My Ds keeps saying he doesn't love me

Summertimefarewell · 2025-09-23T15:10:11+00:00

My DS is 5 and just started year 1. He has no issues going in and loves school however I've noticed a shift in his attitude. If I ask him to do anything or say something can't happen nicely and calmly he says 'i don't love you' 'you're the worst mum' and today he said 'i hate you' he will also go away from me and not engage and hold grudge for ages and say things like 'dont come near me' 'i don't forgive you' He has started saying these things outside the home and around friends and family over the smallest innocuous things. I feel embarrassed. Not only is it disrespectful it's hurtful as I dont hear other children say this to their mum's when they don't get their own way. So I'm wondering AIBU to thing this is a personality thing or is a phase nearly 6 year olds go through. He's always been quite loving up until now and he's really changed lately. I wonder if something else is going on. To note, we are firm and fair and never say these things to him. We only ever display and show him love and try to give him boundaries.

mumofoneAloneandwell · 23/09/2025 16:49

No advice but i am sorry op, that must be incredibly hurtful.

Hopefully it is just a phase to get a reaction, i'm sure he doesnt really mean it 🥺💐

GarlicBreadStan · 23/09/2025 16:53

My son is 7. He's been saying this since he was about 4 or 5. What I've noticed is, is that he says it when he can't describe exactly how he's feeling. Granted, he is also autistic.

I will also add that just because you don't hear other children saying it to their parents doesn't mean that they don't say it. Their parents probably just don't talk about it.

I know it's hard, and I struggle to follow this advice myself, but I would really try not to take it personally. Starting school is such a big change, and can bring out feelings that kids haven't experienced yet.

I promise he doesn't actually hate you. He's just using the only words he can find within himself. He could hate the situation. He could hate that you've said no to giving him something he's asked for. But he doesn't hate you. Just keep telling him that you love him, and keep trying to name feelings.

BlueMum16 · 23/09/2025 16:54

I'd just ignore it. Don't react. Don't show it's hurtful. Continue to love him.

Has he heard similar from someone else?

PersephoneParlormaid · 23/09/2025 16:55

He’s doing it to get a reaction, just ignore it.

Poppingby · 23/09/2025 17:01

Yes I would think something else is going on and it's worth trying to find out what. Lots of love bombing and time doing things together and I bet he will take the opportunity to talk about whatever is bothering him. Kids are hard! You can 100% guarantee that he does love you and does want you near him, but something is making him angry/sad/frightened by the sound of it (I don't mean to scare you by saying that, 5 yr olds find loads of weird things scary).

JetFlight · 23/09/2025 17:07

Has he heard anyone else talking like that to you?
How about replacing his words with what you think he means?
He can’t go to the park and says “I hate you” perhaps you could say “you’re disappointed you can’t go to the park. I understand”

Original poster

Summertimefarewell · 23/09/2025 17:08

JetFlight · 23/09/2025 17:07

Has he heard anyone else talking like that to you?
How about replacing his words with what you think he means?
He can’t go to the park and says “I hate you” perhaps you could say “you’re disappointed you can’t go to the park. I understand”

No not at all me and his dad never speak like that to each other

OP posts:

Original poster

Summertimefarewell · 23/09/2025 17:08

GarlicBreadStan · 23/09/2025 16:53

My son is 7. He's been saying this since he was about 4 or 5. What I've noticed is, is that he says it when he can't describe exactly how he's feeling. Granted, he is also autistic.

I will also add that just because you don't hear other children saying it to their parents doesn't mean that they don't say it. Their parents probably just don't talk about it.

I know it's hard, and I struggle to follow this advice myself, but I would really try not to take it personally. Starting school is such a big change, and can bring out feelings that kids haven't experienced yet.

I promise he doesn't actually hate you. He's just using the only words he can find within himself. He could hate the situation. He could hate that you've said no to giving him something he's asked for. But he doesn't hate you. Just keep telling him that you love him, and keep trying to name feelings.

Interesting. Do you know if it's typically a SEN thing?

OP posts:

AprilShowers25 · 23/09/2025 17:10

Been through this with both mine at a similar age, very hurtful the first time around but it was just a phase and they are both very loving now although they do switch between me and DH as being favourites. You just need to express that it makes you feel sad and it’s not very nice to say.

GarlicBreadStan · 23/09/2025 17:11

Summertimefarewell · 23/09/2025 17:08

Interesting. Do you know if it's typically a SEN thing?

Show quote history

Honestly I'm not 100% sure. I think a lot of SEN kids do go through it, but a lot of neurotypical kids go through it too. Sorry that's not very helpful, but I think it is just a common thing that kids do. My son has lots of other autistic traits which is the reason I mentioned it, but I do remember feeling like I was alone in it x

AprilShowers25 · 23/09/2025 17:13

No, it’s just a little kid thing - they can be awful sometimes!

napody · 23/09/2025 17:13

AprilShowers25 · 23/09/2025 17:10

Been through this with both mine at a similar age, very hurtful the first time around but it was just a phase and they are both very loving now although they do switch between me and DH as being favourites. You just need to express that it makes you feel sad and it’s not very nice to say.

I agree- it is a normal phase. I'd use a combination of the above suggestions- I'd reframe (I know you're disappointed/frustrated about....) calmly point out it's not kind, or sometimes just laugh and say 'that's a shame, cos I LOVE you!' Then in all cases move straight on and don't let it affect the outcome of the situation either way. He'll get past it (although it might still happen occasionally). Don't take it personally- you're his safe person he can say that to and know you'll still love him and be calm and consistent.

SALaw · 23/09/2025 17:14

When my son was a bit like this at that age I would say calmly and firmly “we don’t say things like that to each other in this house”. I don’t think you should ignore it because it’s not appropriate and he needs to be told that but equally don’t give him the dramatic reaction he expects.

QueenOfToast · 23/09/2025 17:15

I think a good way to think about this is that he hates what you’re making him do/not do. He doesn’t hate you.

IWasScaredToBeHeld · 23/09/2025 17:16

It’s a phase. My niece went through it. Whenever anyone would tell her to do something she didn’t want to do she’d say she didn’t love us. She also used to take great delight in sitting in a room full of people and ranking us all from her favourite to least favourite (including her parents!)

DisplayPurposesOnly · 23/09/2025 17:19

Hes exercising his power. He's learning about making friends (and that relationships can be conditional). He's testing boundaries.

Try not to take it to heart. "Aw, that's a shame, cos I love you even though youre not doing what I asked you to" and move on.

Pashazade · 23/09/2025 17:31

Either ignore or if it requires some kind of response “that’s interesting”. Not nice to hear but I wouldn’t worry about it much, a lot of kids seem to go through it, it’s a way of exerting control over people when they have very little. So I’d just not give it any oxygen and hopefully it will fade away as a behaviour.

TheSkyLooksBeautifulTonight · 23/09/2025 18:23

The answer to a five year old saying "I hate you" is "Well I love you, but you still have to help tidy your room/ turn the television off/ have a bath now" or whatever...

One of mine went through this stage and one of my charges at work (a generally sweet young woman with a social and emotional age of around 3-5) is doing this to me atm! "I hate you, you're an annoying old bag, I can't do this, please help, I need a hug, I don't think Olivia likes me..."

They don't hate you/ us, they are frustrated or overwhelmed or miserable about something else. It's the same as being ratty and bratty and uncooperative at home but angelic and mature and helpful at school - they let their guard down with the person or people they trust to care about them even if they're horrible and who they also expect to magically understand and be able to fix everything.

nutbrownhare15 · 23/09/2025 18:41

My now 6 year old told me she hated me and I was the worst mummy in the world for quite a few months in a row last and this year. It was a way of expressing anger and frustration and doing it safely with he person she trusts most in the world. I've just realised she hasn't done it for a while (now 6.5). Your approach is correct and I'm sure it will pass. Try not to feel embarrassed as I think it probably is a thing for this age group.

MintTwirl · 23/09/2025 18:51

It’s just a phase, don’t take it to heart. He wants a reaction and it’s probably the meanest thing he can think of to get it.
I always replied calmly with “that’s a shame because I love you” and moved on to something else right away like “now it’s time to get your shoes on/eat your dinner etc”

Teachingagain · 23/09/2025 18:56

I’ve had this from both my children at various. I say some thing like ‘That’s a shame. I love you very much.’

At this age he probably struggles to identifiy his emotions. He will be annoyed/pissed off/angry but he may not know this and he very probably doesn’t know why he feels this way. Look into ways to teach emotional regulation to help him understand what he is feeling and how to deal with it.

parietal · 23/09/2025 19:01

It is hard but ignore. Or reply “well I still love you” and don’t make a big deal of it.

Yesitssad · 23/09/2025 19:10

It’s a phase. He’s testing you and his independence.
he’s realised he does not have to love you. Love you is a powerful phrase. it gets a result when he says it. He uses it in you as you are his safe person so he won’t get an overreaction. My response would be, well that’s up to you and it’s ok not to to love someone if you don’t feel like it. But I am your mum and I love you anyway. Is there any reason why you said that and sometimes I say it’s ok not to like someone even when you love them. I love you but sometimes I don’t like the things you do or say. Obviously if you haven’t been a kind caring parent and are actually nasty to your child then it’s different situation.

DoYouReally · 23/09/2025 19:13

My youngest brother used to say this all the time to my mum when he was 4-8ish.

She always used to just respond with "well I love you to the moon and back and will never stop".

He grew out of it and is in his 30s now and regularly says tells her he "loves her to the moon and back and will never stop".

It's just their thing. He's the youngest and they've a really special bond. No SEN.

It's hurtful now but at 5 he has no idea of it. He's just looking for a reaction.

Cinaferna · 23/09/2025 19:21

BlueMum16 · 23/09/2025 16:54

I'd just ignore it. Don't react. Don't show it's hurtful. Continue to love him.

Has he heard similar from someone else?

That's interesting. I'd do the opposite. Without making a big deal about it, I'd make it clear that what he is saying is mean and hurtful. Imo, it's never too soon to teach children that how they treat others affects others. If we behave as if we are immune, they can't know that their words are rude or cruel.
When DC spoke to me like that, I'd say: that's not nice. It upsets mummy. I hope you don't really mean it and you are just saying it because you are cross.
Both DC were respectful and loving from a young age, including the autistic one. It's our job to teach them the impact of their behaviour.