Would you share this personal moment of mine with your husband/partner?

[Goders]

I am going through a bit of an emotional time (post partum). It has lingered and I can tell people may be slightly losing their patience with me even though everyone does their best to love and support me. I can just pick up people finding me tiresome. I find myself tiresome. Believe me. I hate feeling this way (seeing a specialist and on medication).

I’m away on a mini break with my husband, sister and BIL plus my child.

My sister noticed I was close to tears and sort of forced me to tell her what was wrong. I shared my feelings and she sort of just responded by giving me a solution. E.g. get out of the house and go for a walk. She said it quite coldly and matter of factly. I told her that I can’t shake the idea I’ve made a mistake (so quite a deep and vulnerable thing). So I guess i was hoping for a little bit more reassurance as opposed to a “fix” which I am already rationally aware of.

Sister and her husband were leaving to go do an activity. Her husband caught me as he was leaving and basically said if you’re feeling this way you know what will make you feel better.

I just feel really hurt that something I was trying to keep to myself has become this become group therapy session. I was just riding out the anxiety. I certainly was not looking for support:
/attention. I’m a very private person and not particularly emotionally close to BIL (we do get along) so unhappy that my low moment was shared with him. It must’ve been within minutes of my having said it.

Am I wrong to expect a bit of privacy? Or is it fair to share that sort of thing with your spouse? Sister was clearly frustrated as BIL shared how sister wanted to go for a drive after their activity.

I just feel awful.

it sounds really tough, OP. But if you are exuding an air of gloom or despair, it does get wearing.

You need to be clear, when you talk to someone about it, sister, mum, DH, anyone else, what you want from them. Just a shoulder while you talk, offer solutions, help you explain your feelings to someone else?

If this was planned as a lovely few days away for all of you, if you are bringing the mood down, it is understandable that people may be short with you, no matter how much sympathy and love they have for you.

You probably need therapy if you have a baby and you think it wasn't a good idea though. What does your DH say?

I think your sister was probably not expecting to hear that you feel having a baby might’ve been a mistake. It is quite a lot to hold out of the blue, especially if someone is just about to leave the house. I think it would also be a hard thing to hear if you have or want children. I can understand why you wouldn’t want this shared but I can also understand maybe BIL asked why you’re sad, or your sister was surprised or upset and told BIL why

He shouldn’t have said anything to you.
but are you maybe in denial? You’re away with sis and bil, own a business together, were suppressing tears, know that ppl are finding you tiresome, yet you can’t understand why it would maybe come up in conversation with ds and bil? Why do you think there was a group therapy? Can’t it have been that you’re affecting her and she off loaded to dh, or that he noticed and asked, or that she’s worried about you and asked her dh if she’s nuts? Not everything is sinister.
I would def suggest seeing your gp about your moods though!

eta if someone shared with me that they think their baby is a mistake I’d be MASSIVELY concerned and definitely speak it over with dh. That’s not something you just say in passing

I would assume that it has come from a place of good intention. I suspect your sister is worried about you (I would be, if my sister told me something like that), and I could imagine her perhaps having a conversation with her husband about how worried she is about you.

I can see why you are upset about it, that it feels like an overshare of something you told her in confidence, but I don’t think it was malicious or gossipy. Just with concern for your wellbeing.

I hope you are ok. It sounds like a really tough time xx

I don’t think your dsis was wrong to talk to her dh, as he’s part of her support network. Your bil on the other hand is a colossally insensitive tit.

I have huge sympathy op, I’ve been there and it’s rough. Also been in your bil’s shoes too when dh was struggling to keep a joint business afloat. It’s tough on everyone.

This ^
in a family setting it’s obvious when someone is upset plus as you have a business together your state of mind is probably affecting your sister’s family for some time already.
Your sister wasn’t particularly kind but it’s really tricky to say why. Maybe she just doesn’t get it, some people don’t.

As a general rule I presume people tell their spouses stuff, unless specifically told not to. Now if I wanted it private i make sure they agree not to tell their DP. The reality is if I don't particularly like someone's partner, I'm less inclined to share with that friend unless they have reassured me or shown me that they wont tell the partner.

I agree. And if, as you say your sister has been feeling the strain of the business as well as having to see her sister so distressed then maybe her husband was more concerned about his wife's mental health at that point and was more concerned about trying to relieve the strain on his wife. People who are around people with mental health problems have incredible pressure put on them. They aren't psychiatrists, they are just doing their best to deal with a shitty hand they can do nothing about then get blamed when they ask you to go for a walk with them ( which may actually help).

Hi Op. I am really sorry you are feeling this low. Everything will be ok eventually. However, I cannot see why people in your family knowing what you are going through makes it worst. I think it is natural to share something like this with your partner, especially as you are all close and in a mini break. If it was happening with your sister in law, would you think strange that your partner kept it from you? That does not excuse the fact that DS and SB did not respond in the best way, but that is the issue, not the privacy (in my opinion). I think in the long run it will only help to have the cat out of the bag. Hope you feel better soon!

p.s. I genuinely entertained the thought of giving my first born to adoption for a good few months, so you are not alone! 22 years later she is my rock!

Your sister was wrong to share it. That should have gone without saying.

The BIL was wrong to speak to you about it. It wasn't shared with him.

I woild feel the same as you OP.

I would have told my dh too - it’s just what married couples do. There are many possibilities as to how/why she did this:
1 - they both noticed your emotion/energy and were chatting about it
2 - she was concerned about you and wanted to chat it through with her dh
3 - her dh asked her about you as he’s noticed you’re not yourself
Lots more but that’s just for starters. She may not have gone behind your back and tittle tattled about you.

Please seek out professional help, there’s no shame with PND, there’s lots of help and support out there.
💐💐

your bil was insensitive to say anything to you at all.
Its one thing somebody sharing things with their husband I guess. Id prefer it if they didnt, but if they do, then he should have acted the exact same as if he didnt know.

I think your current feelings are probably (and understandably) clouding your objectivity over this.

Post partum depression is a dangerous thing, and honestly hiding away is almost never the best way to handle it. It leads to feeling more isolated and vulnerable ime.

Your sister may not have handled it well but her advice is sound. Changing the activity, removing yourself from the immediate cause of the anxiety can be beneficial at allowing you time to come down from the anxiety and recently yourself.

It sounds like she is worried about you and so is your bil. In her position I woukd probably also confide in my dh.

If you were visibly upset he will have noticed too. He probably asked and ahe explained. It's not unreasonable for her to have done so.

It sounds as though your low mood is having an effect on everyone around you, and that you want sympathy but not a solution.

Other people have feelings too, and your sister may be a bit overwhelmed by your mood, particularly if it's obvious you're close to tears. Being in close proximity to someone on the verge of tears all the time can be very uncomfortable & unsettling.

I just think the most glaring thing about this is that the people around you don't understand depression very well. I don't think it's something that a simple "fix" like getting out the house will improve.

Sorry you are going through this.

You can’t speak for everyone -
it’s not what All married couples do - it’s what you do.

I have things my friends have told me in confidence that I absolutely do not divulge to my husband. It’s not his place to know, it’s not my place to tell him things they’ve told me in confidence.

OP - I hope you’re getting the help you need.

Your sister and BIL are not mental health care professionals. They were trying to show concern for you.

That. They were clumsy in how they approached it, but they clearly care.

It's really hard for random family members or friends to know how to cope with someone who's depressed or anxious. It's not like they're trained in it. Also your sister is carrying an extra work load, so might not have the headspace to manage your emotions on top of it.

Left a heart for support not because I love that you're struggling. The post partum hormones are rough at the best of times.

I didn’t speak for everyone. Nowhere can you see the word ‘ALL’ … Not sure why you need to nitpick.

This. He had no right to stick his oar in and had nothing helpful to say.

I'm so sorry that you are feeling so low. It's not your fault and its difficult to cope with.

I don't think the people around you are equipped to deal with this. You have to go to the GP and get some help, even an explanation of what might be causing it. Ask for some blood tests to check if there is an underlying condition which may need treating. But I don't think getting fresh air or "pulling yourself together" is going to address the problem in any way. I do think you need medical advice and that is nothing to be ashamed of and I think they have made you feel a bit ashamed, which is why I said they simply don't have the knowledge or intuition to help, so find someone who can. You don't have to live like this and struggle on alone.

Feeling so sad and tearful is nothing to be ashamed of. It can hit anyone at anytime.

Aside from seeking help for your depression. It is amazing how even things like correcting vitamin deficiency (which a blood test would show up) can make a difference to your general energy. Getting enough sleep is also important. And taking a short walk in the outside, even 15 mins a day, can really help with energy levels and Vit D levels. (so maybe your sister wasn't entirely wrong).

Try not to dwell too much on their reactions. Its been and gone, nothing you can do about it now, but get some real help to get to the bottom of whatever is upsetting you so much and follow the advice. Talking to a professional will provide so much more support than talking to a relative at this stage. Often the problems that are weighing you down cannot all be fixed all at once.. so focus on unpicking them step by baby step and not seeing it as a quick fix or a massive mountain. But before all of that do your best to relax, exercise, eat well and sleep well as this will help you feel better physically which will have an impact on your mental help.

Maybe see this weekend as a turning point, not as a disaster, but as the point where you realised you needed to get more real help than you currently have access to. And above all BE KIND TO YOURSELF!!

I think instead of dwelling on why did they speak of your mood you should take the advice. People don't want to be dealing with moodiness on a
vacation.

But tbf, all of the generally available advice says that getting outside and doing some exercise is one of the things that can help with depression.

The OP says herself that this has been going on for some time and that she feels that people are finding it tiresome. I know from personal experience that it can be very frustrating to be around someone who is depressed when it looks like they aren’t doing things to help themselves. I also know from personal experience that with severe depression even getting out of bed can be a struggle and going for a walk is beyond comprehension.

Maybe the sister and BIL are feeling frustrated, which is allowed.