To wonder what kind of partner would accept me being estranged from my family?

[YourQuietOliveCourage]

I’m 32 and have been no-contact with my family for nearly five and a half years. It was 100% the right decision for my wellbeing, I don’t regret it but I’m honestly shocked by how cruel and judgemental people can be about it.

I’m dating with long-term intentions and sometimes I wonder what kind of man would actually accept this without assuming I’m the problem? Without trying to “fix” it? Or acting like it’s some sort of red flag?

People talk a lot about “family values” but no one ever seems to consider that choosing not to be around toxic family is sometimes the most self-loving, healthy decision a person can make. I guess I’m just feeling a bit upset today. It’s not the estrangement that hurts, it’s how people react to it. I wish there was more understanding for women like me.

AIBU to feel like I’m carrying a scarlet letter just for choosing peace?

If they don't accept you accept you for you then they don't deserve you.

That's all

I don't speak to my brother because he's a cunt. If someone thinks badly of me for that, so fucking what.

I could go on for hours about what he did (including telling my sister she should have made better choices and maybe she wouldn't have been raped and abused) , but I don't need to.

I went NC with my mother 15 years ago and haven’t looked back. She is manipulative, jealous, judgemental and ruined my teens by involving me in her affair. I’m pretty sure that wasn’t my fault.

I have recently gone NC with my brother because I had to take him to small claims court to get him to pay what I was due from our father’s will. Pretty sure that wasn’t my fault either!

The judgemental people don’t know what it’s like and aren’t open to understanding. That’s on them. I questioned myself, because it seemed like I was the problem. I was just unlucky to be born into that family. My best friend has suggested I’m adopted!
Either way, my fiance doesn’t care. He’s supported me going NC with my brother. When someone gets to know you, I’m sure you’ll explain why you are NC and they will understand. If they don’t, that’s on them. But there are decent men and decent people in general who won’t judge and will love and respect you for having the strength for protecting yourself.

@SweetManateeOfGalilee that sounds horrendous. I hope your sister has the support she needs.

@Backat totally agree

@YourQuietOliveCourage you mention the scarlet letter. I think you probably feel that more than other people see it.

Sending respect and sympathy to the strong people on this thread who have felt they had no choice but to protect themselves. Nobody wants a family that requires NC.

Pfft my ex BF never even asked why I didn't see parents, I don't know if he ever twigged.

I’m surprised men care to be honest, no in-laws to worry about.

So many people would understand. I’m estranged from my family by choice (they are all so toxic) and my partner understands. His family are really close too but he gets that my family are damaging to be around.

My partner doesn't speak to his parents or sister, but we are in contact and have excellent relationships with his sisters children. We have often discussed his childhood and the reasons why he went NC but I have never in ten years made any kind of attempt to encourage him to speak to them and I would never.

Its entirely his choice and the choice he made was the right one. Learning about it also helped me understand who he is and why he is who he is. I support him no matter what and his expectations of a relationship have stopped me accepting shit from people!

No one has the right to tell you who you should have a relationship with and if they can't respect your choices and advocate for you against a flying monkey, they're not the right person for you.

I would see it as a plus as I don’t have a great relationship with to my own family, and it would be fewer in-laws to contend with. Like most things, the right person will understand, but it might take longer to find the right person.

I've been nc with my family for about 15 years (I've not spoken to my golden child brother for 25)

Dp doesn't care-hes heard me explain a few stories (like the one where they attacked me on boxing day with a huge knife for cutting the wrong cheese and how my mother laughed when I was assaulted and dined out on this story for months)

He'll never meet them and he doesn't care

He fell in love with me-not them

I adore his family,they are my family and that's the end of that (id respect him if he went nc with his own family for his own reasons but they are too lovely for him to ever do that)

It's not me that is the problem

I don’t tell people my family are toxic anymore. Just give the facts of their jobs etc and as little information as possible. I found when I’m open about it I get judged or blank not understanding from those with good familial relationships and it’s a big ‘easy victim’ sign for abusive me whom I e dated a lot. I did the freedom program to escape abusive men and it was discussed that some abuser’s seek out women with poor relationships or estranged from family as they are easy to gain control over.

it’s not like you have to keep it a secret. Just keep it quiet for a few months till you know if you like him and he’s a good guy then tell the truth. If they judge you at that point they are not the man for you. If they already like you then it will be accepted

I’ve been estranged from my mum for years as she was extremely abusive when I was kid. We didn’t have a big family to begin with. I left my home town, travellled and eventually met someone whose family became like mine. I now have a 2 year old and finally feel like I have a family of my own. One day you’ll meet someone that will become your family

Hi op You should not be judge on this so many families are like this you need to put your feelings first. Only thing I would say is people who choose to do this you can’t be expected to know if they have died or are ill or when the funeral is. If you cut all ties then you basically are not entitled to be involved if the worst was to happen but if it makes your life easier I cannot see why a partner would care tbh some people just get shitty parents and they are not worthy of there child’s love. Toxicity is not something you have to deal with to please other people.

Estranged from mine for over 10years.
have had a couple of longish term relationships, one periodically prodded me with the old ‘you only have one mum/dad’ so I gave him a snap shot in detail, he never mentioned it again, others didn’t care a bit and although, I didn’t/dont need anybodies approval, they supported and agreed with my decision.
its so far down the line for me, I no longer need/want to talk about it, and am happy to challenge people who might pass judgy comments in a general discussion or my own circumstances. Also now I’m in my mid 40’s I couldn’t give 2 tits what another soul thinks about me or my story.

time helps so much for ‘us’ and with that time you get to quickly weed out those who don’t necessarily ‘fit’ in our lives or understand our rationale (not that it’s any concern to them)
the right life partner is there :) x

This is one of those things where you really get to see what people are like. I have a friend who is universally beloved, goes out of her way to help people, people speak highly of, etc etc. I am estranged from a couple of my (druggie, criminal) siblings because they are abusive. My 'lovely' friend has made numerous comments to me since the estrangement about how she 'just doesnt understand it'. Its certainly put a massive wedge between us - because what she is really saying to me is that she is judging me negatively for my choices. It has really made me see her differently and see how judgmental she actually is.

I have no time for people who can only have empathy if they have the same experience themselves. If you meet someone who is a nice person, who you like and who treats people well then you accept that their choices happened for a reason. It might be hard to imagine being in that situation, but that is a you thing.

As someone who’s more or less had to do the same after being the family’s doormat most of my life, I’m really banking on exactly this.

My dh has no contact with his birth family at all. He is a very very decent man, and it's clear that the matriarch of the family had such power over the rest of them that when he finally pulled away, the rest of them pulled together against him. I have learnt a lot about dysfunctional family dynamics, and turning against the one that gets away is quite standard.

My family of origin is more the bog standard slightly dysfunctional sort and there's been no going NC even though it hasn't always been easy. If someone goes NC, it's for good reason.

The right person will love and look after you and support your decision because if that

I think it’s a grey area tbh.

If a woman posted here that she’d started seeing a bloke and that he’d told her he was estranged from his family posters would be telling her to tread carefully until she knew more, and there absolutely are posters who would be saying that if he’s estranged from all of the family then it is likely him and not them.

And there absolutely are situations where this will be the case. Bear in mind that sometimes someone will tell you they’ve gone NC with their family when it’s the other way around.

And while there absolutely are good and valid reasons to cut off family, it’s naive to think that if someone cuts off their family they are always the one in the right and there is always a good reason.

You only have to look at MN to see the spurious reasons that people use for suggesting that someone goes NC with family.

MIL feeds the kids too many sweets/told off the three year old/doesn’t ever babysit and the list goes on.

And while many posters wouldn’t go there and will disagree on the threads in question, plenty of posters do, and would follow through.

So while it’s sad that it can be harder to gain acceptance there, it’s not that black and white. And neither does someone who doesn’t want to end up in the middle of what could be a toxic or damaging family dynamic make someone a bad person.

Bear in mind that many people who do go NC with family do also re-establish contact sometimes, and so if the reasons are sound, a prospective partner may not potentially want to become a part of that or potentially expose kids to it should the chance arise.

Sometimes if you have a narcissist in the family, they can turn everyone against someone to basically isolate them, so they look like the problem instead of the narc. Read up on narcissism and smear campaigns, flying monkeys etc.

100%. It’s frustrating to read some of the comments who I’m glad are lucky enough to never have experienced a family so toxic that you end up isolated. It can easily happen actually without you being at fault. Eg with me, I was essentially ostracised for cultural reasons around marriage/independence. I wanted to go to uni and live alone - was desperate to leave in fact as I had a dangerous mentally ill brother at home who my parents refused to accept was ‘really’ that bad. My narcissistic mom told close cousins after I’d left that I was partly responsible for my brother being unwell?! So even though up till then I’d been the one to give my brother and sister up to a thousand each for various things as I was working FT and helped my mom get her disability benefits and always be the one liaising with social workers, the doctor, his community nurse and one occasion the police - this is just who they were. To this day my mom is ‘upset’ I’ve done better in life single as she expected me to fail with no family support and go back home tail between my legs but I didn’t. In spite of them, I actually thrived. Due to the fact my brother is mentally unwell, I can’t quite go completely NC on my mom despite her treatment of me as she is getting old now and for my own conscious I check in just to make sure she’s okay as I know my brother wouldn’t even notice or care if she fell ill (they live together as he’s unemployed).

Thing is if you’ve not walked in the shoes of someone who’s experienced this, it’s easy to think it’s all very black and white but really it’s not and as PP have said, the right person will be emotionally intelligent enough to recognise this. I should add that I’ve never had this be an issue with any partner as due to my background, I’m fairly introverted and cautious in real life so prospective partners have no choice but to get to know me slowly anyway so this comes out quite slowly and organically anyway by which time they’ve had the opportunity to get to know the real you and not ‘judge’ you for being unlucky enough to be born onto a dysfunctional family and consequently alone.

I'd be worried about a partner who was no contact.m, and worry he would be odd/ difficult I hope I'd give him a chance to explain it though, and listen, and hopefully understand. I'm assuming the reason is traumatic.

Been married over 10 years. Was estranged for around a year when I met my husband. He was very understanding as were his parents and they are my family now.

My husband met my father early on actually due to a death in the family and he very much understood why I was estranged from those 2 very brief meetings, probably just the first actually. He also supported me through legal estrangement at the time which was very stressful.

My boyfriend and his family prior did not approve as did a few people I met. But when you have the right people who know you, they will understand and support you.

Your assumption is judgemental. There are people who choise to have no contact with their adult children with good reason too.

No, it's not.

I am saying I interpret the OP saying "I am estranged from my family" to mean several family members who are siblings or parents.

I certainly read it as plural - several members of the family.

I've no doubt there are many good reasons to go NC with adult children.

But I think going NC with several / all of your children is more unusual.