To wonder what kind of partner would accept me being estranged from my family?

[YourQuietOliveCourage]

I’m 32 and have been no-contact with my family for nearly five and a half years. It was 100% the right decision for my wellbeing, I don’t regret it but I’m honestly shocked by how cruel and judgemental people can be about it.

I’m dating with long-term intentions and sometimes I wonder what kind of man would actually accept this without assuming I’m the problem? Without trying to “fix” it? Or acting like it’s some sort of red flag?

People talk a lot about “family values” but no one ever seems to consider that choosing not to be around toxic family is sometimes the most self-loving, healthy decision a person can make. I guess I’m just feeling a bit upset today. It’s not the estrangement that hurts, it’s how people react to it. I wish there was more understanding for women like me.

AIBU to feel like I’m carrying a scarlet letter just for choosing peace?

It s not so odd to go nc with all family members, perhaps because they're all still connected and in each other's lives. It's easier to go nc or low contact with all of them so you don't have to keep defending or explaining your position about going nc with specific ones. It's unfortunate but less stressful that way.

be honestly from the start, anything that is made to make u uncomfortable, have to explain yourself more or offers to
discuss how to get u back together get rid of!!
I didn’t speak to my mum and sister when I met my husband. We did reconcile down the line and they get on really good with him but 24 years later he uunderstands why I was apart from them at the time and never ever questioned it back in the day.

I am EU, came here as aupair. Was nc with the birth family, the amount of abuse they would try to cause on the phone was astonishing. Jealous I am abroad, wanting credit, why I date an English and not birth country's man....calling names, vilifying....I stopped complete contact.

My husband comes from a normal English middle average income family. His dad died of cancer and the mother almost collapsed before accidentally and luckily meeting another husband and putting all her emotional needs on him. So thanks to God this mum understood what having a nice partner means. She also wanted grandkids and her both sons were late 30s when I appeared on the scene. So I already had a friend in her.

my husband was lonely, lonely, lonely....I mean, lonely. A nice caring man, perhaps a bit shy, average income, a bit too intellectual for some women, not sure. He said English women or even Russian women he dated wanted money money money. I said: no worried, we are taking you as you are.

We are very compatible and have absolutely the same musical, cultural and religious tastes.

Well, hope that can give you inspiration

So what kind of man? Someone with a genuine caring heart, who wants a decent relationship, so be a woman who can give one ...

there are varieties of ways to present your birth connections to a man. Slowly, slowly, not making grand hateful statements about them - my husband saw it himself after they would call in our London studio flat and I would literally shake with sobs afterwards - this won his heart towards me even more

I am NC with my family, though I wasn’t when I met Dh (unfortunately, he had to go through the horror of becoming estranged, I bet he wishes now that I had been when I met him!). The right person will understand and support you. Also, there are huge numbers of people who are NC with their family. I mean, you may meet someone with a wonderful family and loving relationships with both parents and that’s great. But there’s every chance that you’ll meet someone who has a similar story to yours and very much respects your strength in making that decision.

As an example, Dh’s dad was an alcoholic and died from alcoholism a few years before we met. When he told me very early in our relationship, I didn’t think, oh god, red flag! I thought, wow, how incredibly strong he has been to get through all of that, and I was right. He’s a sensible, strong, lovely person, even though his parents had issues that were outside of his control. I admire him for how he handled it all and that was actually something I found attractive in him.

Tbh I think a lot of people would be relieved that they didn’t have to deal with in-laws.

Any decent person will understand when you explain it. Most people are fortunate enough not to have first-hand experience of extremely toxic families, so they might assume making up is the best thing to do. Again, no decent person will think you're in the wrong, but they might not understand at first.

Like PPs I never realised how genuinely awful people could be until I met DH's family.

It is surprising and he might be curious but it is definitely not a show stopper.

I'm 51. I've been nc with my surviving parent for nearly 14 years and that will never change.

I have, of course, met people who have tried to 'fix' it; those who have suggested I would be happier if I 'let bygones be bygones'. I assume there are those who have wondered if I were the problem but no one has ever voiced it.

Fortunately for me, I suppose, my only sibling also went nc at the same time so that gives some validity to the 'she was the problem' narrative.

If I'm perfectly honest, though, I'd say the greatest problem I've experienced is that, 14 years on, her voice is still the loudest in my head and I've never found a way to silence it. I'm incredibly sensitive to criticism and perceived criticism from others and feel it where it might not be intended. In short, the damage caused before I went nc has been a bigger problem for me in relationships than the fact I am nc with her.

Over the years, ive developed a brief narrative to explain it very superficially. Whenever I've detailed any smal amount of what I went through with her, the overriding response is that I'm a strong person to have mentally survived it. I haven't really but I am alspmaware it could have been so much worse.

Well done for protecting yourself.

Haha yes that’s true , or someone who doesn’t like big chaotic families ie me .

The reality is that sometimes it really is the best thing to go non contact. There are not very many who make that choice without a lot of thought and soul searching (there are some, as a way of punishing their parents for voting differently, or having different beliefs or because they are just incredibly entitled, but they're not the majority). And I am glad you made the right decision for you, though I know it leaves a forever wound.

A lot of people are honestly just a bit thick, and totally incapable of applying theory of mind to anything - you only have to see the screamy posts from people who made up their mind based on their own situation and feelings and seem incapable of critical thought on this site to know that.

But you seem intelligent and decent and self reflective, so I would think you will pick someone who is intelligent and decent and self reflective.

Any man who got to know you at all and was not willing to at least give you the benefit of the doubt and hold his tongue and his judgement would be doing you a big favour by letting you know he's not worth it.

As for other people, get used to lying. Just say your parents are dead and you are an only child. Simple. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with telling everyone that story. It's nobody's business but yours.