AIBU to just throw my hands in the air re elderly parent?

[ImATerribleMultitasker]

My elderly father has made no provision for his later years whatsoever.

He’s 88, and his health and mobility is declining. He lives in a 4 double bedroom house, with lots of additional rooms and a large front and back garden. It’s crumbling around his ears. He’s had a few accidents climbing ladders and slipping on ice in winter. His house has 4 bedrooms filled to the brim of crap; 500 books, 50 plates, 30 coats, 200 pairs of socks……….

In addition he doesn’t like being in the house alone. Despite having a very good social life, and being out a lot, he hates it when at home alone. He has no friends or contacts in the street.

He’s had a few health scares and can walk well now. The stairs in the house are really steep.

I’ve had 3 conversations with him about moving to make his life easier. Somewhere like a bungalow (won’t move to a flat) with a small garden to tend.

No. Apparently my sibling and I should be maintaining his house for him and he’s a bit bitter that we aren’t. Also, he says he's not elderly. He says he jumps out of bed, everyone thinks he’s about 70, and no one can believe how old he is. His age is fast catching up with him.

I can’t as I don’t live close, work full time and got DC at senior school who need driving around.

I feel overwhelmed and frustrated just listening to him. I’m exhausted.

What would anyone suggest I do to save my own sanity?

Leave him to it, he can make his own decisions, and you can make the decision to only help out when convenient for you, however much that is. If he’s not going to make life easier for himself that shouldn’t mean it makes things harder for you. Just give up and do nothing, or little.

Ah OP what a nightmare and so bloody frustrating for you. Does he have money to pay for some home help.

Is there any power of attorney in place? So that when the (nearly always) inevitable happens at least you have paperwork in place to assist.

But if he is competent you can't force him to do anything differently. Just have your own boundaries errected well.

Moving house is a huge endeavour so I am not surprised he isn’t keen at 88.
Obviously it’s ridiculous to say that you need to maintain it.
In a not dissimilar situation. Focus your energy on things he actually needs and accept that his standard of living is lower than you would tolerate, but only get involved if it’s a hygiene or mobility issue . Perhaps he is entitled to attendance allowance if he has health issues - its not means tested. If he got this you could convince him to get a cleaner in- or I should say might, I got it for DM so they would get a cleaner and instead DF used it to buy a new TV .
If he is struggling with the stairs could you either assist to move a bed downstairs or hire a stair lift?

It is hugely frustrating when elderly DPs refuse to take actions that would make their lives easier but also your own, I now see my DPs as giant toddlers unable to fully look after themselves but would still be able to pass a capacity test. I therefore do what I need to in order to feel like a dutiful adult DC and live the rest of my life ( already a compromise as I can’t apply for a new ft job due to travelling distance to theirs) if they need more than that then I am happy to arrange the support and they have the funding to pay for it themselves.

Nothing helpful to add, but @ImATerribleMultitasker you might want to ask this thread to be moved to the Elderly Parents board where there are many people in similar situations who I'm sure will have wise advice.

Would he consider a home share arrangement?

Something like this as an example (random search result):
https://twogenerations.co.uk/

Elderly Parents board is a good shout.

I am a firm believer in the let him get on with it approach, whilst maintaining contact with boundaries. Plus ensuring you’ve got your own plans in place for the future, sooner than you think you need to. Because with age and declining capabilities comes denial and resistance.

Its bloody hard, and you have my sympathy.

I absolutely know the situation OP. Your parent wants their 'independence' but that independence is entirely dependent on you (and your sibling). It's not fair.
It's a bind that could end tomorrow but could also last another 10 years or more and it's that thought that is so life sapping. There is no good way out.

Could you and your sibling have a frank discussion and agree exactly what you are prepared to do for your father between you. Perhaps make a list of options - home help, downsizing, a gardener/handyman/cleaner. List what you can and won't do and when. Then meet with your dad together and lay it absolutely firmly on the line.

It's your dad's life, he has to make his own mistakes and decisions. The only thing you can do to save your sanity is set boundaries that you can live with without going bananas.

I would have one more attempt. Tell him both you and your sibling can’t help him as you have your own responsibilities. If he still won’t do it then can he pay for help with the house and garden and he goes down that route.

just as a matter of interest did he help his parents? If not I would also mention that

ifhe won’t do anything I would just leave him to it

We could see an elderly family member begin to struggle in their two story house. And there was the suggestion of moving to a smaller property by another. That was met with resistance. I do understand, as it is a huge undertaking moving at the best of times. It's a massive upheaval, and people do better in many ways in their known homes. If the house is large enough, you could always move him downstairs - or concentrate on fewer rooms. Focusing on adaptations would be smart. Clearing the house could help his quality of life. If he were open to it - I'd go for it as it may aid in the long-run. Gardens can recover from being overgrown, it's fine for wildlife, if it's fine with him. Stuff is just stuff. The amount of clearing of two life-times of hoarding of two family members I have undertaken is rather obscene, but I'm sure there are worse cases. And whether it's 50 plates or 5000 it doesn't much matter.

People are reluctant to admit their own mortality. My Mum is in her late 70s and is clearly going a little senile. However she claims she's completely fine, and often parrots that she hasn't lost her marbles etc. Will not engage with any residential adaptations or future provision or help us help her. An uncle of mine could barely walk to the toilet and back, struggled to feed and wash himself, yet only complained that he was a little under the weather and refused to talk or plan for his future. You can offer help and ask how best to help him. Or even be a little more forceful in your approach if it will ultimately benefit him.

Sometimes very small adaptations can make a huge difference to your quality of life.

Another vote for let him get on with it.

Put what energy you have into preparing for a crisis - make sure you have POA, know who his GP is, if at all possible find out a little about his financial situation and health/medications.

OP, I would do nothing for your father. The more you do for him the more he will expect. You have to be prepared just to ignore his requests and to let things fail.
If he asks, just tell him, that you can arrange carers/cleaners etc to come in but you will not do the work.

I would suggest requesting to have this thread moved to the elderly parents board where you will find you are not alone.

Let him get on with it. You’ve tried, he now needs to bear the consequences. Sounds harsh, but until you’ve been in this kind of situation, you don’t understand how awful it is.

Give local adult services the heads up regarding him and leave him to it.

This may seem a bit harsh but decide now that when the time comes you'll employ a house clearance company so the amount of clutter he has is irrelevant - beyond safety for him I mean.
You won't be the one lugging 500 books down the stairs etc

If you gave up your life and helped him
in the way he thinks he wants, he would complain about other things (you’re not doing it right etc) because extreme old age is intrinsically quite shit and because it’s his character to complain. So don’t imagine that you could fix his complaints if you took x y or z completely unreasonable action. His complaints are the weather. ‘Hmm’ ‘oh yes’ and ‘dear oh dear. Did you see about Dickie Bird dying?’ are useful responses.

It’s also true that he’s probably left it too late to move, so I wouldn’t worry about that. He sounds as if he would much rather end up having a strip wash in the kitchen than move - there are lots like that. It’s their choice. Resign yourself that it will be you clearing the house after his death.

My grandmother was like this. She died of a stroke at 75 alone in her house at night, while carrying a cup of tea in the kitchen. My dad found her on the floor next morning, having earlier knocked out the door with an axe (she left the key inside the lock).
I fear it will be a similar end for your dad.

@Kavita12 tbh that sounds ideal to me…

If he is jumping out of bed like a 70 year old he can do his own gardening or pay someone

feed it back to him

Is it possible for him to live in the ground floor? Is there a downstairs toilet / shower?

I think you have to have a serious conversation with him.

Acknowledge that he must find it frustrating that you cannot help him maintain the house but you have a job and a family and do not live close.

Offer some things you can do (visits per month / a day a month cleaning and clearing etc, or whatever) but be firm and direct that that is all you can do.

See if he would agree to move downstairs / get a cleaner and or gardener etc. Maybe ‘let’s give it a try, if it doesn’t work for you you can stop it’.

Sympathies to you.

You can't save people from themselves. You have to let them get on with dealing with the consequences of their own actions.

Especially if they refuse to see sense or think they're capable of sorting it by themselves (hollow laugh).

That's a fear for anyone who lives alone. The same could have happened to her if she lived in a bungalow or a retirement flat. You can hardly blame her for that.

A stroke like that is instant. My mum had the same.

Maybe OPs father would rather go like this. In his own home, quickly. I know I would.

And how would having a smaller, tidier, better maintained house have prevented what happened to your grandmother?

You should tell him that you will be able to help and neither will your sibling.
Tell him again that he would be better off moving and you will help him get rid of his clutter. If he refuses leave him to it.