her not to share with her partner for some support herself. I’ve helped my sister through some tough times and I was able to do that because my husband is a support for me, to allow me to support other people.

She came into the kitchen to say goodbye to me when she found me suppressing tears.

Did you know she’s was going somewhere and would say goodbye or was it a surprise she did?

More likely that your mood was more obvious than you think. Sister has had a word with you, partner has sensed the mood and noticed sister talking to you, asked what’s up, she’s told him. No big deal. Alternative is that say “nothing she’s fine” when that’s blatantly not true.

I didn’t know she was leaving

I'm very private too, but I'm guessing that your state of mind was obvious to everyone, so not really a secret. Also she had come to say goodbye to you which presumably delayed her, so he's likely to have asked about that.

So I'm torn. But I think that when it's evident to people that you're struggling, wanting complete privacy is probably too much to expect.

Your sister probably just mentioned to her husband that you were feeling upset rather than it being some kind of in depth group therapy session, as you imagine.
I expect that your BIL is fully aware that you are feeling anxious and teary and that your sister is upset by it too so maybe he suggested they had a bit of time to themselves.
It does seem that you want everyone to be kind and supportive but at the same time for nobody to know that you are struggling.

I tell my husband everything tbh but are you OK? I'm sorry that you are crying so much x

You work together, you're on a mini break together. It sounds like you are very close and so I am not surprised she shared the information.

Just as you need support from your sister, she needs it from her husband, particularly if she's working harder at the moment because you're struggling.

Usually I hate it if you tell a friend or sibling something personal and they then (usually immediately) tell their partner, but in this case I think it was OK that she said you weren't feeling great at the moment.

If you've got diagnosed post natal depression or anxiety, then I think telling you to go to a walk is a bit harsh, yes exercise and fresh air might help but it's not that simple, and you're on medication so clearly are trying to take steps to get better.

People do share things with their partners particularly where it impacts them, so don't think she was wrong to tell him, but it was wrong of your brother in law to mention it to you, he wasn't involved in the conversation and you didn't ask for advice so he should have stayed out of it.

I would share with my husband because i would be worried about you. Postnatal depression can be very serious. Hopefully you are getting the help you need. You will get better and realise its the hormones pushing you off balance and you have not made a mistake. Even without tge hormonalissues you are having lots of mums feel they have made a mistake ir worry that they wont love their child. This soon will pass .

I'm sorry for what you're going through. You say you share a business with your sister, and as such she is quite affected in a practical way because of that, in addition to emotionally involved, because she's your sister. It's not reasonable to expect her to bottle that up with her partner, and by extension it's going to be hard for her to talk about without at least some talk of what you're going through. And in this instance saying something for example like "Goders is really upset and it's getting me down, I wish she'd go for a walk, it might help her" is not some massive breach of privacy. Especially since you are on holiday with them.

I wonder if your BIL had brought it up with her and asked what the issue was, so she told him, rather than her just discussing it straight after talking to you.

This is almost certainly what happened and I'm not sure it would have been better for the sister to lie to her husband (especially as it would've been an obvious lie). Remember it affects him too - he's on holiday with the OP and his wife runs a business with her. I think it's fair for him to be aware.

OP, the thing I would remember is that while you're at a low ebb for whatever reason, that often comes with a great deal of shame that makes us want to hide our feelings from people. This is unwarranted. You don't have to be ashamed of feeling down, and I think you'll find that more people in your life will want to help you rather than judge you. In fact that sounds like how both your sister and BIL reacted - though the whole divide between people who respond with fixes vs people who respond with vague support is another thread, and a fairly regular one here.

I think sharing how you feel when you’re obviously not doing well can be helpful. The more people close to you know what’s going on then you’ll get the help you need. I was just like you post partum and it developed into full blown PND which was impossible to deal with alone. You need support and help and while I understand that your sister should have not shared personal info, now it’s out in the open it may be a positive thing to sit down with all of them - explain what’s going on and see how you can get the support you need. You’ll get through this, you will!