AIBU to just throw my hands in the air re elderly parent?

[ImATerribleMultitasker]

My elderly father has made no provision for his later years whatsoever.

He’s 88, and his health and mobility is declining. He lives in a 4 double bedroom house, with lots of additional rooms and a large front and back garden. It’s crumbling around his ears. He’s had a few accidents climbing ladders and slipping on ice in winter. His house has 4 bedrooms filled to the brim of crap; 500 books, 50 plates, 30 coats, 200 pairs of socks……….

In addition he doesn’t like being in the house alone. Despite having a very good social life, and being out a lot, he hates it when at home alone. He has no friends or contacts in the street.

He’s had a few health scares and can walk well now. The stairs in the house are really steep.

I’ve had 3 conversations with him about moving to make his life easier. Somewhere like a bungalow (won’t move to a flat) with a small garden to tend.

No. Apparently my sibling and I should be maintaining his house for him and he’s a bit bitter that we aren’t. Also, he says he's not elderly. He says he jumps out of bed, everyone thinks he’s about 70, and no one can believe how old he is. His age is fast catching up with him.

I can’t as I don’t live close, work full time and got DC at senior school who need driving around.

I feel overwhelmed and frustrated just listening to him. I’m exhausted.

What would anyone suggest I do to save my own sanity?

not be able

Summed up perfectly.
While it's generally good to be kind to older relatives, if possible, we also have to be kind to ourselves. That includes not taking on their burdens which they choose to create.

I would be very reluctant to sign up for any form of regular cleaning or maintenance. What seems manageable now will be an ongoing millstone for you and simply delays forcing him to get in external help.

If he has the funds at all, then all my efforts would be directed into getting him to pay for gardening and cleaning. Start with the smaller thing so paying someone to mow the lawns as that isn’t intrusive in the house.

If he has no funds help him fill in the attendance allowance form.

I persuaded my DPs to get a cleaner when DM became bed bound, and both DH and I are resolute that we won’t do their gardening. I change their sheets, but I am beginning to think they should up the cleaners hours so she can do it.

He sounds like he has hoarding issues so absolutely no point in even discussing house Repairs until the hoard is cleared.

He claims to be fit so he can crack on with everything himself can't he!

Ignore.

my mum is the same.

I have decided that when she dies I will get a house clearance company in. No way I’m dealing with it.

she has begun to reluctantly accept I won’t be running around after her now I have spent over a decade not running round after her.

she even said thank you for something the other day!

My family and DHs are very different in their approach to old age.
Mine planned for it from 65, bought a house with a bedroom on ground floor installed a shower room nearby. Created level access to front door. They wouldn't install grab rails, roo much like an old folks home. My dad slipped and lay wedged on the floor waiting for the ambulance for hours but hey it least it didn't look like a care home. But overall they did very well, very proud of them.
The in-laws are a complacent nightmare. Always lived in a bungalow and stupidly someone said 20 years about moving in a carer when they get old. They have clung to this and their bungalow legs.
The reality is they'd need 4 bedrooms and deep pockets for round the clock carers so that ain't happening. The place is cluttered, favourite low armchairs aren't replaced, so everything has multiple extra cushions. One small shower, baths with no grab rails, Incontinent and struggling to keep up with the housework but carpet in all the loos. Absolutely know best and are frustrated then angry at any offers of change or help.
they are my in-laws, and have been blood thicker than water so ultimately this is a DH and sibling issue. But I do feel sad that if they'd accepted growing old a bit more gracefully, they could have had the joy of picking out lovely high backed armchairs and easy clean flooring rather than the resentful, nostalgic unfit for current needs environment they are living in.

Leave him to it. Be clear that you haven't got time to help and that if he can't manage his house/garden or hire someone to do it he needs to move.

Then turn off your phone/block him for 24 hours. Check in every now and then for a social call only.

You don’t live nearby, work ft and have a family of your own who need you, so definitely YANBU not to be maintaining his house. What is your sibling’s position, it is a big help if you see things in the same way.

There are schemes where you can be matched with a younger person who needs somewhere to live - they provide a certain amount of household help and company in return for a room. However, from the sound of it, his house would need a lot of decluttering before it was suitable.

I would head over to the Elderly parents board, where you’ll find a lot of similarly frustrated and exhausted people, and a lot of support.

Sadly a crisis will probably force his hand. Hold your nerve.

You need both kinds of POA, if you don't have it already.

The fact is that if he has capacity, you can't make him to anything differently. If he loses capacity, and you have POA, then you activate it and you can.

There are two basic ways this could play out. One: he goes on like he is for however long, then dies suddenly. Two: things are brought to a head by some sort of crisis, he doesn't have capacity, and then you can get residential care for him and sell the house or whatever.

It's very hard to accept, but the fact is that adults get to choose how they live and you can't make them do otherwise as long as they're mentally able to make their own decisions. You have to let go, and wait for the crisis.

We siblings have POA. I am not sure if it is for both, but it covers money and medical definitely.

You are right that I will just have to let it go. I've told my sibling that we are not cleaning, gardening and fixing things, but of course need to help out with medical and admin. They can get a gardener and a cleaner if they are set on staying in that large messy house.

It's just really frustrating. DH and I are only in our 50's and we are already making plans about retiring and downsizing.

It's one thing to not feel your age, and feel good. It's a whole other thing to be nearly 90, and think you are 50.

@ImATerribleMultitasker could he possibly have his current place converted so everything is downstairs?? So toilet/bathroom and a bed in the lounge? My mum had this done after a bad fall years ago. You have my sympathy, its not easy dealing with difficult family members

You won’t change him, so don’t even try as it will damage your relationship with him. Tbh, he hadn’t got long left. If he has to go into a home a charge will be put on the house.

He's an adult, he can't expect you to sort his house but equally it is his house and the upheaval of moving might be too much for him. Being in a house full of memories at 88 isn't bad really.

No. Apparently my sibling and I should be maintaining his house for him and he’s a bit bitter that we aren’t. Also, he says he's not elderly. He says he jumps out of bed, everyone thinks he’s about 70, and no one can believe how old he is.

Tell him if he's so sprightly that he jumps out of bed then why does he need his offspring to maintain his house for him?

Is sibling a woman? Does he think you should be doing it because you're females?

I hate the western culture of abandoning our elderly parents if they don't do exactly what we think they should!
Why should he have to leave his family home presumably as there's 4 double bedrooms it's where he lived with your mum or another significant other. Possibly even where you and your siblings grew up.
Personally I'd hate to be told I had to leave the house where I have all the memories of raising my children!

My aunt is 88 and I've just been to hell and back trying to help her extend her lease. Have finally managed it so she can sell the flat and she 'no longer wants to go into assisted living'. She'll be 'taken out of her flat in a box'.

I did take her to see the assisted living place last year, and this is why she had been aiming for it ... but in the meantime I managed to find someone to assess her for Attendance Allowance. This has helped enormously - she got the top amount of £100 and is able to have someone in to clean, get taxis etc. Definitely worth contacting Age Concern to interview your Dad and complete the very complex forms using the correct terminology. Good luck.

Because it’s crumbling around him and he is unable to maintain it? The question should be how could he possibly stay there?

I would have one last blunt conversation. Make it clear that if he insists on staying there, he needs to pay people to maintain it and that you and siblings are not able to help. His choice and can’t complain any further to you.

I would lay it out for him this way - "I am willing to do (light housekeeping) and (laundry, etc.) for you so that you can stay in this house. However you must agree to clear out (clutter, etc.) and move to first floor living for your own safety or I will not be willing to assist you. Take it or leave it."

I can't understand waiting for it to be crumbling until you have the conversation!
I live 140 miles away from my GPs and parents every time I visit I ask if there's anything they need a bit of help with.
And I'm a single parent to 3 kids and work FT, no siblings to help and my parents had no siblings either.

In this specific case (big family house) apart from such a house being impossible to look after and live in safely on your own in old age, there's also the element of inheritance, taxes, etc. Nearly no-one can afford to pay inheritance tax and keep a big family house, so that means you're leaving your children to clear up a massive house, maybe 50 years+ of your belongings, just because you couldn't be bothered to do it yourself at a reasonable time.

How far from your dad do you live and how often do you visit? My parents lived at home until almost the end of- last days / weeks in a hospice and MIL would have been at home had A & E provided good care. The reality is you will probably be called if he falls or needs care in the future if you don’t help organise cleaners, gardeners, carers etc.

Be aware if he is moved to a home the LA will place a charge against the house and expect it to be sold if he doesn’t have sufficient savings to pay for his care after the first 12 weeks property disregard period. I would say it is worth investing some time and energy now to prevent / minimise future problems.

baths with no grab rails, Incontinent and struggling to keep up with the housework but carpet in all the loos. Absolutely know best and are frustrated then angry at any offers of change or help.

I could have written this about my father's home a few years ago. He got stuck in the bath once! It was only the relentless progress of dementia that made it possible to move him out. He too had used the timeworn phrase "they'll have to carry me out of here in a box!"

Not the same as the OP's situation, I know....just feeling empathy for the frustration of it all.

I will never understand parents who are entitled enough to think their children should do everything for them when they're old. Sorry but he's being incredibly selfish.

I think it's fine for you to withdraw and leave him to it. Unfortunately he will have an accident at some point and perhaps then things will move in a different direction.

If he's of sound mind there isn't much you can do.