Would you share this personal moment of mine with your husband/partner?

[Goders]

I am going through a bit of an emotional time (post partum). It has lingered and I can tell people may be slightly losing their patience with me even though everyone does their best to love and support me. I can just pick up people finding me tiresome. I find myself tiresome. Believe me. I hate feeling this way (seeing a specialist and on medication).

I’m away on a mini break with my husband, sister and BIL plus my child.

My sister noticed I was close to tears and sort of forced me to tell her what was wrong. I shared my feelings and she sort of just responded by giving me a solution. E.g. get out of the house and go for a walk. She said it quite coldly and matter of factly. I told her that I can’t shake the idea I’ve made a mistake (so quite a deep and vulnerable thing). So I guess i was hoping for a little bit more reassurance as opposed to a “fix” which I am already rationally aware of.

Sister and her husband were leaving to go do an activity. Her husband caught me as he was leaving and basically said if you’re feeling this way you know what will make you feel better.

I just feel really hurt that something I was trying to keep to myself has become this become group therapy session. I was just riding out the anxiety. I certainly was not looking for support:
/attention. I’m a very private person and not particularly emotionally close to BIL (we do get along) so unhappy that my low moment was shared with him. It must’ve been within minutes of my having said it.

Am I wrong to expect a bit of privacy? Or is it fair to share that sort of thing with your spouse? Sister was clearly frustrated as BIL shared how sister wanted to go for a drive after their activity.

I just feel awful.

If your sister is having to do more in the business because of the way you are, it’s highly likely her husband is concerned about her (of course he would be), so of course she should talk to him.

You say you are picking up that people are finding you tiresome, so you must be aware that how you are feeling right now is noticeable to others, particular someone who knows you as well as your sister (presuming she knows you very well) and you are on a mini break living with your brother in law so he will almost certainly be noticing your emotions. He quite possibly sensed something was wrong, noticed your sister talking to you and asked out of concern what the matter was.

Is it not better for people around you to know and understand rather than lie and carry on as if nothing is wrong. You might get more support and understanding this way?

Of course you are entitled to privacy, and not everyone wants to discuss there deep and complex problems, I hate sharing problems! But unfortunately in this instance 9assumign I have assumed things correctly) the other option was potentially expecting your sister to lie to her husband.

They're your family they're there to help and listen.

I'm so sorry you are having a terrible time.

When I go through episodes of constantly crying or being on the verge of tears it’s because I’m going to have a flare up of my autoimmune conditions. They started when I gave birth to my first child 48 years ago. I cannot tell you how many times a gp told me it was normal to be hormonal, tired, depressed , to heal from my stitches took ten months because some people just take longer and finally on a hunch order my first autoimmune test for Hashimotos.
I used to work out where I could drop my baby off anonymously but safely because I was convinced I had made a mistake.
All I’m trying to say is that it’s not always in your head. sometimes you need blood tests to check that everything is working as it should and not bumping along two points from the absolute bottom. Always get a print out of any blood test results and check them out yourself.
A last thing: Coca Cola always snaps me out of a crying jag if I need to talk a hcp.

Agree that maybe you were unintentionally giving off negative vibes and BIL had enquired what was wrong. If your mood continues to be low maybe speak to GP .

It sounds to me that you're having a tremendously hard time. However, your sister probably is too - i think it's quite reasonable for her to want to lean on her partner for some support, she may have blurted it out without thinking or she may have felt bad about what she said to you...I'd not expect my sister to keep anything from her partner unless i expressly asked her to and i can't think of many situations i'd do that. How old is your baby? Is there any other routes you can go down for support?

For him to approach you like that is a totally gross invasion of your privacy OP. It’s one thing for her to tell her husband, but for him to go and bloody talk to you about it without being invited, absolutely grim. I’ve had this quite a few times with couples who are so enmeshed They don’t realise that if you speak to one of them it doesn’t mean they are both involved. Not cool

when I had my baby I was hit really hard with feelings like you have described and I think it was my perfectionism causing problems, the gravity and enormity of the life change crushed me for a while as I so wanted to get it right. People’s responses to me just made me feel worse. Is it possible you’re doing a bit of that? Either way, it’s normal to feel the way you feel and I’m sure it will pass. I found that focusing on bonding was the thing that helped me get past it, skin to skin contact, wearing a sling, dancing and singing while holding him, massaging him. having fun and leaning into the new relationship. Being a mother is without doubt the hardest and most challenging thing I have ever done but also the most rewarding, it’s ok to feel daunted and I’m sure you will find your groove.

also, you’re allowed to be sad. If people don’t like it, they can fuck off and leave you alone

I'm sorry OP. You should be able to expect your sister to keep your confidence but your BIL had absolutely no right approaching you.

I think if your sister is more under pressure because of picking up more of the business then it’s normal that she would confide in her husband.
I tell my husband things unless I’ve been specifically asked not to share them with anyone, the difference being he has more tact and diplomacy than your BIL so wouldn’t have brought it up as a subject with you directly himself.

My take would be that if you have given birth (congratulations) and now are looking after a new baby and are now "going through a bit of an emotional time", then that is what matters in this situation. You. You need support and ways to make it easier. If people around you aren't making that happen, you need further support and to talk to further people.

This. Plus since you say you run a business with your sister maybe BIL is concerned about the extra pressure on her.

OP I’m sorry you’re feeling this way but your sister was perfectly entitled to tell her husband about the problem and he was entitled to mention it to you, because it is clearly affecting their lives as well as (mainly of course) yours.

I think it was perfectly reasonable under the circumstances for your sis to talk to her DH. You're all sharing a holiday cottage together and in very close proximity. Your upset will be way more apparent than you think it is. In fact, it's almost inconceivable that your BIL hasn't noticed the atmosphere without being prompted. Additionally, you and your sister run a business together and you're all quite enmeshed so it's only fair that she can share her own concerns with her husband. That's what marriage is all about. She didn't go and tell the neighbours! The only thing I would say is that your BIL could've been more tactful and kept his mouth shut on this occasion. But you really are in denial if you believe that he hasn't noticed or doesn't already know.

it's always a sore subject on MN

but in real life, it's quite normal for partners to discuss things between themselves. Not running an endless boring and meaningless list of the useless gossips of the day, but not having to watch what you are saying either.

Things come up in the discussion.

I wouldn't expect any of my friends to hide anything from their husband, it's just weird.

There's always one poster who will twist that, but in real life, its not "Linda told me that happened to her" the minute you walk home, its more like you watch some drama and mention "poor Linda, the same thing happening to her must have been awful".

If you can't talk about everything with your partner, what's the point.

yes, he's seeing a woman in tears and he just ignores her, what a prince that would be.

Your bil probably was trying to be supportive and encouraging.

You share a business with your sister so she is picking up the slack while you are dealing with the PPD. So she is probably justifiably frustrated, and likely shared that with her husband, which would have of course included the PPD issues (root cause). She should have been kinder, but I dont think BIL knowing about something that is directly affecting his wife's life, while also sharing a vacation and house with you, his SIL, is a violation of trust. Your lives are incredibly intertwined, even physically right now.
I am sorry you are struggling so much. It is very hard and you have no control over it right now. but it is OK for people directly involved in your struggle to have their feelings about it as well. It doesnt mean they dont love and care for you and want things to be better for you.

Given what you have said here then I think you have to let it go this time.
It’s really hard supporting someone with problems and at the end of the day no one else can really help.

I remember thta feeling of wanting to hide away. But it's good it's out in the open a bit, you shouldnt be ashamed of these feelings and now the people it directly impacts (as you work with your sister and she obviously lives with her husband) know. A great tip I had was to specify whether you're looking for advice or just sharing how you feel. I'm sorry you're struggling, its really hard. X

Supporting a loved one, friend or relative who is having a difficult time is exhausting. Obviously, I'm not saying it isn't awful for the person going through the difficult time but those supporting also need some compassion and a listening ear to offload. It's hard. Your sister is probably close to her DH and needs his shoulder to cry on when she us spending her time, heart and emotions supporting you. I think you are being over critical of your sister because of your current emotional state. Neither of you are wrong, its just a shit time. You both deserve kindness.

I think your sister didn't mean badly, and has probably forgotten herself how sensitive you can feel post partum (if she has children herself). I hope you feel better soon. I'm sure what you are feeling is normal.

This sounds like what my Gran called the Baby Blues - it can last for years if you don't get some help. Speak to your doctor or you'll lose all your friends if you go around crying all day and dwelling on negative remarks from others.
Please get help

He is your sister's husband he had no right to come to you and say that. Have you told your sister? I would imagine she would be upset with him to as she told him in confidence.

Have you been to your GP? What's your relationship with your DH like?

I am so sorry that you feel like this and I genuinely hope you feel better soon. It’s not your fault at all.

However, it would be almost impossible for your sister to not confide in her husband, especially if she’s having to pick up some slack in the business, he’s likely questioning her and may even be a little annoyed that her time is being eaten in to. Remember your sister loves you but it’s unlikely a relative by marriage and a man (notoriously don’t understand post partum issues unless he’s very evolved) would feel as much sympathy. Maybe don’t be in such close quarters, it’s putting more pressure on you to maintain a cheery disposition.

I am like that. I have to figure it out alone especialy when the future looks daunting. I don't like to talk about it because I don't want people to give me their thoughts.

You are obviously not hiding your feelings as well as you think you are. Your sister noticed, asked what was wrong, you told her. Her 'maybe a walk will help' will have come from knowing you well. I don't see anywhere where you said explicitly to your sister ' you must not share this with anyone'. BIL was trying to be supportive. You need to go and see your doctor - you are not acting normally - which those around can see. Reach out for the support you need, from the family that love you.