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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to just throw my hands in the air re elderly parent?

104 replies

ImATerribleMultitasker · 24/09/2025 08:52

My elderly father has made no provision for his later years whatsoever.

He’s 88, and his health and mobility is declining. He lives in a 4 double bedroom house, with lots of additional rooms and a large front and back garden. It’s crumbling around his ears. He’s had a few accidents climbing ladders and slipping on ice in winter. His house has 4 bedrooms filled to the brim of crap; 500 books, 50 plates, 30 coats, 200 pairs of socks……….

In addition he doesn’t like being in the house alone. Despite having a very good social life, and being out a lot, he hates it when at home alone. He has no friends or contacts in the street.

He’s had a few health scares and can walk well now. The stairs in the house are really steep.

I’ve had 3 conversations with him about moving to make his life easier. Somewhere like a bungalow (won’t move to a flat) with a small garden to tend.

No. Apparently my sibling and I should be maintaining his house for him and he’s a bit bitter that we aren’t. Also, he says he's not elderly. He says he jumps out of bed, everyone thinks he’s about 70, and no one can believe how old he is. His age is fast catching up with him.

I can’t as I don’t live close, work full time and got DC at senior school who need driving around.

I feel overwhelmed and frustrated just listening to him. I’m exhausted.

What would anyone suggest I do to save my own sanity?

OP posts:
TattooStan · 25/09/2025 20:47

TammyJones · 25/09/2025 07:43

Sounds like for them the ‘future’ is already here.
It can’t get much worse.
Are social services involved ?

Edited
Show quote history

No, they're a long way off that in reality. The situation is exactly as I've described, but they're not breaking hips or incontinent yet, and can always just about fudge their way through each health crisis, until the next one (it never ends).

They've been so wreckless their entire lives with not only their lifestyles (massive overeating and no movement) but also their finances, so can't even afford a taxi to hospital, despite being deeply middle class. It's pitiful.

Tangit · 25/09/2025 22:01

Formerdarkhorse · 25/09/2025 18:10

Unfortunately I don’t have any advice, just solidarity as I’m in a very similar position.
I’m an only child and my parents live in a crumbling house, too big for them, isolated, freezing and bordering on hoarding. Recently one parent had a serious health situation with months of hospitalization ahead, the exact worst case scenario that you need a POA for, but of course they don’t have one and are digging their heels about sorting now. The expectations are growing in how I can help both the parent at home and in hospital, despite having no siblings, a very full time job and young children.
They won’t consider a cleaner/gardener/etc, won’t pay for any home improvements which could ease some of the issues, the ‘healthy’ one won’t look after themselves although more than capable.
What’s frustrating is that for the last few years they had never wanted to be that involved with me/being a grandparent as they were ‘living their best life’, but really they missed the best years to spend as a family and now want that support now it suits them, but still largely don’t appreciate it.

My 98 yr old grandad is the same. He and my grandma didn't help my mum at all while she was raising us, they were also busy 'living their best lives' with their friends, on holiday, hobbies etc.
Despite living 5 mins from us, we had no real relationship with them. I can't remember any affection from them and they never said that they loved us, therefore as much as they were nice people, I felt no real love for them.
Fast forward to grandad now being on his own, housebound in a 3 bed, 2 storey semi he expects everyone to be running around after him, despite never helping/caring for his own parents and grandchildren.
My mum is retired and is resentful of the amount she has to do for him (on top of careers, cleaner and gardener). She doesn't have much of a relationship with him but does it out of a sense of duty. But she moans about it to me constantly and I can see it's taking its toll on her (she's 70 herself!) and should be enjoying her own retirement.

I help when I can but I work ft and have two kids, two dogs and also have my own life.

thepariscrimefiles · 26/09/2025 04:08

Formerdarkhorse · 25/09/2025 18:10

Unfortunately I don’t have any advice, just solidarity as I’m in a very similar position.
I’m an only child and my parents live in a crumbling house, too big for them, isolated, freezing and bordering on hoarding. Recently one parent had a serious health situation with months of hospitalization ahead, the exact worst case scenario that you need a POA for, but of course they don’t have one and are digging their heels about sorting now. The expectations are growing in how I can help both the parent at home and in hospital, despite having no siblings, a very full time job and young children.
They won’t consider a cleaner/gardener/etc, won’t pay for any home improvements which could ease some of the issues, the ‘healthy’ one won’t look after themselves although more than capable.
What’s frustrating is that for the last few years they had never wanted to be that involved with me/being a grandparent as they were ‘living their best life’, but really they missed the best years to spend as a family and now want that support now it suits them, but still largely don’t appreciate it.

Surely the answer is that you don't have any time or capacity (or inclination) to help your parents who have done absolutely nothing to help themselves and who were completely 'hands off' with their child and grandchildren when it suited them.

Do the bare minimum (like they did for you) and ignore any guilt tripping. They have made their bed and now they will need to lie in it.

havinalarf · 28/09/2025 22:21

I can't help thinking they're both a bit thick

Ha! Maybe but there seems to be a common experience of elderly parents who dig their heels in, refuse to consider the burden they're becoming and the realities of their circumstances. Is this a feature of ageing? It's selfish and delusional, there's no reasoning with them. It's pathological stubborness to assert a pretence of independence when clearly they can't cope.

I'm not saying they should all be packed off to a care home but accept some adjustments to make everyone's lives easier.

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