To wonder what kind of partner would accept me being estranged from my family?

[YourQuietOliveCourage]

I’m 32 and have been no-contact with my family for nearly five and a half years. It was 100% the right decision for my wellbeing, I don’t regret it but I’m honestly shocked by how cruel and judgemental people can be about it.

I’m dating with long-term intentions and sometimes I wonder what kind of man would actually accept this without assuming I’m the problem? Without trying to “fix” it? Or acting like it’s some sort of red flag?

People talk a lot about “family values” but no one ever seems to consider that choosing not to be around toxic family is sometimes the most self-loving, healthy decision a person can make. I guess I’m just feeling a bit upset today. It’s not the estrangement that hurts, it’s how people react to it. I wish there was more understanding for women like me.

AIBU to feel like I’m carrying a scarlet letter just for choosing peace?

Following as I could've written this post. 33, with one dd, estranged from my birth family for 5.5 years!

Solidarity, op, its a tough road but one i am okay with walking along ❤️💐.

I have no idea how I will have a romantic relationship. But I hope to one day xx

Birds of a feather. There are a huge number of people out there who aren’t on great terms with their families and will understand. Don’t be surprised if you find one of them.

Look on it as a simple way to sort the wheat from the chaff. A prospective partner is bound to be curious about why but once he starts trying to 'help' resolve you need to he clear about your boundaries. If he's making comments about what you should do then he is is overstepping. He may feel that he is helping you. Tell him clearly why he should stop and if he persists then he's too judgemental/is also a controlling bastard etc and finish it.

People never realise how bad it is and think you're being cruel IME. Even really close friends make comments like "surely all families are like that". There is no way of anybody understanding unless they're in the same boat.

@YourQuietOliveCourage 15 years later my husband has never met nor has any wish to meet my parents I've been estranged from them since I was 18 because they're toxic. Do what's right for you and sod the rest.

Honestly, in my callow youth I was quietly judgy about cutting off family members. Then I met my now-DH and completely get it. If you haven’t encountered toxic/batshit/narcissistic people in a family context it’s hard to understand it - my family has its own share of eccentricities and dysfunction but everyone is basically decent and trying their best to muddle through. My late MIL was poison and my BIL is astonishingly awful. So I get it now, and I feel bad for believing that you should never “give up on” your family. My DH is a really great husband and father, he does have non-awful (lovely actually) extended family and close friends so although he’s definitely not unscathed by his childhood, he’s very much broken that cycle.

Soke people who have great families often cant get their head round it when others don't

My sister and I haven't spoken in 6 years. I dont miss her, I dont even think about her. Her absence cases me no issues and over the years I just dont mention her. In fact most people i work with currently domt even know i have a sister.

My dh has only met her once because my mum insisted I had to invite her to the wedding. She didn't speak to either of us, showed up, look miserable, muttered under her breath and according to a friend was quite disparaging about me...her husband asked who the grumpy cunt behind him was 🤣🤣. She ate her meal and then left without saying a word.

Dh has never really asked or cared about why we dont speak. It's no great secret, we discussed it when we first got together but it has never been an issue.

If this guy cares about you he wont care.

There is a lot to be said for the adage "those who matter don't care, and those who care don't matter".

Stop giving it head room, it needs a simple, I dont have any family or I dont have anything to do with my famiky and move on. The more you get into it the more people feel they have a right to an opinion.

I can totally relate to this and it’s one of the reasons I haven’t dated as I hate the thought of having to explain it to people, I know people are saying there are loads of people in the same situation but ime it’s unusual and most people I meet are close to their family and see family as a really important thing and would find it a bit of a red flag

I’m assuming you mean adult / sibling family rather than your kids.

tbh it’s either they take on no contact or a presumably mental awful family to spend Christmas and birthdays with. I know what I’d prefer.

everyone has their shit that they think is off putting to potential partners. This is much better than lots of the stuff you read on MN!

good luck! Don’t let it hold you back- it’s small. Focus on the stuff you have to offer x

My best friend loves the fact she married an orphan. No terrible in-laws.

I don’t see it being issue unless you also basically have zero friends. Then it would be a case of you seem to have nobody at all in your life.

If im completely honest this would put me of a partner i would be understanding of someone going no contact with a family member but if its the whole family parents, siblings, grandparents, cousins, aunties, uncle, nephews and nieces id see you as the problem

If this guy cares about you he wont care.
There is a lot to be said for the adage "those who matter don't care, and those who care don't matter".

This is spot on. If someone really can’t wrap their head around it after you’ve explained it to them and sees you as a red flag they’re not your person. Plain and simple.

Personally I like smart empathetic people who can see things from different perspectives. So a man is revealing himself if he does judge me for the family I’m from.

My ex was from a “perfect” family who went on family holidays to Cornwall each year and he didn’t judge me negatively for being LC and NC with certain family members.

She isn't the one thats the problem!

The right man won't give two hoots about you being estranged from your family.

Any man who gets to knows you but judges you for being estranged from your family, or having a poor family or having a dysfunctional family isn't worth your time. He may get upset for you but he shouldn't be upset at you.

You are not alone OP I think it’s far more common than we realise because people don’t feel comfortable talking about it. I wouldn’t judge anyone , I’d think good for them for being strong enough to get toxic people out of their life . Not everyone is born into a good family

Yep. I watched a horrific true crime recently from a crime that happened in the U.S. So long story short this young woman was murdered along with her husband and it went unsolved for two decades.

But how it relates to this thread is that it turned out in the end that the killer was none other than her “protective” brother. When they reopened the case the second time around they found out from the brothers wife that she and out lots of people in his family knew he had been raping his now dead sister since she was 9 until her late teens. He also was openly angry that she thought she was “too good for her family now” after marrying a nice man and buying a house with lots of land.

And they hadn’t thought to mention that to the police before or after she was murdered during the original investigation.

This was the motivation for him killing his 20 something year old sister - jealousy that she moved on from this vile abuse and found a nice man. It was also triggered by her saying no to her parents moving their RV into her and her husbands land.

This poor woman would’ve maybe had a chance if she had cut off her family and moved to another state. Most of them were complicit.

After the conviction his mother still stood by him and denied it was him who killed her daughter /his sister, despite the overwhelming evidence and the fact even he admitted to the prolonged sexual abuse in their childhood.

Often severe dysfunction runs through a whole family and even those who are not actively toxic can act as messengers aka “Flying monkeys” for narcs controlling them. Unfortunately some people do need to cut off most or all of their family and no it doesn’t meant they are a problem.

You'll meet people like a previous poster who decides you're the problem - that's fine, it's absolutely their loss.

DH asked some questions when I told him I was NC from my siblings, my aunt, and my cousins, and only in contact with my uncle.

Thankfully the sentence "the last time I saw my brother he threatened to set my home on fire with my children in it... and the last time I saw my other siblings they tried to persuade ME to apologise to him because it would calm him down..." made him realise I was better off without them. And then later as he heard more and more stories he said if I ever had contact with them he'd consider me putting myself and my kids in danger.

Some people just don't get it. They don't understand how they're can be no way back, or how the one person who speaks up/walks away can end up being ostracised by the whole family. I met a guy once who couldn't see why I wouldn't give my brother a "second chance" and couldn't grasp that I had, many times, so I didn't give him a second chance either.

How do you know

Why should they care.
It's you their dating and not the family.

One who wants you to be happy?
One who respects you as someone able to make their own decisions?
One who admires strong women?

(And one who doesn't want to be stuck with annoying in laws 😂).

I think many people will admire you, OP.

I used to think the same. But then I met my now husband who had a similar situation to me. Half the family decent people, the other half batshit insane. We both keep the crazies at very long arms length, embrace the supportive family and nurture friendships outside blood relations too.

No one has questioned me in a long time but if they did I would ask them this.
Do bad people in the world exist?
Yes
Are those bad people capable of having children that are neglected and abused?
Yes
Would you hang around with these bad people willingly?
No
Then why the hell would I just because I had the misfortune to be born to them?!

Op, don't concern yourself with others negative opinions. If a man doesn't get your circumstance, don't bother explaining yourself. Unfortunately people can't help if they have awful families, then cutting ties. Sometimes it has to be done sooner or later.

Don't worry about it. I was friends with a woman at work who just said she didn't have anything to do with her family because they weren't very nice people and enjoyed hurting her. How could anybody think she was to blame for that or that she should do something about it?

I wouldn’t give a shit if someone was estranged from their family. They’ve probably got a good reason to take a drastic step like that.

I don’t speak to my mum, sister or brother. My husband is supportive of this and knows our life is better without them.
When I’ve let other people know though (work colleagues) I get a lot of… But she’s your mum comments. I get it, to most people disowning your mum is unthinkable, lucky them.